boys and stuff
10/26/2002 10:35 p.m.
I'm back. I honestly have nothing new to say. But I find that's something I do. I keep coming back for more even when I have nothing more to get. Yep. I posted a poem. Do you want me to be honest? (well, KOYE doesn't - "if you love enough, you lie a lot") But I value honesty. Even if someone is horrible and tactless and yucky, honesty makes up for all of that. I think. I'd rather have someone who loves me say "You really need to rethink those neon yellow stretch pants" as opposed to "Ummmm, yeah, you look... nice?" You know? I just need honesty. So here I am, gonna be honest about the poem. I wrote it in reference to Tommy, but it's really about every boy I know. It seems. Boys do that all the time. They say things - dishonest things. And then you're all nuts going "Was he being sincere??" It's a mad crazy cycle. I have another poem to post. It's also about Tommy. It's along the same vein as the other one, but a bit more... I don't know... conversational, I guess. I expressed my anger towards him within a very short time period and then experienced this weird natural high. And then the poems came. Out of nowhere, really. I knew afterwards what that "natural high" was... denial. Yep. I said "Who cares if he and GrapeNuts get back together? Nothing'll change. All will be the same. Blahblahblah..." And I was just being silly and denial-icious. I'm not really angry with him anymore. Well, this is, of course, Saturday. He comes back from Virginia (and Dunkin Donuts) Sunday. Which means tomorrow could VERY well be a renewal of my hatred. I wouldn't doubt it, actually. Simeon is going to a "show" tonight :) ... he's lucky. He's also a sappy cute emo kid and HE KNOWS IT. :) And now every member of my family is calling me to the kitchen for this thing...? Dinner or something? Yeah, I'll go now.

Check the Mood! I'm Donnie Dark/co! (I really need to figure out that spelling...)
I am currently Schizophrenic
I am listening to RELATIVES making food and talking and stuff

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rambling and perhaps a story
10/26/2002 08:31 p.m.
I'm home... mmmmm... it's nice to be home. Of course, it doesn't sincerely feel like home since Koye's not here, but I'm making do. I got to see my dearest Simeon last night and that brought me immeasurable joy. He's the best. And we watched Donnie Darko... is that "Darco" or "Darko"? I can't remember. Oh well. It was creepy but really interesting. And check the Mood box, kids. CLEVER! Yep. The children and the flowers are my sisters and my brothers. John Denver said so. That was random, I know. Sorry. I think I'm going to tack a conversation/story thing on the end of this cause Koye's been bugging me to let him read them. I may post a poem or two... it's time to get rid of that "new" beside the green and brown poem. So silly... a poem about OB. Tommy's in Virginia right now. I keep mentally tracking him. Like, I'll look at my watch and go "Hmmm, 2:00 PM, he might be getting ready for the wedding right now." It's silly, but I'M silly so it makes sense. OH! I got a haircut today. My hair was almost down to my waist and IMPOSSIBLE to dry every morning before my stupid 8:00 AM Greek class! So yeah, talked mom into letting me cut it. It's a little longer than shoulder length and mad layered. :) Mad... yep. Anyway, I think I'll get to putting this story brother up here. I'll most likely post randomly 'til I head back to prison, so watch for that!



"So how are you?" It’s a fairly normal question but coming from her it sounded deadly.

"I’m fine. When did you get here?" I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer. I wasn’t sure there was an answer.

"He’s not so great. Honestly, like there aren’t a million other fucking men in this world." I’d never seen a cigarette like the one she was smoking, and the writing, tiny as it was, looked foreign.

"I know there are others," I sighed deeply, descending from my chair to the floor; she stood across from me, looking down, "but he’s, you know, current. He’s what’s happening right now." It sounded so harsh. It made me look bad.

"My my my," she began, a devious smile curling across her lips, "who’s the shallow silly girl now, Miss Holier Than Thou?" She flicked ashes onto the floor and I stared at them worriedly. They were still smoldering and the carpet was turning black. "Geez, Smokey. Sorry. What are you? The Crying Indian?" she said, calming the cinders with a chunky black boot. I wondered silently where she shoe shopped.

"I’m not shallow." I was offended.

"Mmm, sure. No, not at all," she said rolling her eyes. "Anyway, why is it that you think you’re becoming what you’ve always hated?" She said it as if the question where as normal as asking the time.

"Because I’m being goofy about boys."

"But why?"

"I don’t know."

"Sure you do."

"If I did, I’d tell you."

"You’re lying." Then she began to hum a tune I didn’t recognize.

"I... I don’t know... cause I’m lost here? Cause I have nothing to cling to but the attention of boys hundreds of miles away?" I pulled a loose thread in the carpet and plead with myself not to get emotional.

"Mm-hmm." She handed me a cigarette. I took it, breathed in and sighed, my lungs a bit blacker, my life a few minutes shorter.

"So what’s you’re point? There’s a point right?”

"There’s always a point. I just thought you might be quick enough to catch it on your own." She laughed a bit and looked at me quizzically. I could differentiate between the pupils and irises of her eyes – they were all black.

"So out with it, Jezebel."

She laughed slightly and stared dreamily for a moment. Then she appeared to wake up. "Mmmmkay. You," she pointed her cigarette at me, "are being lazy. You think you’re so responsible with your classes and your homework and keeping things clean and doing your community service. You’re lazy emotionally. You go all day holding back any emotion you might feel until you get a phone and are ameliorated by any number of your harem."

"They’re not my harem."

"Then why do you treat them that way? You act like a fucking Muslim inciting jealousy among his harem. They’re not your whores, you know."

"I know that!" I was angry.

"So stop screwing them whenever and however you feel like it." There were tears in my eyes and my face was burning... mostly because I knew she had a point.

"Okay... okay. You’re right," I managed to say.

"I don’t blame it all on you. These," she looked around suspiciously, "are some bad situations. The people you love most are nowhere near you and you don’t even have music to make it better. But I know you can handle this better. You can." She reached her hand down to help me up.

"Thanks."

"No problem. I’m outta here," she said making a face of disgust, "so I’ll see ya later." She cheerily skipped away. I wiped tears from my face and went back to my homework.

I am currently Clever
I am listening to Talula (Tornado Mix) by Tori Amos

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badbadangeringpoetrysites
10/13/2002 03:32 p.m.
Last time I was home I posted two journal entries and they never showed up on my journal page. They're just floating around out there somewhere. That's depressing. You know how poems and prose are children... it's like cutting your kid's space cord. It's weird. I'm home again, anyway. And I got to see some school kids and that was cool. Got to talk to Ian a bit and that made me way happy. And I got to see Mr. Sherman who I've missed greatly for some reason. He's so cool. And I got to spend quality time with Simeon, who is one of the most amazing wonderful people I've ever known. How's that for an unnecessary ego boost? :) Just kiddin'. I had a weekend full of tears, other than that. I argued with my parents about college, got paranoid that Koye was replacing me and all kinds of other stupid crap. I hate college and all the things that go with it. That Koye... another one of the most amazing wonderful people I know. And how come people can't understand that friendships ARE IMPORTANT? Does no one get that? Dang. So there you go. This journal entry was jumbled and silly but that's okay cause there's no guarentee it won't be dropped on some empty planet in a different galaxy instead of MY WEB PAGE. Oh, pathetic... INDEED... PATHETIC. So there you are. I'm going to go now cause Dawsons will be arriving shortly and we'll make our journey back to hell. Ugh, where's Orpheus when you need him??
I am currently Devoted
I am listening to "Annie's Song" by John Denver (stop laughing, he's cool)

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so many journal entries
09/08/2002 01:44 a.m.
I sort of lost it today. The relatives, the being home, the going back tomorrow... it brought everything crashing. And I called Koye crying. I don't usually do that - call people when I'm that emotional - but it was the right thing since Koye cheered me up. So the mantra (aside from the quote from Pagan Poetry) is "it's just one year, one year, just one year." And then I'll be free from hasty promises. And all I'll need then is about a million dollars and I can go to Loyola and all will be repaired. So there you go. It's almost time to leave and it'll be a few weeks at least before I sign on again so if you need me, email me (emyer829@students.bju.edu) and we'll talk. 'Til next time.
I am currently Bleh
I am listening to my mom watching Sabrina on TV

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I wish they all could be California boys...
09/07/2002 06:28 p.m.
Ah yes, Sizzle. I forgot to mention him. I'm not supposed to call him that. He's just Brent to me. That's okay cause I have Biology with him and the studly guy (Siz' words, not mine) sits in front of me. So there you go. He's very much a California boy; he's just like a cousin to me. I also neglected to mention Chris, who apparently is greatly fond of my voice for some reason. Ah well. Boys are so dumb sometimes. I have relatives (actually, they have me) so you can guess how happy today is... I got new shoes so that makes up for it a bit. I'm calling Koye and Tommy tonight and that is always a glimmer of sunshine on a day that rains cousins and uncles. They got my letters yesterday! I love the postal service. I forgot how cool it is. They better be composing responses with every free moment :) And Ashley's roommate is a punk. That is so cool. And Santa know all. Also cool. I'm going to go now before the "antisocial" label my family has glued to me becomes an actual part of my skin. Love and hugs and giggles and other craziness to my "pathetic" pals.
I am currently Dorky
I am listening to incessant screaming, crying and giggling of babies

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: )
09/07/2002 01:34 a.m.
Hi Tyler... haven't talked to Tyler in a while.

CJ too... I miss CJ :)

Anyway. On to the journal entry.

I'm home so I'm feeling really good. But when I saw that mood... ahhh, witty... :) I just had to use it! Why you might ask? Tommy Witty,of course. He should be reading my poetry. Right now. But oh well. It might be nice to explain why I haven't really been posting (for those who don't know). Well, you know, it's college. And a college that blocks this site for "profanity" ... I could not be more annoyed. So this is one of those rare moments where I'm normal (ha) and at home and have access to this site. I suppose I should use this opportunity to say "Hi" and "Love you" to all the people that deserve it. So hi, love you. You know who you are :) Hopefully I'll write more before the next time I come home so I can post. I've only written maybe two poems since I've been at school, so I won't even bother. I suppose that's all - don't want to bore you with little details. In conclusion, I love myself a Jonna Dawson, as well a Simeon Spearman, of course Koye Berry, also Jared Dawson (but he can't read this anyway... college...) and OBVIOUSLY - Tommy whoshouldbereadingmypoemsrightnow (tangerine, by the way) :) Okay, I'm done being crazy now. I'll talk to you soon... DEFINITELY send me emails at Emyer829@students.bju.edu ... I will love you for it. I promise.
I am currently Witty
I am listening to all the media I can get my hands on

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I don't want to go
08/23/2002 10:22 p.m.
Apparently I should be downstairs right now, visiting with family I won't be seeing for a while. It seems unimportant at this time. I love my family so much, please don't get me wrong. I have the best parents, the best grandparents and (though I may not act like it all the time) the best siblings. I couldn't have chosen a better family. But I can't keep my thoughts from being with my friends. I have to start with John because that's what current. I don't suppose I expected a response from him, but one would have been nice. This just basically sealed the deal. It made me realize that - hey, it's over. Done. No more worrying. So I'm sincerely not upset about that. What I AM upset about, is the leaving of the real friends. I don't consider myself to be a good friend. When browsing my track record when it comes to friendship, you can see it's not great. Bad, even. And people don't want to put up with that. Why should they? I wouldn't. And then along comes someone who can surpass even your own tolerance for yourself. Someone who sees past the petty annoyances :) and stays. Obviously I'm talking about Koye. I have no idea how I would have survived this long without Koye. No one could ever EVER replace him. The fights, the problems, they're nothing. They're totally unimportant and minute. Forgotten. No person could come close to being what he's been for me. And now there's this whole scheduling conflict where we're hundreds of miles apart. All I can really think about that is thank God we have some good technology. But it will be SO different. Koye, and by extension the telephone, have been a set part of my day all year long. And now, that's being taken away. That sucks. We have to rely on email and phone cards for that once-a-week call. And that'll have to be enough. Let me say, it'll never be enough. Whoever designed the way school works had to be a sadist. Let's throw you in here for ten years with people you'll grow to love and admire and then once you're done, rip you away from them violently and without much thought. So this is it. Being ripped apart. It's more physically painful than I'd expected. My stomach has been in knots since Monday. It's not getting any better. So I just want you all to know - Koye, Jonna, Simeon, Jared, you kids who see this "pathetic" thing - I love you. You've been the world to be and will continue to be. You probably have no idea how much I hate having to go away or how much I'll think of you when I do. I need address, both home and email, so I can send things. Like, I don't know, napkins with runny ink or something nicked from the dating parlor or a pretty rock or a card that says "meet at thirteen o'clock under the tree that grows hearts and raspberries" ... things like that. I don't want to go. I think I've said that sentence more than any other this week. I don't want to go. I want to stay and work at a dead-end job and be a bum and just hang all day. I don't want to go. And now, ironically, I have to go. It's dinner time and the chickens are all cooked and I have to go feast upon them. Did I mention that I don't want to go?
I am currently Overwhelmed
I am listening to the extremely loud whirring of a fan

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you know
08/19/2002 06:06 a.m.
Apparently it’s possible to come to a point in time where there is nothing left to be said. The day as wrong, nothing happened, you felt nothing. A day like today where I didn’t even seem to exist. I’ve been watching the movie Dogma a lot lately just because I’m feeling so up-in-arms about faith. Through all of this, the silliness and the anger and lack of hope, I’m turning to really stupid and flimsy things. Like having a crush on Jason Mewes (you know, Jay of Jay and Silent Bob). He’s cute. Isn’t that sad? I mean, not because he’s not cute (cause he is), but because this is what I’m allowing my last days of childhood to be all about. Things are going to end. Change. And all I’m thinking about ... boys. Maybe it’s the only thing I can control. I don’t know. And poems from me are sucking lately. Hopefully that’ll correct itself. All in all, I’m not looking forward to that “Mood” box. Cause I’m really stumped. I’m not mad anymore. My logic and hope for all people to end up with bright futures and such has won out here. I gave up that feeling. It was pointless. I can't change things and do I even want to? Change might be for the better in this instance. Who knows. And I'm certainly not in love. My sadness about John grows every day and the more it grows, the more I pretend it's not there at all. Maybe eventually it'll be totally gone. That'd be nice. And I'm DEFINITELY not happy. College is coming and I'll have to be an adult. And live with a bunch of girls (that "I'm your roommate, not your best friend; find someone else to braid your hair" speech replays over and over in my mind, Koye). :) Well, my mom will surely hear the typing and then the whoopings'll begin like it ain't no thang. Wow, way too much Dogma. It's a good movie, see it. Really. Jason Mewes. MMmmmm. Okay, honestly, good night.
I am currently Jumbled
I am listening to myself typing

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School, poems and almostdeath
08/13/2002 12:04 a.m.
I think it might be true that Koye and I are the only silly seniors not moving on. Well, honestly, we are moving on. We have plans and things to take care of, etc. but we seem to be the only two people who woke up this morning and said "School is starting today, but not for me. And that sucks." I don't understand people who are happy to be away. I most definitely am not. I should smack Koye for that mention of their having lunch. That has to be the most depressing thing ever. I had a baby today. That didn't sound right. I was in possession of a baby today. So there wasn't any time to mope and be nuts. And that makes me mad. And angry. Both fuming and crazy. It works. But in thinking about this whole lunch thing, I'm sincerely glad I wasn't present in spirit or something like that. I don't want to know what they talked about or what they laughed about. Mostly because, if they didn't mention the fact that two members of their usual lunch party were missing, I would be crushed. It's best not to know these things. Other than that, Koye yelled at me last night for writing of all things. :) They're posted. And like, adopted as opposed to being birthed from me, you know? It's all about the music with these poems. They're a whole new thing. I hope the other poems won't look down on them for it. Hopefully they'll let them join in all the reindeer games and all that. You know. I think I lost something. A part of my brain or my heart or soul or being or something. The end of high school is a kind of almostdeath. I'll leave you with that.
I am currently Alienated
I am listening to "Losing My Religion" as covered by Tori Amos

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anger
08/08/2002 12:04 a.m.
My boyfriend is online. My ex-boyfriend. Whatever. I can see his silly little screen name on my silly little screen name viewer thing. It's the first time I've seen him in months. I know I'm not actually seeing him. But he's alive. I know he's not dead, at least. I'm not sure whether that makes me happy or sad, but it sure as heck makes me angry. It would be easier for me if he weren't alive. Then I could go "Ahhh, he loved me along!! I was wrong to think he was drifting." Wouldn't that be romantic? Well, life's not that way. He's probably just as spastic and crazy and upbeat as he ever was (which wasn’t SO terribly much, but it was there, you know). I've written about twelve different things today that I may eventually post. But not now. I'm too annoyed. And angry. And violent, as per my mood. And apparently Koye's depressed and I couldn't get a hold of him. Things are not going well, you see. I'm pissed and I just need to forget that John exists. So I'm gonna go now and pretend I never saw him online. The end.
I am currently Violent
I am listening to a string tribute to Bjork (Bob Jones-friendly Bjork) : )

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