nephews
03/03/2005 08:28 p.m.
I love them. and I love Paula for taking and sending pictures of them. oh my. so cute.

I am currently Better
I am listening to frantic typing (in the writing center)

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connections
03/02/2005 05:30 a.m.
I feel I've lost the connection between my body and my mind. sometimes when I'm walking, I'll stop to think about something and a few seconds later I'll wonder if I stopped walking or am I still moving. like I lose myself for a few seconds. my head is one place and my body is somewhere else. I don't feel connected. Is that why I did what I did to Eric? sounds like a cop out, doesn't it? I don't know. I don't know what I'm thinking these days. and I know that's why things are like this. Eric wanted to know what I was thinking, why did I kiss that other boy. I don't know. I have no idea. what really did it was when he asked why I couldn't love him more. that sentiment... I mean, I've felt that. I've wanted to say that to people. and I made someone feel that way. being on this side of things is terrible. but it's where I'm living these past few years. I don't know how to get the connection back. and maybe I'm scared to. once I get it back, I'll have to face what I did. really face it. and that is going to hurt.

this summer we're going to California for a family reunion. I love California, especially the part we're going to. northern California. it has a totally different feel than Georgia. it's almost like you can feel the ocean on the other side of you. strange. maybe going there will help me sort some things out. and I'm hoping Koye coming next week will do me some good. I'll probably spill my guts to him and sob all over the place and keep a headache. but it will be wonderful. he's so amazing. he's like my lighthouse. I might hit some waves, deal with some pirates, but he's always there for me to come back to. I really love him.

I don't know what else to do. I am a monster.
I am currently Detached

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friends and lovers
02/20/2005 07:36 p.m.
had a nice long talk with Heather last night about all that's going on. like ALL. stuff I didn't even know I was thinking. and I just don't know how long I can let this go on. letting time pass is the hardest thing in the world. I hate it. and it makes me make mistakes. I'm scared of losing him permanently, but I can't think about that right now.

it all comes down to me being selfish and immature and confused and insecure and self-conscious and stupidly curious. that's really all it is. I'm sure he's thinking about things he's done to cause this, but whatever he's thinking of is miniscule in comparison to my faults in this. I always suspected I was afraid of committment, but I'd never had anyone really commit to me so I could find out for sure.

so it's about taking care of me. fixing me. doing it by myself, for myself. but I don't know if I can do that without completely screwing up everything me and Eric have ever had. gosh.
I am currently Sad
I am listening to Boy Meets World on the TV

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yes.
02/19/2005 04:23 a.m.
yes. it was a break up. we need to be apart to see if we need each other or not. it was terrible. a terrible, terrible thing. we smoked a black & mild just like at the train station. he cried. I cried. he told me to keep the CD. he's going to keep Pig. he hates Pig. he still loves me. I still love him. maybe in a month this will all be a joke. maybe in a month he will have found a better girl. maybe in a month he'll have realized how little he needs me. you never know. being single is one thing. being apart is another. oh God, the worst part. leaving that bench we were sitting at and talking. we hugged and I felt him sob. it was like a knife. when we pulled apart, I leaned in to kiss him. he shook his head and pulled away. that was like a bomb. a huge atomic bomb. he walked me back to my building and we hugged again. I told him to be careful like I always do when he walks home at night. he said I love you, Emmy. I said I love you too. and that was it.

why is it so hard to do something you need to do? I hate this necessary pain. I hate thinking of what might happen if we don't get back together. I hate thinking of what he'll say to his sisters. they want us to get married. his uncle that wanted to set him up with a black girl will sure be happy. my dad will be relieved. at least for a while. my older brother will certainly be happy.

I'm so glad I have Heather. I would have absolutely broken into a thousand pieces had she not been there. I still might break into a thousand pieces, but she'll be there to glue me back together and say it'll be ok.

I smiled a little at the thought that me and Koye's promise has been reinstated. a little light at the end of the tunnel.

but I'm afraid. I might not sleep tonight at all. how can I get into bed and fall asleep? the only reason I'm not crying right now is because my mind is occupied with pressing the right keys to say what I want to say. I can't stop and think about this because I might never stop. I may just have to cry myself to sleep.

everything reminds me of him. that will NEVER go away.

I have to stop doing this now. I should think about how great a day I had with Jared and Joe. it was a great day. I got some beautiful pictures. oh God, I forgot. as we were walking back to my building, he said he saw some trees over by Southern Courtyard and he thought that I would have thought it would make a pretty picture. he said that. I wanted to just go, ok, that's enough proof for me. what an amazing thing to say. I adore him.

this is never going to last. I can't believe this is done.
I am currently Depressed

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break up?
02/18/2005 06:34 p.m.
maybe? yes? I don't know. all I know is that I said, "Eric, do you want to break up?" then he said, "maybe," then I said, "fine," and hung up. today I went to get my camera from his room because Jared and Joe and I are going to Savannah and I want to take some good pictures. I brought him some stuff of his from my room and I took a few things of mine from his room. he just said that he'd bring over anything else I needed. he looked and sounded sad, but he didn't seem to want to talk about anything, and I certainly didn't. so we didn't. so maybe that's it? I don't really know how these things work, and I just feel like it hasn't really sunk in yet. like maybe later on he'll call and apologize and things'll be ok again. I don't even know if I want that. I was the one who initially said I wanted to take a break. so, yeah. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

I did cry. even though I feel like the full effects haven't hit yet (and probably won't for a while). I stupidly decided to look at the pictures on my digital camera. what did it were the pictures of his little sisters. I love those girls and they love me. what's going to happen with them? I don't know what I'll do if this actually is a break up. none of Eric's ex-girlfriends have cared about Sadie and Mantha, and they hadn't gotten attatched to any of them. jeez, that's strange. I remember when my brother broke up with Shandra and I was PISSED. she was the only one of his girlfriends up to that point that was nice to me. I still think about her sometimes. she was great. is it going to be the same situation with Sadie and Mantha?

I really need to stop thinking about this right now. so I'm going to stop writing. we'll just see.
I am currently Depressed
I am listening to "Cannonball" by Damien Rice

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stole a quiz from Koye
02/01/2005 11:22 p.m.

You scored as Fire. Fire is your predominating element; it rules the signs of Aries, Leo and Sagittarius. Fire 85% Water 80% Air 75% Spirit 60% Earth 60% Which of the Five Elements are you? created with QuizFarm.com

stole this from Koye. gotta say, if you want to look at it from a zodiac perspective, I should be air as I'm a Gemini. oh well, I love the Leos, so I guess it works.
I am currently Warm
I am listening to people talking

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call me hateful
01/31/2005 08:58 p.m.
I'm happy when he's in pain. apply liberally to whichever "he" you'd like. as stupid as girls can be, I never relish karma so much as when it's executed upon a boy.

the end.
I am currently Bemused
I am listening to Drew Carey on the TV

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angry over a dream
01/05/2005 05:52 p.m.
so I had a dream and I feel like I might have been guiding it a little. but it definitely was a dream. and I wasn't wearing any pants, oddly. but I asked him why we never got together. I made him swear that he would finally tell me the God's honest truth no matter how it would hurt me. and he told me what I've always been waiting to hear. that he's just... not attracted to me. that was the answer I'd always expected. then I realized that he cares about me as a friend so he'd probably never say that to my face cause he knows that would hurt me. so I've been like agonizing over it cause I honestly believe it must be because he doesn't think I'm pretty enough or skinny enough or boyish enough or whatever. and it's torture because I don't think he'll ever say that. but in this dream, he came right out with it. and he looked a lot taller and bigger than he really does. and I was intimidated. and maybe that was because I wasn't wearing pants, ok. but it was bittersweet because he finally told the truth. what was funny was that after he said it, I wished I wouldn't have asked. not knowing was better than knowing. that NEVER happens to me. but I feel like I've found the instance where I'd rather just not know. but as soon as that sentiment escapes, I feel I really WOULD like to know. not that it would change anything. we all know I'm not even happy with myself. it's not like I'd be harder on myself than I already am. but it's just the thinking about how many poems I've written about how beautiful he is. and everyone has flaws, it's true, but my poetry does not even hint at his. it's all roses. so if he comes back with, "I'm just not attracted to you," I mean, how much poetry is that down the drain? it's true insanity. it really is. that I can't just put this away. that he pops up every now and then to remind me that there is some unrequited love somewhere in my past. and God knows I can't resist the martyrdom and sadness of unrequited love. just like Koye said, there's sweetness in it. you get to be sad. you have a reason to mope. I shouldn't have a reason to mope. I have requited love. but every so often I'm reminded that one got away. ok, way more than one got away. but one important one... one I thought definitely should be reciprocal... got away. and I don't even know why. it would have ruined our friendship. I can't buy that. I just can't. I feel there's more. and there I am back to wanting to know more. I should give this up.
I am currently Stupid
I am listening to nothing

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stupidly in love
11/26/2004 12:12 a.m.
Koye was right when he said that being in love makes people stupid. SO right. I am going to make a conscious effort not to be stupid even though I'm in love with Eric. because even though I have someone, there is nothing more annoying than hearing someone gush on and on about loving some other person. save it for that person, you know? like, I'll tell Eric gooey love stuff, but no one else needs to be subjected to that. it grosses me out, so it probably does the same to everyone else. yuck.

also, read my previous journal entry.

the end.
I am currently Peaceful
I am listening to Zane talking on the phone to his girlfriend

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patronage
11/25/2004 03:28 p.m.
oi, I made a donation to pathetic... it's been overdue TOO long. I LOVE this site and it's only right to support it as much as I use it.

there aren't many questions in the faq about being a patron, though, and I have a couple. anyone with answers will be hugged and wished a happy thanksgiving. when should I expect to be considered a patron and how will I even know? though a one-time donation is all it takes, are multiple donations over time kind of the unwritten rule?

help, I want to be as kind as possible without seeming over zealous. ok, that's my whole life, but you know.

:D heeeeelllllllppppppp...
I am currently Happy
I am listening to my mom asking me to wake my brother up

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