been a while
02/05/2003 12:54 a.m.
It's xanga's fault. Been going crazy there. Mostly with pictures, however. Yeah...

There really isn't too much to write about. Other than the fact that I'm not going to be able to go to Baltimore for Spring Break. It's really the best thing, but it's hard. I want to see Tommy so badly. My parents were just really not fond of the idea of me flying to a city I've never been to and staying in a hotel without any adult-type person present to be responsible. Yes, yes, I AM 18. An adult. But apprently my parents don't really get that. But it wasn't a bad conversation with my dad... he said it'd be okay if I spent more than a week in Virginia when I hopefully go this summer... we still have details to work out there. And he also said I could have Tommy down again near the end of the summer. Joy! So I'm really not so terribly upset about it. Yes, indeed, May is very, very far from now... :( but we'll have more time than if I were to come up for Spring Break. So it's a mixed thing.

Is that my only news article? Might be... Ah yes, Ashley hurt her knee. She's all confined to crutches and everything. It's sad stuff. But she gets to park anywhere she wants! So yeah, it's all about the mixed blessings. :) I hope it starts to feel better soon! Poor gal.

I suppose that's all... I'll now return to waiting by my PO box for a stuffed bear... the cutest (and yummiest-smelling) one ever. Yep...
I am currently Nerdy
I am listening to "Green Eyes" by Coldplay

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goodbye to Elder Cutie...
02/02/2003 07:15 p.m.
So Ash comes in from church this afternoon and goes, "Well, Elder Labrecque is gone. Elder Borland is gone. They got transferred." I was... I don't even know. Sad? Upset? Confused? Something like that. Elder Cutie. He's gone. I just... that makes me sad. He liked my pink fuzzy slippers. And Zaxby's. He always gets the wings 'n' things. He thinks my mom's a "cool lady." And now he's gone. That's it. Elder Labrecque... awwww. The sadness of it all. I only met Elder Borland twice, but he was extremely funny. So yeah, this whole... "mission" thing... it's all very sad. There is just SO much to be upset about. I couldn't handle being very involved with the missionaries. I mean, even to the extent that I knew them, and that's not very well, I'm still sad that Elder Labrecque got transferred. Ashley was sort of nonchalant about it, but she knew him longer than I did. I don't know how I'd take that. Blah. It's just sad. Mmmm...
I am currently Sad
I am listening to snowboarding?? Ashley's got the remote

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too much emotional stuff
01/31/2003 04:02 p.m.
It's everywhere. It's haunting me. I hurt people. I'm telling you. I don't mean to. There has never been an instance where I've set out to hurt someone. It happens anyway.

So I don't know. A bunch of weird stuff's been going on. Things have gotten so crazy since college. Nothing's the same. And I'm really seeing how one decision can change your whole life. What if I hadn't gone to Bob Jones for a semester? Oddly enough, that's become the big, scary question. I'm thankful I went to Bob Jones. Thankful. Without it, I don't think Tommy and I would have been the same. Which, at least in my mind, is quite a scary thing. On the other hand, maybe Koye and I would be better. And that's a big thing on its own. I don't know. It's not smart to think these "what if?" questions. Cause the truth is, I did go to Bob Jones and I am dating Tommy and Koye and I aren't as good as we could have been. Those are things that - as much as I may want to... or not want to... either way - I can't change.

And I'm not huge on wanting to go back in time and change things. Even if they would work out for the better. I don't know.

Lots of HTML in this entry. That's odd. I'm silly. Ignore me.

I have English at 1 (I know for sure this time!) and I'll have to deal with catching up on whatever I missed at lab. Not looking forward to that.

So as not to make you think EVERYTHING is bad, I just took my first psychology test and scorched it. I did SO well on that thing. At least, I think I did. It felt good. And yesterday I did amazing things on my mythology test. So, yeah, so far I'm not feeling the pressure grade-wise. Just pressure from class attendance. :)

I'm going to go now. Why? Cause I can't think of anything else to say. Sounds like a good reason to me.
I am currently Tired
I am listening to the chik-fil-a girls yelling out numbers

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xanga
01/29/2003 10:14 p.m.
I like it. It's an interesting site. Lots of fun.

Nothing to tell... just happily listening to my new Under the Pink. I had to buy it again cause I lost my other copy. It was nearly 9 years old anyway. So there you go.

I missed a class today. Talk about guilt. I felt so dumb. I was sure my English lab started at 1 ... so I get there at one and look in and everyone's settled and doing things. So I got out my planner dealy thing and it says "English Lab * Newton 2210 * 12:00-1:40" Yeah, I missed the whole first hour of the lab. And you can't walk into a class an hour late. So I didn't. I came back to the dorm and freaked out a little. Tried to call my mom and tell her the story... I knew she'd say it was okay and to chill... but I couldn't get a hold of her. So I just pouted a little.

And then used my extra time to study for my massive mythology test tomorrow. Egypt and Mesopotamia. Woohoo. Norse doesn't start until the end of the semester. That saddens me. I love me some Norse mythology.

I'm going to go do something... maybe. Dinner? We'll see. Tommy said he knew of diner just down the street that serves delicious boy souls. I might check that out. :)
I am currently Jumbled
I am listening to "Cornflake Girl" by Tori Amos

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maybe it's better?
01/28/2003 11:53 p.m.
I was yucky. Feeling not good. I had read a poem called "Laura" ... and one called "Gone" ... they depressed me. And I moped. And posted a journal entry.

Then I realized ... hey, dork, did you not write like forty poems about John? Yeah, yeah, I did. So I read them. And read the things that I'd said. Statements I'd made. Found myself guilty of that "poet promise" stuff Koye and I are so offended by. And I realized that all those things... they don't apply anymore. John isn't an issue for me at all. And even if I think of him, it's never in way that denies my feelings for Tommy. Or shadows them, or dwarfs them. None of that. Things that happened with me and John have nothing to do with things that are happening with me and Tommy. Why shouldn't it work the other way around? So I think I have a grip. I think so.

He wuvs me. He told me so. I'm not worried. I'm okay.

*deep breath*

I'm such a girl.

Sorry.
I am currently Loved
I am listening to Ashley on the phone with Camille

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yeah, I know
01/28/2003 11:27 p.m.
I know that I was in a relationship not long before he and I ... whatever ... got to know each other. But I was away from it. Totally. He wasn't. I was standing there, waiting for news about this girl. I was standing in freaking line. Waiting. So it doesn't work out with them. Then what? Call my number? Come on, Emily, it's your turn. Step on up. I'm free of her now, sort of. So let's see about us. I don't know. Why am I choosing now to be offended by this? I have no idea. It never hurt me before. Or maybe it did. I'm stupid. I expect that boys I date be new to this. And I come across a boy who has experience - more than I do - and I can't handle that. Even though I've gone through all kinds of crap with boys before him. And I'm still dealing with the after effects of some of that stuff. But somehow, I'm reminded of the fact that there were girls before me and I just can't handle that.

I'm being silly and paranoid and there's really nothing I could do anyway. He could still be in love with her and there wouldn't be a damn thing I could do to change that. So why am I even bothering to be upset? I don't know. I'm a girl.

I need dinner. Does anyone know a place that serves the souls of boys?
I am currently Insecure
I am listening to "Spark" by Tori Amos

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(you can't take) more of nothing
01/28/2003 04:51 p.m.
I'm not sure what I'm going to be talking about here. I don't have anything to say. Isn't that always the way? Hey, Masochist foreword. I put it on up here. I've begged Koye since he started writing it to post it in his journal so people can partake, but he won't. Maybe eventually? It's very enjoyable. A fav. Yep.

Rejoice - internet in my room. I know I already announced that, but it's so great, I'd like to point it out again. Yay.

I swear, there will certainly be more posting later. Why? Because it'll be so easy to access from my computer! :) Woohoo.

I hate distance, by the way. Hatehatehate. That's something substantial for this journal entry. I hate being so far away. Hate it.

Would anyone care to lend me some money to fly to Baltimore? I'll love you forever. Yes I will.
I am currently Lovesick
I am listening to boys being silly... as usual

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The Masochist Foreword
01/27/2003 11:50 p.m.
I'm not sure I ever posted this and it's really all about Koye. Hm. If you'd like to know more about this allusive "Koye," read Angel Esclave's work. Believe me. And ask no questions. This is written as if the book is done; it's not as far as I know, but let's pretend, shall we?

***

I have never thought forewords to be a necessary entity. In all honesty, most people either hurriedly read through them or ignore them completely. I know this because I am one of those people. And, once again, honestly, this book does not need a foreword. My writing one in no way implies incompleteness on Koye’s part. And yet, here I am, writing a foreword. And I feel it’s necessary. The motivation to write this stems from a desire to praise a writer I have always admired and who probably influenced me more than any other. That person just happens to be a boy I played on the playground with when I was seven. I was the princess; the long light brown hair making me the most suitable actress, I presume. And Koye was my defender. And really, that’s how we’ve stayed. He had his stories even then, and I had mine; it was probably one of the things that brought us together. I have started many stories and have never finished any. That is what separates my writing from Koye’s. In the beginning Koye had the same problem. But when he began writing The Masochist I knew what it was. I told him as soon as I read the first chapter that I thought it was his best yet and I knew he’d finish it. Reading through various drafts of the first few chapters, I had an extremely vivid image of the characters and the story in general. It’s one of those novels you may hesitate to file under fiction because it’s obvious that somewhere at some point the story actually did take place.

So even when the story wasn’t nonfiction, it seemed as if it should be. What I mean by that is, intentionally or not, The Masochist began as fiction and became our lives. Perhaps Koye didn’t begin with us in mind, but he did at some point recognize the parallels. Throughout the years spent writing the book, Koye would turn to me at various times and say, “You are so Angel!” (These were usually moments I was angry with a boy, or a girl in my way of a boy.) And he ended up being both Lori and Kyle. As I understand it, the similarities to Kyle were indeed intentional. I begged and pleaded and eventually forced the Lori character on him. Not that he could really escape her anyway; they have so much in common. As much as Koye is the illogical, crazy one, he’s oftentimes the rational, calm one. And I’m not saying here that I’m just like Angel or Koye is just like Kyle. Writing always takes things further than their usual destinations. It wouldn’t be fun if it didn’t. But the likeness is undeniable.

With every step of the writing process, The Masochist became more and more similar to what was happening in our own lives. I had my Samantha. I’m fairly certain every girl does. Koye is one of the few male writers to recognize, understand and accurately portray female competition, a subject on which we’ve spent more than our fair share of time. Girls can band together or they can war, and usually they choose the second one. Taking all this into consideration, in dealing with this Samantha that my Raymond was hanging on to, I became desperate to the point of becoming Angel. I could write an essay just about Angel, but I’ll suffice to say that Angel is the girl all girls wish they could be. Even if they don’t desire to be obsessive compulsive, chain-smoking heartbreakers, they still want to be her. She says for us the things we can’t say for ourselves. For Koye and me, she was absolutely real. Angel became an idolized figure between us. We had various names for her, and, in Koye’s case, she often went unnamed. She showed up when we needed her. Usually. For Koye that was when he was irritated or disheartened. For me it was when I began to pity myself or when I was maudlin. She mostly served as a wake-up call to ourselves. And we became stronger because of her presence. In and of herself, Angel is weak, self-destructive and, not to be glib or flippant, a masochist. This book is about what happens when that woman isn’t tempered with Koye or me. And that is really the only difference between this book and our lives.

Koye’s approach to writing has always been one of necessity rather than one of pleasure. He doesn’t write for enjoyment. He writes because he has to in order to keep himself sane. This book was not a labor of love, but a labor of hope... the hope that one day we won’t have to “go through all this... to be safe up here with you.” The Masochist is a poignant declaration of sanity in an insane world, and it is almost impossible to file under fiction.

I am currently Nostalgic
I am listening to The Simpsons... the Mormon comment even :)

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myroommateisthegreatest
01/27/2003 11:13 p.m.
She went over and picked up my computer from Jackson over at the Marvin Pittman building. Wow. I was SO happy. And now I have the internet in my room. That brings me SO MUCH JOY. Yes it does.

Just thought you all should know. She's the best.

The end.
I am currently Awestruck
I am listening to Steve Harvey on TV

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nothing to say
01/27/2003 05:17 p.m.
But I'm saying it anyway. I have an English essay quiz at one. I'm not really prepared for it. Oh well. School is such a strange thing anyway. Thinking about college and going and finishing is one thing; actually doing it is completely different. Sitting in class is fine. Learning things keeps it in perspective. But sitting at a Chik-Fil-A talking about earning money and moving away and adult things... it really throws things off. I'm in such a weird middle stage. I want this to be over, to get a job, get married, have kids, start life. This doesn't feel like living. I don't know. Maybe I'm being whiny.

I went to mass yesterday. It was an experience. A very good one. Brian (with the coolest last name ever - Hutsebout) took me and Eric. I walked in and it felt right. It was this feeling in my whole body like I was really some place special. Like something completely sacred was about to take place and I was allowed to be present, even a little active in it. I think I'm going to call Brian today or tomorrow and see about going on a regular basis. Maybe I can get him to take me to the class things I'm fairly certain I'll have to attend. Seeing Ashley so involved in her church makes me miss regular attendance. I don't see it as "competition" or anything; she's just very motivating. In all ways, really, not just religiously. "Do you ever study?" :)

Sometimes.

Well, I need to look at my English at some point. Now would be a good time, I think. Yep.

I am currently Warm
I am listening to someone's phone ringing

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