old feelings
11/24/2004 05:39 p.m.
I don't know if he still holds to what I thought we had. I was fairly sure that if I went to college or he left the country or we were just far apart, we'd always be connected by some kind of thread. I feel like we are special. I always have felt like that. in high school I interpreted it as soul mates or love or something. now, I don't really know. but I still feel a connection. like the Marquise and the Vicomte. but let's not go there cause that book didn't have a good ending for either of them. it's sill there for me. I hope, I wish, I'd really like it if it were still there for him. it's nothing. it's so... easy. I'm not asking for love or kisses or mushiness or anything but the acknowledgement that we're good together. we have something. I'm not quick to use the word chemistry because it has sexual connotations. that's not what I mean at all. it's more a brother/sister or mother/son or cousin/cousin thing. I don't know. but I wish I did.
I am currently Warm
I am listening to myself singing Modest Mouse

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understanding "best friend"
11/18/2004 03:21 a.m.
it has finally hit me. what it really means. and I'm not upset about it. it actually makes sense. I'm ok. he gets what he needs from me... I get what I need from him. if we don't need anything, that's ok. the time we spent was because that's what we were doing at the time. when I spend a weekend doing my homework and I don't talk to him, that's ok. I can always talk to him when I get done and have some time. if he wants to go and play a game with his friends, we'll talk until it's time for him to play, and we'll talk again later when neither of us is busy. and it's all ok. it has nothing to do with talking for exactly an hour and a half every day. it has nothing to do with limits. that is why he's my best friend. because there can be a span of time where we don't talk and we don't die. we're not joined at the hip. it's more like joined at the spirit. and what's better? we were wrong. I was wrong. things didn't work out like we were thinking, I guess. but that doesn't mean that's it. in fact, I'd venture to say that I will stay friends with him for as long as I want to put up with him. And I love him, so, there's no chance that something will go so wrong that we can't fix it. we're not Bells for Her. I was scared he thought we were. we're not. I really believe we're something totally different.

I look at Eric and I think of how interesting and wonderful it will be to be a wife and a mother. I cannot wait to be a mother. there is something in me that has kicked in, I guess. I didn't think I'd feel like this... that I'd ever want to endure the pain of labor for a smelly, messy baby... but I do. my biology has turned on me. before this moment, I thought these feelings were totally incompatible with being friends with Koye. how stupid. I wanted to break it off completely so Koye and I could start again. we don't need to start again. we just need to keep going. change with the times, with what life is bringing us. new people are in our lives. important people. but they don't push out older important people. we just add them in. and I feel like we'll still always be what we've been. I can see us old and silly. I still see that as plain as ever. nothing really has changed. it's going to be ok.

he's right, I think, about himself. but what I think he misses is that it doesn't matter to me. if he gets me off his phone to go play poker with some boys, that's ok. I love him. poker with some boys and wanting to get me off his phone isn't going to change that. not talking for a weekend (or for weeks, months) isn't going to change how I feel about him... why would it change how he feels about me? it's just like any other love. I'm not going to be swayed by rough times.

ha, I win. I've put everything into perspective. I have pretty much accepted that I'm not going to be able to quash all jealousy. but I'm thinking some of it is definitely quashed. squashed. zucchinied even.

damn, I'm good.
I am currently Happy
I am listening to Law and Order in the next room

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he's not missing me
11/04/2004 02:32 a.m.
I feel like I'm dying. and if I'm not I wish I were. I feel like it's all gone.

while you are away
my heart comes undone
slowly unravels
in a ball of yarn
devil collects it
with a grin
our love
our love
in a ball of yarn
he'll never return it
he'll never return it
so when you come back
we'll have to make new love

I just hope he comes back. I just hope when he comes back he'll want to "make new love."

we are all heartbreakers. he is breaking mine.
I am currently Sad
I am listening to Adam and his lady friend flirting.

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one more journal entry about the election
11/03/2004 05:34 p.m.
I never realized how full of idiots this country is. The popular vote proves it. Americans either do not understand or do not care about the issues. Either way, those attitudes show us for what we really are. This is just one more reason to leave as soon as I graduate.

The one hope I do have, though, is that the people who were encouraged to vote by the programs to get out the youth and minority votes will not be so discouraged that they stop voting. If I have my way, it won't really matter to me (as I'll be FAR away), but I still have hope that some day the educated, the intelligent, and the logical people will prevail over the... um, rest... of the country.

silly, silly, silly and STUPID Americans.
I am currently Troubled
I am listening to nothing

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pictures of the babies dressed up for Halloween
11/01/2004 05:08 p.m.
Jacob pictures:


now David:

and the group picture:


I want to go home and see babies!
I am currently Tired
I am listening to my own sniffles, sneezes and coughs

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KOYE IS FAMOUS
10/26/2004 08:21 p.m.
CHECK IT OUT. THAT'S MY BEST FRIEND.

how exciting!! he's great. I love him. ah.
I am currently Excited
I am listening to library sounds

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poesie
10/26/2004 12:27 a.m.
Poesie.com, the site where I used to post poems, is closing down in five days, so I'm rushing to move everything of value over. and some things that are of NO value. yeah. I liked half a poem... so I'm putting it here...

I wish I were still playing "tribal kitchen"
with Callie like when I was four
pulling up weeds to make pies and soup
picking berries from the trees
climbing huge weeping willows
scraped knees
bleeding elbows

so I'm going to go move stuff. grrr.

this is just silly, but I'd like to save it somehow...

I'm okay with playing with words Words and I have a nice time, dashing about Certainly words love the people who play with them But I wouldn't ever call someone 'Ears with Feet' Yeah, it's pretty enough to think of A cute set of ears with some tiny little feet Walking all clumisly to a Tori Amos concert But you must know that the audience is so much more than that Those people who come to hear you sing The ones who know you so well You have to know that they've so much more than ears They love their ears, just as I love words, But ears can only get you so far Those ears with feet have brains And mouths... mouths that don't have to be silent as hers was Hands that are capable just like hers Legs, and arms, hair, teeth... We're more than just 'ears with feet' But I guess you can call us whatever you like
I am currently Tired
I am listening to Eric watching ESPN

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he's gone for sure I know it
09/27/2004 12:02 a.m.
cause I can't be there. I can't be what he needs. physically or emotionally or whatever. and I feel like such and idiot cause I have these breakdowns with Eric where I wonder if I should have just asked Koye to marry me years ago because no one... I mean NO ONE... understands me like Koye does and I'm so scared that I'm going to lose that and I'll never find it again and that's the most terrible thing. someone who knows you and really understands you and still fucking loves you is someone you should hold on to with everything you have. and my God I'm just so scared I haven't held onto him tight enough. I hate me sometimes.
I am currently Violent
I am listening to nothing

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my nephew
09/01/2004 07:09 p.m.

my nephew, Jacob. he's soooo cute.

I am currently Tired
I am listening to typey sounds

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fight
08/25/2004 05:31 a.m.
we fought. almost broke up. I'm still not sure why we didn't. maybe we did. my standards it turns out are not insanely low, but insanely high. and I think they're unfair. ah yes, that's why we didn't break up. because it is unfair to expect Eric to be as jealous as I am. because jealousy isn't a good thing. it's bad to be jealous. but I am. of everything that keeps him away from me. and that's bad. that's not love. that's crazy. so I'm not saying he doesn't love me (he does). I'm saying he isn't crazy (and not being crazy is a good thing, apparently).

heather has just checked on me and told me to go to bed because I have class. I do. at ten. but I would like for him to wake up and not find me there. and I would like it to scare him. but I don't think he would be scared. in fact, my predictions for tonight and tomorrow are as follows: I'll go to bed as soon as I post this, sleep angrily, go to class in the morning with very little makeup and mismatched clothes, when I see Eric he'll be smiling and hugging me and kissing my neck and calling me "sweet girl" and I'll smile without really wanting to, and he'll say "see, you're smiling; you're not mad" but I will be mad, though I'll forget why and nothing will change and this argument may be refought in a few months or years.

and the question is... is it too much to ask that he love me exactly as I love him?

I think I've just answered that for myself. we are two different people with two different brains and we're allowed to do different things and that doesn't mean I love him more or he loves me more. and I wish I would have had that kind of logic hours ago.

and I think this all may just be my period talking. damn it.
I am currently Jealous
I am listening to nothing

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