wellwaawaai'mthreewon'tyoureadmypoetry
01/07/2003 08:44 p.m.
It's funny to me to see how much of a baby an 18 year old boy can be. I don't know. It's just funny. Makes me laugh.

A lot.

So I just thought that was important. Ashley and I sat here reading all up on pathetic and just laughing. Heartily. And Heather's in my Myth class. That was such a fun thing to find out. So when I came back to Brannen and the lab (after cute Chris with the curly hair said "bless you" and "hi" to me... mmm...) the three of us (um, to clarify - me, Ash, Heather) sat and giggled at poems and journal entries and things. Heehee.

I want the internet in my room. Please? Thanks.

Aaaaand... I'm going to miss myself a Jared Dawson. I am glad to be away from Bob, but I'll miss him A LOT. A LOT!

I wonder if Ash fed Eric?? Hmmm...?

More giggling. It's fun. All we do here at GA Southern is sqeal, giggle and cry. I like it.

Ashley's teacher looks like a porn star. Heh. :)

See you later.
I am currently Bemused
I am listening to Heather and Ash converse

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ohmywordfishnamedEric
01/07/2003 12:26 a.m.
We just got back from a little Wal/Kmart trip. Lots of fun. We got a fish! A beta fish! He's red. His name is Eric. We told Eric Dodson we were going to get a fish and name it after him. So we did! I'm so happy!

And I got a king-sized Kit Kat... me... when I get money... it's not pretty. I buy everything. It's fun.

First day of classes today. It was neat. Intro to Psych. That was really enjoyable. English notsomuch. But not horrible.

I've been told I MUST post NOW so Ashley can read it. Not that it's anything she hasn't heard. Ah well.

I adore myself a Tommy, by the way. Wow, he's the best. Mmmm.

Goodnight.

Time to phone Eric (the guy, not the fish) and tell him to come meet Eric (the fish, not the guy) and watch "Joe Bachelor" :) with us. Woohoo!
I am currently Happy
I am listening to random boys talking in the lounge

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GA Southern
01/05/2003 09:29 p.m.
I'm there. Here, acutally.

I don't really have anything to say except that I took a totally unnecessary but nice walk around campus looking for Brannen Hall. I'm SO bad with directions, it's not even funny.

I need to call a boy. Yes, yes, I do. I miss him.

I get to go to Homecoming. There's a Strassburger going to take me. Woohoo!

Now I must go. I don't know why. But it feels like there's something I should be doing.
I am currently Nostalgic
I am listening to loud football in the next room

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not an explanation... yeah.
01/02/2003 04:58 a.m.
This is it. What it comes down to. It's not about specifics. It actually has nothing to do with him. I talked to my mom this morning and we cried together. I'd been wondering when the tears would come and they came today. She sat there and just let everything out. It was too similar to what she's dealing with. I knew when I used the phrase "sexless marriage" that she'd react strongly... not only because she wouldn't expect those words from me, but also because she's repulsed by the idea and has to live with it. A conclusion was reached, as is always the case with my mother. I deserve better. I deserve a guy who wants to "maul you in the kitchen when you're cooking dinner." I want what people generally want. The whole family thing. Husband and wife and kids... and that means sex. So it isn't really about him. It's about not settling. It's about not cutting off a part of me. And I don't care if he doesn't understand that. Or if other people don't. I understand it. And I don't owe anyone an explanation. So why am I typing this? Yeah, good question. I'm used to giving explanations. Anyway, the tears with me don't generally stop very easily. And I cried in front of him. I don't like doing that. But he was perfect. Just stroked my hair and held my hand and said things like "you know it'll all work out... don't cry... it's okay..." Things he wouldn't say before. I guess it was the seeing that did it. And then I cried with my dad. He knows when I'm sad. It's impressive, honestly. So I told him the whole story and he was perfect too. He said all the right, fatherly, protective things. In any case... this is just me putting it all out. If wanting to have sex with a life partner makes me a prostitute then set me on a corner in some fishnets. I'd like to compromise with him. I want his friendship. I love him. But I'm not going to stop being me for him. No one gets to ask that of me.
I am currently Indifferent
I am listening to "Sweet Sangria" by Tori Amos

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tomorrow
12/28/2002 12:14 a.m.
"Behind crystalline irises the loons can dive where the world bleeds white..." Isn't Tori Amos the best? What other person could write something like that? It's all about the Carbon. What a lovely song. It sums my life at this point. In a way. But it leaves an opening. What do you really want to happen now? That's the big question. And I have no idea. Yes, I should make a definitive choice in many areas, actually. But it's easier to put that off. I need to know what I'm going to do with my school, career, friendship and romantic relationships. I have pretty much none of that decided. Everything is up in the air right now. Which is kind of funny since Tommy will actually BE up in the air tomorrow. Yep, the waiting will soon be over. And I'm terrified. Really scared. But so happy. I just hope things go well. I know they will. (I think that was one of those mantra things that if you say a bunch of times might come true...? What is that...? Affirmations? Yeah, I think so.) But yes. Tommy. He's coming to see me. And I'm happy. That's all.

Decisions can wait. I'm happy. The end.

I am currently Anxious
I am listening to "Crazy" by Tori Amos

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I'm scared...
12/24/2002 05:42 p.m.
I just posted a poem and I'm not so sure what the reaction's going to be. For some reason sex has been the topic du jour and I write about what's happening with me mentally. I don't know... I don't happen to think there's anything wrong with a poem like I wrote but I'm not sure how my friends on the site'll take it. Hopefully they'll understand. If not, I'll kick them. Joking. :)

Listen to Scarlet's Walk... the new Tori Amos CD. She's the absolute best. Definitely. Sweet Sangria. It's a good song.

I have to go. It's Christmas Eve day! Happy Holidays, kids.
I am currently Insecure
I am listening to Scarlet's Walk by Tori Amos

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confusion
12/22/2002 02:20 a.m.
I hate those situations where your decisions prove who you are. When your faith is called into question and you have to figure out what you're going to do. I'm afraid of a situation like that presenting itself to me. Soon or not-so-soon. Either way, it's not going to be easy. I mean, yes, I want to do what I'm supposed to do. Christianity is important to me. The most important thing. God. He's number one. That is the way it should be. But you get into these moments where you wonder why something is wrong or right. Those moments are the ones when you end up making a wonderful choice or a huge mistake. Not always are they so obvious. But sometimes. And you know, I'm a person. I have impulses and feelings and things. Who's to draw the lines that have to be drawn? I'm a girl, so I'm basically the one who has to draw them. But what dictates where I draw it? Whose opinion should I listen to? Blegh. I'm just venting. I'll be done now. Promise.
I am currently Scattered
I am listening to "I Miss You" by Bjork

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he loves me?
12/20/2002 07:23 a.m.
He loves me. Um, he does. And I feel stupid for not knowing all these years. All these years that I've loved him. I thought he didn't care. At all. But he loves me. It was an odd moment at around one thirty to find out... he loves me. I couldn't breathe and I was crying really hard. It was the oddest thing. He loves me. It's about words, you know. Or lack thereof. I like words. I need words. I need someone to say "I love you" when he loves you. But he likes actions. Emotions maybe. The protection aspect that has always existed. He loves me. I guess that's really all I have to say. Also that I'm extremely sorry for the comment about throwing my love around and all that. I'm just dumb. You know what? He loves me. And I understand it all. Why we're just friends. Why that is certainly the best idea. Why he's not down with the new boy. I understand it all. And I'm sorry it took so long. Wow. He loves me. And I love him. Hm.
I am currently Devoted
I am listening to myself type and IM sounds via Tyler Ward

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"Mother" ... isn't Tori Amos perfect?
12/18/2002 06:11 a.m.
I've loved the song for as long as I've owned Little Earthquakes. It's just one of those things where I said "this is my life. maybe not now. but tomorrow. or yesterday. or a million years ago." and you get it. But I'm really getting it. I'm being thrown out of the nest and everyone's yelling for me to flap some wings or something. No one seems to realize how hard that is. "Somebody leave the light on, just in... just in case..." She knows. But Tori always knows. Little Earthquakes will always be THE Tori Amos CD. It's because it says everything. It says everything in every song. Especially "Mother." And there are things she says... lyrics you don't understand right away... that come to you throughout the years. And while I've always loved that song, it's just now becoming real to me. The parents, the nest, the boys... it's all coming to me now. My favorite line? "it's across the sky, and across my heart, and I cross my legs, oh my God" I never knew why. But I do now. It sums it all up. The sky, my heart, my legs, my God. And that's all I have when you get down to it. I can deal with that. And I have to. If I'm lucky, someone'll leave a light on for the dancing girl.
I am currently Passionate
I am listening to "Mother" by Tori Amos... how appropriate

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thingsIguess
12/17/2002 07:06 a.m.
The last entry was a statement. Just to put it out there. To say yeah, a lot's going on and this is what I think. Take it or leave it.

Love is important. I'm afraid of love. I told Koye that if John ever said "I love you" that I'd kick him. I never had to worry about that, though. He was smart enough to realize that. But love is important. And scary. It's taking your whole life and putting it over this cliff and then just waiting to see what happens. Maybe it isn't always that way... but it seems to be that way for me.

I like silver eyeshadow. Carly, my roommate's friend, wore it a lot. And it's a nice thing cause no matter what color your eyes are, it looks good. That's nice cause I have a weird, indefinite eye color.

My dad hates celery but it's one of the few healthy-type-food-things I enjoy. I'm not sure why you need to know that.

Christmas doesn't feel like Christmas this year. My life feels like a permanent vacation. Georgia doesn't feel like home and heaven knows South Carolina doesn’t feel like home. So I feel like every room I'm in is a hotel room. What does this mean about "home" as a concept? Will I ever feel like I'm home again?

I painted my toes today. Not as cool as "I dyed my hair red today" but not too shabby. It's this crazy shade of red that you KNOW could only have come from MY mother. I don't often paint my toenails so it looks really nice. I’m all girly and "did up." Why? Heck, I don't know. Boys, I guess. Isn't that always the way? Dumb boys.

And I think that's all I have to say. Besides the fact that my Scarlet's Walk CD is in my dad's car. I keep forgetting to get it out. I'm silly. And now it's 2 in the morning and I'm going to bed.

I am currently Insecure
I am listening to the news... mmm...

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