circlesandcirclesandcirclesagainhesaysand... gottostopspinning
12/17/2002 06:53 a.m.
It’s become very circular. I know what I’m feeling and he knows what he’s feeling but we can’t make them mesh. I want to. I do. There isn’t anything in me that says he isn’t what I need. I will always need him. But he doesn’t understand that. He thinks if I can... I don’t know... reach my goal – get the guy – win – whatever... that suddenly I won’t need a best friend anymore. That’s just not how it is.

And I’m tired of saying it all new various sundry ways. That is the truth. Period. I love him. Need him to be my best friend. And will, always. The end.

Why can’t that just be the end?

I am currently Tired
I am listening to something on NBC... maybe Carson?

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home
12/15/2002 09:25 p.m.
I'm back. I've been meaning to post a journal entry to say that. The first one got lost as I was violent thrown from AOL. I hate AOL. Yes, I do. And then each time I'd start to write a journal entry, I'd have to stop. I'd start IMing or my mom would want me to shop with her or whatever. So yes, here I am. Saying hi and that I'm home and glad to be. Currently Koye is travelling home and that brings me joy. Talk about cutting back on phone bills. It's nice when we're both home and we can sit on the phone saying nothing while we watch Will and Grace and talk only at commercial. It's not something we made a habit of, but we did it and it's nice to do it again.

And Christmas is coming. I've been kind of grinchy this year, but I am glad it's on its way. Yay!

And Thomas shall be swinging my way. Joy.

And I really need to call the Strass I shall be rooming with. It's on the list, certainly.

And (I HAVE to stop that... at least I didn't rhyme "write" with "write" 500 times...) I should go before I get kicked off again.

Love you.

Promise.
I am currently Dorky
I am listening to "Metal Detector" by They Might Be Giants

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reallyextremelyyouwouldn'tevenbelievehowhappy
12/01/2002 04:31 a.m.
I... um... am still lacking in words. Probably not the best time to post a journal entry, you might think. I disagree. I just think it’s really necessary to document my happiness. Sadness is always documented heavily with me... happiness deserves its share, you know? So yes, happy. I’m fairly certain this night was one of my favorites so far in regards to Tommy. I was a bit worried when he hadn’t called in the evening and had actually started moping at one point. And then the ten o’clock hour rolled around. Yum. Yeah, I guess that’s the best way to sum it all up. Yum. There are a bunch of times when I SHOULD say things and I’m not able to (in this case because I’d been immobilized by images and feelings) so I suppose this is taking the opportunity to say something like “yum” when I should have. Yum. Yum yum yum. And permanent goosebumps, most definitely.

It feels wrong to switch subjects at this point... I was going to ramble about Tori Amos and how great this CD has been over this Thanksgiving break and maybe about how nuts my family is being... things like that. But now I just can’t see that happening. My brain is full of other things. Other really enjoyable things. Yeah.

I’m going back to school tomorrow morning so this’ll be my last journal entry til Christmas break. (Unless something earth shattering happens at like 2 in the morning.) And, honestly, this is the best way to leave it. Everything being great. I got to see Koye. That made me so happy. Just Friday morning sitting there all make-up-ified talking to him while he was still in bed and hitting him when he beat me at DOA and music and Utena and 2 AM pictures... it was really nice to do all that again. What would I do without that? And I got to go see Sim and Jon and everyone. And I got to hug Jared which is a really odd thing since we see each other nearly every day and I was like “Okay, hug me while we still can!” : ) That was all great. And the fact that Tommy and I are at a point where he’ll call me at home from Virginia... that’s a cool thing. Especially with conversations like the one we had tonight. Um, yeah. : ) So this journal entry is all about the joy. I posted a ridiculous number of poems which have been getting reads and comments and all kinds of fun. Please don’t hate me for my happiness... I don’t mean to brag... just to... um... well, yeah, brag. I’m happy. I’ll be back in a week and a half! Yay.

I am currently Stellar
I am listening to "Your Cloud" by Tori Amos

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plans and things
11/30/2002 11:47 p.m.
I started typing things... I don't know. They're just things I've been dealing with. Maybe in ten minutes I could come back to the subject and say something totally different. But this is the inital feeling...

Sometimes you have to stand up and say enough. When a person forces you there... when someone says "Sure, I love you..." and then turns to the boy next to them and whispers "...but I'll always love you most," those are times you have to turn the page. Or at least reread it. There was a period I was very sure of my future. I'm not anymore. I won't allow myself to do that. I won't be second best. I won't be the back-up plan. I deserve better. Everyone does. So it's time to reevaluate my priorities. I always put him first. Always. And I thought he did the same for me. I was wrong. Well, you get to that realization and all your plans are pointless. He was letting you think it was exactly what he wanted when you were actually just all he could get. That's not a good feeling. I've been that for too many people to want anymore of it. What does this mean? It means I'm not going to try so hard to convince him that he's number one for me. He is and will continue to be. Love doesn't just stop, of course. But if wants to believe he's less, I'm not going to go so far out of my way to convince him otherwise. And I'm not going to dance around any other feelings I'm having. If I want to talk all night to him, I will and I won't apologize. The only reason he's offended is because he might be losing his Plan B. Well, screw him and his Plan B. He was my Plan A.

Like I said, maybe I'll feel differently later. This is just right now. Most of it is just fact. Some is speculation. It's all being blurred by emotion, so that doesn't help. Otherwise things are great. I better be getting a phone call, however! (o:

Life is so fun.

And scary.

Or maybe that's why it's fun.

Oh well.

I am currently Jumbled
I am listening to "Taxi Ride" by Tori Amos

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really random journal entry
11/27/2002 10:57 p.m.
Hi. I'm going to put up a real journal entry now. Maybe. I went back and read some of the journal entries from earlier visits and realized something. I posted them all with the mindset that Tommy would never read them. Oops. (o: It's okay, really. Maybe it's better he knows it all. I dunno. I don't think it was anything that he didn't know before.

I'm home, by the way. That is joyous. I'm listening to Scarlet's Walk like there is no tomorrow. I love it. I was sort of undecided about the CD at first. Like, I guess this okay... not normal Tori stuff... but it SO is. You just kind of have to put yourself into the vibe she's working with. It's amazing. "Lily is dancing on the table..." I love that song. That line in particular is fun. Not sure why. I like the name Lily.

I get to see Koye Thursday! I'm quite happy about that. We have more things to do than time will logically allow, but we can try and that'll be fun. He's cool. Word.

Simeon's having a thing at his house on Friday. I shall definitely be partaking. I wonder if Doug knows about it? I really miss Doug. It'll be nice to see people again. I like people. (o: And it'll be the first time since graduation I get to see new-roommate-Ashley. That'll be fun.

Other happy things are happening... let's see. Tommy's coming down for Christmas break. That is definitely good. I'm a bit scared, but I think it'll go well. Mmm, boys. Especially actor, Virginia-born, TMBG-listening, funny, sweet boys... like Tommy for instance.

My parents are being weird. My dad’s not feeling well and my mom yelled at me a while ago. I wanted to eat lunch in my room and she said I couldn’t. I was like “EEMMM, I’m EIGHTEEN. I’m basically on my own. If I want to eat in the garage, I should be able to.” Parents... silly.

Growing up is yucky. I never had a problem with it til now. Probably cause I’m just now actually doing it. Ah well. I’ve run out of things to say. Happy early Thanksgiving.

I am currently Calm
I am listening to "Taxi Ride" by Tori Amos

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Epiffany (o:
11/27/2002 07:28 p.m.
I wrote this a while ago after I'd been talking to Koye... I'm just going to put it up here. Sim, this is the thing I wanted you to read. I think it explains some things I should have explained before. Ah well, here it is.

I had an epiphany. It’s a nice thing when that happens. We were just talking (Koye and I) and he was calling me wimpy and rightly so. I was complaining that Tommy didn’t love me. It was dumb and silly but he just burst out and said “You’re such a wimp! What happened to you? I remember in high school the hyper-feminism and you saying ‘if you can’t give yourself a feeling or be happy in yourself, something’s wrong.’ What happened to that?” And we’d both been talking to me about that. I’d wonder that whenever I talked to Tommy on the phone. “What’s wrong with me that I can’t just be happy? Why do I base what I’m feeling on him?” There was a time when I despised girls who did that. (Silly me, I never thought there were boys who did that with girls... turns out boys can be just as wimpy as girls.) So I decided that now was the time to work this out because it had gone on long enough. So I settled myself into my bed and began to talk and figured that I’d stop whenever I was done. I talked for a long time. I don’t even remember what all I said, but there was so much going on, I doubt it matters. Koye and I determined that I had given something to John and I needed to get it back, but I didn’t know what it was or how to get it back. I actually put in words for the first time today what I gave to him. (When I had the epiphany, there weren’t any words for it; I just needed to stop what I was doing...)

I became Mrs. Monroe, which is fine for her, since she’s married, but I wasn’t married to John. (The whole story here is that she said one day that her entire self-confidence was based on what David thought about her. It stuck with me and I’ve evaluated that idea in my brain about a thousand times, each time finding some new thing I hadn’t had before.) I gave my self-confidence to him. I gave him all my self-respect. Anything about me that I liked, I gave to him and made sure he liked it too and then I just left it all with him. After we broke up, I never thought to get it back. Sure, you think about getting back your CDs and other things of yours they borrowed, but you don’t think about your self-confidence. If you put how you view yourself into the hands of someone else, when you lose that person, you lose yourself. I got so used to John reaffirming me all day everyday that, when I lost that, I lost any belief in me. When you have someone telling you five times a day that you’re okay, if they stop, you stop being okay. So you have to get to a point where you’re comfortable just being you and having the friends you have and the God you have and that being enough. It’s about wanting what you have; appreciating that you do have amazing friends and God is working in your life and showing you things. I think I would have appreciated more the direction that God has given me recently towards ministry if I wouldn’t have been so caught up in being “good enough.”

When I told Tommy about this epiphany he became me for a second and said “Wait, wait, being in a relationship is wonderful. The ultimate happiness is finding a person to share your life with.” Yeah, I agree. Love is amazing. Once you’ve been in a relationship that was really good, you miss it when it’s gone. Believe me, I know this. You lose a lot of the excess happiness you were getting. Being in a relationship with someone is definitely a good thing. It definitely brings happiness. But what if you never find that person? What if you go through your life and never marry? Does that mean you don’t ever get to be happy? It shouldn’t be that way. You should be content with what you have, and thankful for it, and rejoicing over it. There is a fine line between basing your happiness on another person and simply enjoying that happiness when you can get it. Putting your entire self-esteem on someone else is just a bad idea. People make mistakes and they’re going to let you down. That shouldn’t affect how you see yourself. It just means that people aren’t perfect. If you put the way you see yourself in something less erratic (contentment with being you, the joy in a God that loves you and will always) then you aren’t going to need someone telling you that you’re okay every five minutes. Isn’t easier to just be okay with you?

I gave John more things. Bigger things, maybe. I gave him the way I thought of boys. I gave up all I knew to be true about boys. He was one exception to the rule and I thought everyone was like him. Growing up it was very normal for me to love someone and to never ever tell them. If I did end up telling, I never expected anything in return. It was my experience that if you tell a boy that you like him, he’ll almost never like you back. So I got used to that. I figured that’s how it would be with John. But I told him that I liked him and he said “Okay, cool. I like you too” and we dated. So I reevaluated my entire view of boys. I thought maybe I’d just been seeing them wrong the whole time. Well, no, I hadn’t. I’d been seeing clearly. John clouded my vision of boys. And I expected every boy to respond to me the way John had, even though that response was only a 30% kind of response. Boys mostly had nothing to do with me romantically in high school. Somehow I threw that out the window and expected boys to all be what they’d only been 30% of the time. Those kinds of expectations are ridiculous and that’s just when I put them on people like Simeon who I’d known for years. (Yeah, this whole epiphany even helped me see where I was going wrong with Simeon. Even though we have always only been friends, I was expecting more than that from him because I’d given up the part of me that was able to see boys as “just friends.” I’d look at boys in my classes and if I thought they wouldn’t date me - that was it for them. I’d cross them off the list and not even consider them for friendship. Well, that is just dumb.) But to put those kinds of expectations on someone I’ve never even met like I did to Tommy... I don’t know how he handled that. I can’t look at boys in that way anymore. I can’t expect all boys to be John and I don’t want all boys to be John. It’s just as bad to group all boys into the “good” category as it is to shove them all into the “bad” one. Looking at any group without seeing individuals is just dumb. It makes you do things like I was doing.

It’s like the horoscope thing Tommy and I were talking about last night. He found out that he’s actually a Capricorn, not an Aquarius like he thought. Yeah, so who cares, you ask? Well, apparently, Capricorns and Geminis aren’t compatible. (This, by the way, is ridiculous since Karla who I’ve been friends with since kindergarten, and my grandma who is my favorite relative are both Capricorns.) Who’s to say who is or isn’t compatible? People are so individual that it must be impossible to make those kinds of predictions. So yeah, it’s all a bunch of crap, right Tommy? So the main thing with this epiphany is that I was just being overbearing and I had some impossible standards for the people I love. When I got done talking about it with Koye my response to it was “I need to call like a million people and apologize.” I definitely feel bad for causing so much trouble.

Can you believe it? – I even used Jon Huff in this epiphany. I was thinking that I really needed to go to that Tori concert with him. He was necessary in that situation. If Simeon had gone with me, I might never have had this epiphany. Everything that happened with Jon was so platonic and I just really haven’t had that in a while. It was me and a boy and just friendship. I don’t think I would have felt the same way if I’d gone with Simeon. And it’s not to say I don’t want to spend time with him, obviously. But it took being away from him for a little tiny while to realize something that will make our relationship so much better.

So I think I got my things back from John. There may still be some things I haven’t noticed I’m missing yet. That’ll come eventually, I’m sure. But these things... my self-confidence, the way I see me, the way I see boys... I got all those back. Um, and now the hugest thank-you in the world is owed to Koye Berry cause I wouldn’t have gotten this far without him. Thanks, and don’t you dare name your daughter Epiffany.

I am currently Happy
I am listening to "Sorta Fairytale" by dearest Tori Amos

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things that are happening
11/10/2002 01:23 a.m.
Today was a weird day. It was filled with nothingness and it was still depressing. I was at my brother's house for a majority of the day. He's dating his ex-wife's (ex?)bestfriend. Yeah, I know. Somehow I'm the only person who has a problem with that. When I voiced how I greatly dislike this chick, my parents were all understanding to her and "you can't choose who you love" and all that crap. Who dates their friend's ex-husband?? I just happen to think that is horrible. And it's not just that, but the fact that he has no problem dating her. That is strange. So that kind of weirded me out. My brother is also selling his house and building a new one. He gave me a really nice necklace... gold and diamonds and stuff because I'm "deserving of it." He's a good guy. Strange, but sweet.

And I get home and call Koye. It was 6:30 so I figured he and Tommy must be dinnering it up and they'd be back soon so I left a voicemail saying that, completely forgetting that this is the weekend of dancing breakfast foods. Yep. So that didn't really help the day.

I'll tell you what DID help the day - shopping! Yes. I bought Donnie Darko on DVD. Tommy says it's fun. I believe him. It was a good movie and I've been wanting to watch it again, so that's fun. I also bought the "new" Nirvana CD, mostly cause I don't have any of their stuff (except the Unplugged tape SOMEWHERE... can't find it...). It's very enjoyable. And, of course, I purchased Rid of Me by PJ Harvey. It's way good. CRAZY, but good. I think I shall also admit that I purchased Factory Showroom by They Might be Giants... I'm trusting in the musical judgement of Tommy here. There has been talk of the song "The Bells are Ringing" so I bought the CD with that song on it. The band is totally nuts; their songs are completely random. I love the song "New York City" at this point; hopefully they'll all sort of open up to me. You know what I mean? It's a Tori Amos thing. You have to listen til you understand. But it's a lot of fun. So shopping is good. Praise to Best Buy.

Tomorrow is the Tori Amos concert. Just got off the phone with Jon Huff... he's my partner-in-music for the day. That'll be lots of fun. I'm definitely looking forward to seeing Tori again. She's the best. It'll make my week, fo sheezy. (awwww... Brent... he was all about the "fo sheezy") I just hope my Greek grade won't suffer too much because of it. NOTTHATITMATTERS. My credits won't transfer. So yeah.

I'm out of things to say. Not really but I'm tired of typing. I love you. Goodnight.
I am currently Disillusioned
I am listening to "Me-Jane" by PJ Harvey... mmmm...

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conversation
11/08/2002 05:32 a.m.
“Um, can I help you?”

“Nope. Well, I mean, maybe. I like cats, but not when they bark at night and no one can get any sleep.”

“Dogs?”

“Hum? Oh, yes, I had a dog once. But he got lost.”

“I meant... nevermind. Did you need something?”

“No thank you.”

“So why are you here?” I glanced around my apartment.

“Oh, I forgot. I’m supposed to give you something. It’s from my sister – the nice one.” A look of devotion filled her mismatched eyes (one was blue, the other green). I instantly knew what I was dealing with.

“Why didn’t she just give it to me?”

“She said I should meet you. I’d like you. Ooops,” she spilled a few drops of Yahoo on my carpet, “I’m sorry. I could fix it...?”

“No!” I said a bit too quickly and a bit too loudly. “I mean, uh, I’ll get it.” I wasn’t sure I wanted her “fixing” anything. That was the way people ended up sneezing purple rodents and hearing tastes and things.

“Okay.” She pulled out bubbles and blew them in various colors and shapes as I cleaned up the mess.

“So Del, ya gonna hand whatever it is over?”

“Del. You know my name.” She looked at me with absolute reverence.

“Mmm-hm. The thing?”

“Right.” She stood up quickly and pulled something out of her pocket. It was butterfly pinned under glass. I laughed and took it carefully. “She said you’d think it was funny, but I don’t know why a dead butterfly is funny. My sister’s sense of humor, I guess... right? Is that why it’s funny?” she asked sincerely, a strand of blue hair hanging in her face.

I looked back at her with admiration. “Well, maybe a bit. But also because you gave it to me.” I smiled hugely.

A grin developed on her face. “I made it funny?”

“Yep.”

“Wow.”

“Thanks Del.”

“No problem.”

“Tell your sister – the nice one – I said hi.”

“Okay. Um, I’m going to look for a place I’ve been before. What do you call that?”

“Familiar?”

“Like a spirit? Familiar?”

“Yeah, like a spirit.”

“Thanks. Bye!” She skipped away leaving a shadow of something shimmering behind her.


This story is kind of a departure. We get so caught up in reform and helping ourselves that when a happy time comes along, we don’t know where to turn. I had nothing to do on a random Wednesday so Koye suggested a talk with Death. I wasn’t sad or angry, I told him. I resolved to go to the next best thing. The only one you can really talk to when you’re happy. She’s the only one who’ll understand. And she did. There’s a big Tori Amos thrust (ha) to this story. I think it’s unavoidable when you talk with Delirium. And I’d say it’s about time I got to talking to her; she’s part of my email and everything.

I am currently Insecure
I am listening to Koye talking. We do that a lot. It's fun.

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lots of things
11/08/2002 03:57 a.m.
Tommy started a barage of making and taking goofy quizzes that has proven to be irrepressible. It's silly. But way fun. I'm the woman. I happen to know all. That's just the way it goes sometimes. And sometimes not. Things are going well, I think. I feel good about people. The only thing bringing anything down is how often I've been presented with my own egotism lately. I hate that in other people and if I weren't me, I'd probably hate me. So I feel like I come off as very stuck up and snobby to people. It's not a good feeling. I don't mean to do that, honestly. Urgh. Pantyhose. Try it.

I lost my train of thought. I'm home because I had to go see Dr. Good today. He is the love of my life. If he weren't married, I'd marry him. Or at least try to get him to marry me. I'm not good enough for him. Also, I'm 18 and his patient. It's actually a really sad thing since he's pediatric ENT. I'm most definitely his oldest patient. It's sad. I promise.

I love you. I mean it.

I'm rooming with Ashley next semester. It would not be possible to make me happier. She's the coolest. And immeasurably sweet for letting me live with her.

Simeon thinks he can just take my love and swing it around and hit walls and stuff with it. What a poo head. :) That's okay. I love him anyway. I'm dumb.

I might be visiting Koye and Tommy for Spring Break. I swear to you, that would be the most wonderful thing ever. Those boys. Wow. Tommy thinks my mom is cool. She is. He's right. And he's cool too. My mom said he's crazy. He is. She's right. And she's crazy too. Wow. That worked out so well. Anyway, Spring Break... that'll be too fun. I'll have to hide under covers and things so I don't get them in trouble, but you know what? Hiding under covers is not something I'm going to mind doing. :) Mmmm...

Anyway. Wow. That was crazy. I'm going to see Tori Amos on Sunday. Shhhh. I could get kicked out if anyone tells. Don't tell. Not yet, at least. I'm going with Jon Huff. He's so kind to go with me. I was going to force a parent to go, but he graciously is going with me instead. And I'm so happy! What a lovely choice for a concert-going-with-friend-person! It'll be fun. Tori is always fun. And so is Jon. It's like a guarenteed night of fun. Wow.

Lots of "wow"s in this. Sorry about that.

I should probably end this now before I start talking about sincerely random things that people really shouldn't hear about.

A boy flirted with me in a music store today. It was fun.

See? Things like that. I'm going to go now.

I'll be posting poems eventually. I think.

Goodnight.
I am currently Upbeat
I am listening to "Beat on the Brat" by the Ramones (don't ask why, just 'cause)

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itinvolvespaintolookinside
10/27/2002 03:54 p.m.
I'm leaving for hell in about an hour. That's a depressing thought. Even more depressing is the thought that Tommy is coming back from Virginia today and I get to be either elated or crushed. It sucks that my emotions are all wrapped up in this. It's everything I've always hated about girls, or people in general, really. That they can't just be happy without being influenced by others. It's a hell of a lot easier said than done. Anyone can say "I'm happy. What you say can't get to me." But not everyone can really do that. Even if you say it, things still get to you. Yeah, Jared, you're only hurt if you LET it hurt you. :) I know he doesn't hold to that anymore, but I still like to tease him about it.

My dad actually offered to let me leave Bob Jones at the end of the semester. Can you believe that? I was shocked. And sort of offended, I guess. That's why I refused the offer. It was like saying "I know you're fragile and you can't handle this and you're weak so I'll let up on you." I'm too proud... and I need to prove to myself and others that I can do this. I'm not fragile or weak. I can suck it up and finish the year even if I hate the nazis I have to deal with everyday. It's about maintaining what I've always maintained about myself. I'm not going to quit or surrender. It's not like me.

So sucky music 'til May.

Yep.

I like Ben Kweller more every time I listen to the CD. He's so cute. Not like, physically (well, he IS physically cute, too) but the way he says things. He's like a really emotionally in touch version of John Richardson. (actually, ANYONE who's in touch emotionally AT ALL is more emotionally in touch than John.) But yeah, he's cool. Like a more rockin version of Ben Folds.

What was good about this weekend? I'll lay it out for you. I got to see Simeon. That was absolutely the best part of the weekend. Word. And I got to see my nephew and niece. They are so cute and I resent like hell the fact that I'm missing watching them grow up. They get bigger and smarter and all kinds of things every time I see them. I got to see my brothers and my sister (who somehow knew automatically what happened Friday... she has some weird sixth sense). I really like my older brother in general. Zane of course is in that dumb rebellious stage and he can be annoying when he's around my parents. But when just he and I talk, he's cool. And my sister is silly but sincere. I take her for granted, I know I do. She's great. I got to see my parents. And we didn't fight. That was the big thing. No fights. Hopefully that'll make my mom feel better. She was sad last week cause we fought. I miss her more than I ever realized. Just sitting with her or going shopping. You don't recognize that when it's happening. I got to see my grandparents who are some of the coolest people ever. That was cool. I got my hair cut. It's fun. Swishy and stuff. And I got to talk to Koye late into the night. Why am I doing this? I think it's preparation for tonight when I'll say in blatant self-pity "Why doesn't anything good ever happen to me? Blahblahblah, pitypitypity, waa." So now I know that's not true. Great things happen to me. One bad thing doesn't cancel those out.

Yep. This is long and I fear AOL will kick me off soon... stupid AOL. I'm gonna go now. I love you and I'll be back in a few weeks...
I am currently Refreshed
I am listening to "Lizzy" by Ben Kweller

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