member applications
08/04/2004 09:50 p.m.
just a few suggestions to people who are applying to pathetic.org:

1. check your grammar and spelling. maybe I'm the only one completely and totally annoyed by that, but my vote counts, kiddies. it seems to imply that you don't really care enough about what you're doing to check things over. and there's no way I'm going to invite some bad-spelling, no-grammar-knowing person onto the site for me to run into and be annoyed by later. sorry.

2. big words do NOT equal good poems. if you love the word "indefatigable," go ahead and put it in there. but don't use "vainglorious" and "sanguivorous" in the same poem. no one needs that. as much as I love a poet with great word choice, content is infinitely more important, and if no one knows what you're saying, no one will care.

3. originality IS important. especially when you decide what poem to use on your application. influences are great. I know I have a few from which I take ideas or forms or ways of speaking. however, the way to get people to press that "Accept" button is to stand out from every other applicant. don't throw a Fiona Apple lyric at me. I like Fiona, and we can talk about that once you prove to me that you have something to say that she hasn't already said.

4. self esteem is one thing; arrogance is quite another. don't tell me, "I am a good writer." I'll be the judge of that when I read what you write. the essay is probably more important to me than the poem, in all honesty. if you sound like you've been through some things and have some stuff to get off your chest creatively, I'm all about you. but if you're saying, "I'm great. I've done this before on other sites and THEY said I was great, so I'm great. you'll regret not letting me in cause I'm SO GREAT," I'm not listening. I've tuned you out, and I may not even read your poem. if I do, I'm certainly predisposed to decline it. I don't need anybody like that commenting on my poems or posting in a forum I'm going to read.

just a little reaction to voting on some applications this evening. it's probably been said, but I wanted to say it again.
I am currently Fine
I am listening to "So in Love" by Ella Fitzgerald

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black history
08/03/2004 07:04 p.m.
I wrote this and a poem last night as I watched a TV show on VH1 about the history of black music.

As a person struggling to break free of dominating powers as well as stereotypes and persecution, I can cling to and adore and be facinated by the elaborate and devastating history of black America. The humanity of all of us is required and demanded when you look at black history. People all feel held back and oppressed at some point. Humanity can relate to and appreciate a strong stand by a group of people being wronged. As a white person, some people - both white and black - have questioned why I am so interested in black history and social issues. I think those questions are ridiculous. Black history and white history - everything is intertwined. As a woman, the questions become even more senseless. I relate. It is as simple as that.

you can tell it was 4:00 in the morning and I was trying to stay on target. I'm sure there was much more I wanted to say but didn't. the poem I wrote came very much in the same line of thought, but it just so happened that it came during the program's discussion of the Black Panther Party.

and there you go.
I am currently Creative
I am listening to "These Days" by Nico

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boys who hate me and why
08/02/2004 06:00 p.m.
Ryan:
Jared

John:
Jonny

Tommy:
Koye

Eric:
Siddarius

so I was on the phone with Eric last night and I had a revelation that made me wish Koye was on the phone (cause he would have understood when Eric didn't). Siddarius thought I was his girlfriend, Alicia and told me that I "run Eric's fucking life" and when he realized it was me, he hung up on me. so I called Eric and told him. Siddarius beeped in and told him himself and said that "Emily might be pissed" and implied it would be at Eric. um, no. stupid. but I was treated to the girl-like cattiness that I try so hard to avoid. and this time it came from a boy! but I mean really, if you don't like me, tell me. don't pretend. I hate that shit more than I can describe. but the revelation hit me that the friends of the boys I date absolutely hate me. with Ryan Vaughn it wasn't so noticable because we barely dated, but when I "broke up" with him to date J Rich, Jared was a total jerk to me. then I started dating John Richardson and his best friend Jonny couldn't stand me. he hates me to this day, I swear. then, of course, we all know the confusing debacle of Koye being the friend who hates me of the boy I'm dating. that's a complicated one. but if you think of it like this, his being so upset makes PERFECT and EXACT sense. and now Eric's best friend, Siddarius hates me (not to mention Eric's friend Chariece). so the question Eric poses when I explain all this to him is "why?" I tell him the egotistical part of me says, "well, I am so great that when boys like me, they REALLY like me and can't get enough of me and it pisses off people they used to give attention to." but I seriously doubt that. and then I admitted to myself how I am with boys. boyfriends have one purpose... me. give me attention. love me. desire me. think I'm great. and if you don't, I don't need you as a boyfriend. I have the greatest best friend in the entire world. I can talk to him about anything. I don't need a boyfriend to really talk to or be deep with, I just want someone who really thinks I'm hot and cute and sweet and smart and who will tell me that every moment of every day. if you can't do that as my boyfriend, you need not apply. it just so happens that I have a boyfriend right now that I absolutely adore inside and out and if he stopped telling me all those things, I would be crushed, but I would still love him with all my heart and need him to be in my life. so Eric cured me rather than me healing myself. but I'm still demanding, I still need all the time he can give me. and what was really going on last night was that I hate when people say they'll do something and then they don't. so Eric was trying to keep me happy. and Siddarius interpreted Eric wanting to call me at a certain time as me running his life. I resent that so much. nobody has to do what I ask them to. I'm not in the habit of holding guns to people's heads. Eric is a grown man and he does what he wants. Siddarius is a fucking idiot for blaming me. but now I'm off track. the question is why do my boyfriends' friends hate me? and I honestly believe I'm not going to get anywhere until I talk to Koye about this. rar. I guess that's all then.
I am currently Angry
I am listening to "Needle in the Hay" by Elliot Smith

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breaking a branch
07/25/2004 12:23 a.m.
I think it's like trying to break a branch off a tree. or at least the way I would break a branch. pulling it back from the trunk and if you let go too soon it just slaps back into place and maybe hits you or anyone close to it in the process. so you can't let go. you have to keep pulling until it breaks. you have to be all for it. like ripping off a band aid. you can't stop in the middle to reconsider. it's all or nothing. so I'm going for it all or nothing. call me harsh, call me mean, call me a bitch. I don't care. my trunk is being weighed down by an unnecessary branch that will only cause pain. so I'm breaking it.

I am currently Random
I am listening to the De Lovely soundtrack

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?
07/20/2004 10:07 p.m.
I keep hearing things. I get tactile hallucinations all the time... mostly in the form of feeling something on my skin that isn't really there. but I don't really ever hear or see things that aren't there. so for the past few... days?... weeks?... I don't know, I've been assuming there's a TV on somewhere or Zane's left his music on again. but when neither of those things are true, and I'm really quiet, sometimes I hear talking. it's very faint, and maybe I'm too good at pretending or I'm paranoid, but it happens. it has happened before, but only when I'm just waking up. like I'll have a dream, and feel like I've been awakened by someone talking, and there'll be no one there.

I finally fell asleep at 6:30 this morning and slept til about 2:00. I'm not sure why I'm having so much trouble sleeping.

I feel a really intense conversation with Koye coming on. He's thinking things, and I'm thinking things. honestly, I'm not sure I want to say what I'm thinking though. I want to try my best not to be the insensitive, dense, unsympathetic skeptic that I sometimes can be, but that side of me is creeping up. it's common knowledge that I have a hard time being understanding if people take "too long" to get over something. I'm often guilty of thinking people should be over things by now. my mother and I have had conversations about that, but always in the context of someone dying. which makes everything seem that much more melodramatic. but what it boils down to is, I'm thinking some egotism is at work here, and whenever you call someone on that, bad things occur. throughout this whole situation, I (and, by the way, not just me, but many many other people) have had a hard time seeing why this is so important to Koye. the place that I came to back then and am still at now is that - it - doesn't - matter - . it doesn't matter that I don't understand why he's affected by it. I'm his best friend, and when he's says, "what you're doing is hurting me," I should stop. and I should have. if someone asked me to describe what I did wrong in this situation, I'd say, "I ignored my best friend when he said he was in pain. I could have stopped it, but I didn't." that doesn't mean I understand why he was hurting. that doesn't mean I wouldn't like to understand why he was hurting. I'd like to know. I think knowing would make things easier. and I'm sure he's thinking that he's been explaining all along, and I'm just not listening. he has been trying to explain. I'm sure he's done his best. but I still don't understand. and I think I may have to come to the conclusion that I never will understand, and in the long run, who cares if I do or not?

I don't know what this accomplished. but I think I'm done because I've run out of things to say. ugh.
I am currently Detached
I am listening to nothing

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Gimme the Mike! (Georgia)
07/13/2004 01:22 a.m.
for those of you who don't know, Channel 2 (ABC) here in GA is having an American Idol-esque contest called "Gimme the Mike! (Georgia)." why do I care? because I know the guy who just won the third round. yes indeed, my mother and he used to work together and I met him at the wedding of a mutual friend of theirs. he's an amazing guy and SO talented.

check him out.

I swear my mother and I watched it and just shouted at the top of our lungs for him while my dad sat and called us crazy. but you would have shouted too. he's just cute. cute cute.

yay!

I am currently Happy
I am listening to something about cosmetic surgery... I don't know

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favorites
07/11/2004 11:09 p.m.
Mara Meade has her favorite poems in her library. that seems like a better idea than having a favorites folder. I might just try it out. yes, yes.
I am currently Creative
I am listening to still Mediaeval Baebes

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Mediaeval Baebes
07/11/2004 09:55 p.m.
Razreesh
Vania Zouravliov

Cut me like a fruit
In the still of your room
I will gladly be your slave
Until you tell me to go away

(Cut me in half like a peach apple or pear
Eat me for breakfast
And spit out my little bones)

I will grow through your floor in a shape of a tree
And will be with you everyday
Until you cut me down
Until you get bored someday


oh my this is a great CD. oh my yes.
I am currently Creative
I am listening to "Slay Me Suddenly" by Mediaeval Baebes

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cleaning house
07/07/2004 05:25 p.m.
put the Tommy and John folders together making one huge ex-boyfriend folder. they were taking up too much space. and I really want to put a favorites folder up, but it didn't work out so well last time. ah well. we'll see, I guess.

I should be cleaning actual, physical house, but I'm wasting my time on the computer. that's what I do.

a haircut is on the horizon, my children.

gosh, you know what? this has been my train of thought lately. the internet, cleaning my room, cutting my hair. the end. I'm feeling very inhibited. I'm not sure by what. and I don't know why those things are so important that I have to bring them up in every conversation or written word. it's bizarre.

I need lunch, darn it.
I am currently Puzzled
I am listening to nothing

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nervousness
06/10/2004 06:19 p.m.
talk about the most nerve-racking two days of my entire life. I gave my presentation in Intro to Africa this morning (got 20 out of 25, woohoo!) which just thinking about yesterday kept me shaking in fear. as if that's not bad enough, my economics teacher picks me to stand in front of the class and discuss an article I'd brought for homework on the G8 summit and talks to reduce Iraqi debt. I sort of knew he was going to do it. he LOVES to pick on me. it was the most embarrassing day ever.

that being said, after my Africa class I stayed behind and thanked Professor Harris for all she'd taught me and I finally worked up the courage to talk to her about everything I'd been wanting to talk to her about (basically about me and Eric as relates to our future children and my responsibility as their mother to teach them about both sides of their heritage) and she took it so well. she is the sweetest person. she even gave me her phone numbers and email so we could keep in touch. it was awesome.

and I ended up writing a poem in econ that I'll posting veeeery soon.

it's weird how sometimes the days you think will be the worst will turn out to be wonderful. ah.

I am currently Happy
I am listening to "Crucify" on the Tori Amos DVD

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