I sing the wisdom that ordained the sun to rule the day...
02/20/2003 05:19 p.m.
I MISS hymns! Does that make sense? I MISS the Bob Jonesy hymns! Especially that one... "I sing the mighty power of God..." But that one's best when it's faster and you KNOW BJU wouldn't have that. Hymns are great when you're in a good mood or to put you in a good mood.

But that's not what this journal entry is about. I'm just in the mood for some congregational singing. :) Cause things are really good today. Everything's working out. I've been assured by pretty much everyone and that's feeling really nice.

Eric came by last night... I think because he thought I was upset about housing... which I was. He still doesn't know for sure where he's going to live, but Mark wants to live in Sanford so I think that's probably where he'll end up. That's where Charice is living too. That's a whole story in itself... suffice to say, various girls on my hall hate me because Eric's spending time with me instead of them. Charice being the main one. Trenda hates me too... I know it. So he's all "Why don't you know people on your hall?" And Trenda walks by and she's like "Charice is pissed at you. She left and said if you weren't coming to see her then she wasn't going to wait around to see you." Heavens. But anyway, back to housing. I told him I thought he'd forget about me over the summer and next year he wouldn't even think to come see me. He reassured me that wasn't going to happen... and hinted he'd come see me during the summer. Yeah... I doubt that. But whatever. I had a bad dream about him last night, but it was just a dream. The subconscious wanting out, I suppose.

And Tommy and I talked last night. It was great. Exactly what we were needing this week. I've been so out-of-whack emotionally that I was hoping the conversation would go well and it did! And he emailed me and left me a cute voicemail when I didn't call on time. Awww, what a sweetie. So, ya know, he's just... the greatest. Absolutely. Thought that should be made known. Didn't know boys could be so great... :) Oh, but this one... yes. *sigh*

So the week started out badly, but it's looking like it's shaping up to be a good weekend. I'm going home tomorrow and I'm REALLY looking forward to that. We're only staying til Saturday night, but that's better than nothing. I actually MISS my parents! :) And my brother... a bit. But I think I miss the babies most. They're the cutest! So yes, my voicemail is full of cuteness right now - a message from my niece, Reece (I know... it rhymes); a message from my nephew, David; and a message from my silly, sweet boyfriend. I love it. Wow.

I'm lucky. Well, it's approaching mythology time. Have a nice weekend, kids.
I am currently Better
I am listening to typing, silly!

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Eric
02/20/2003 12:18 a.m.
So I call Eric wondering where he's going to be living next semester. He says? He was going to live in Kennedy but since Brian's an RA in Sanford, he might be living there instead. So I tell him my deal. He seems stumped. Confused. He's quiet. I'm sitting there going "What's wrong? Talk to me... what's happening?" And there proceeds to be craziness for the next ten minutes involving his saying it'd be better for him to live in Sanford, my saying "You don't like me; You don't want to live near me," and Eric responding "I don't want you to get bored of me." Bored of him! Heavens! So I just kind of gave up and said "Ah, well, do what you want," and he said "What do you think I want?" and I said I didn't know and he said that he wanted me to be happy. "Well, I'd be happy if you lived near me." So he's going to talk to Mark (who's going to be his roommate next semester) and I suppose Mark'll be the deciding factor about where he ends up. I don't know. Honestly, I know I'm not going to stop seeing Eric if we don't live in the same building, but I want to know someone at Kennedy. Apparently Solomon's living in Kennedy... so that's something. Someone, rather. And now that I think of it, his point about getting bored of him does make sense but only in the respect that I'd see him so much we'd end up like brother and sister. Which, of course, I wouldn't mind. But he does. Yeah. So I don't know. I'll definitely be updating this one.
I am currently Restless

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urgh!
02/19/2003 09:19 p.m.
So today sucks. Koye and I got into a fight that I really wasn't in the mood for and didn't completely understand anyway. So he's mad at me now, I think.

And Tommy and I got in another stupid, pointless fight. Once again, my fault. It was completely silly and it was right before we both had to go so that made it even worse. I hope he really isn't upset anymore... he said he wasn't. Blah. I feel SO bad. I'm sorry, honey! I swear, no more of this randomness. I promise. Promisepromisepromise.

And then I make my way over to Watson to sign up for housing next semester and, since I've only been here this semester, I got like the very last choice of halls. I wanted to live in Sanford which is an apartment-type set up and it's right next to Brannen where I live now. But of course, I get there and it's already full. So I decided to go for Kennedy. It's good cause it's suites and I'll be sharing a bathroom with only four girls, but it's bad because it's way the hell on the other side of campus. Moving day is going to be a motherfucker. I'm going to cry. A lot. And who knows where Eric's going to live... geez! We were both going to try for Sanford so I wouldn't be totally alone in a new place. Well, we see how that worked out. It's okay though; I know he'll still visit even if he's not near Kennedy. We're not that close now and he still does. It just would have been nice to have him in the building.

Ahhh, so yes, today sucked. I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to Koye and Tommy and anyone else I may have offended by being a total ass today.

Maybe tomorrow'll be better? Look at me, Chris... I'm a happy Gemini. :)

I am SO insane right now. I need a break. It's DEFINITELY time for the Pickle Barrel. DEFINITELY.
I am currently Troubled
I am listening to some dumb Landrum music

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infradian body rhythms
02/19/2003 05:21 p.m.
I'm begging infradian body rhythms to just hurry up and do what they need to do. I'm feeling SO much pressure... like my body might explode. And besides that, I'm not sure I can handle anymore of the emotional stuff that comes along with this. I sincerely need to to apologize to Tommy for starting something EVERY NIGHT this week. I've been very not nice and I honestly do apologize. So something is really going to need to happen so I can stop going "oh, what do you mean by that?!" every five seconds. But, in true sitcom fashion, we cleared everything up before we had to go. Thank God I have such an understanding, sweet boyfriend. I don't even know if I could handle me, but he does and wonderfully so. What a boy...

Other than that... blegh. I thought I was going to be able to take a nap this afternoon, but I forgot I have to go participate in this psychology experiment. It really is worth it; a whole percentage point on my final grade. So yeah. But ALSO, I have to do this housing mess at 3:30. They give you this form and tell you what to do and when but not where for heaven's sake. I had to call up my RA and be all "I don't know what I'm doing..." She was cool about it, but still.

So I'm busier than I thought. Hate that. But I'm downloading lots of 80's music and that's always fun.

"you and I in a little toy shop buy a bag of balloons with the money we've got..."

I'm going to go make the best of a yucky day.
I am currently Tired
I am listening to "99 Red Balloons" by Nena

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stuff
02/18/2003 02:35 p.m.
I tried to post this last night but the site logged me out as I submitted it. Since it was in the 1 o'clock in the morning range and Ashley was already in bed, I decided to wait til today to repost.

Anyway, last night was full of talks. That kind of freaks me out, cause what if people get tired of talking? But it doesn't freak me out TOO much. :) Tommy and I had like... four serious talks in a row. Ouch. But it ended REALLY well and I'm feeling a LOT more comfortable with him and me and us and all that. The main talk was about (surprise, surprise) trust. And what I'm hoping at this point is to maintain this trust high I'm on right now. I said straight up "This isn't easy. Trust you means you could shoot me right now and I couldn't defend myself. This is me protecting myself." And he was perfect about it. He trusts me. I could shoot him right now and really hurt him but he knows from things I've said, things I do that I honestly care about him and wouldn't shoot him. That... I mean, really got to me cause I know I should be feeling the same. He's given me so many reasons to believe him. So I'm on an insane trust high right now. My brain keeps going "Oh! Look here, another reason you should trust him!" I'm loving it.

In the first journal entry, this paragraph was bigger than that one. They're going to be WAY reversed this morning. Koye and I had talks too, but they're having a less lasting effect. It was all about this Rachel girl. Ah, whatever. No hard feelings there... I'm over it. Just needed a good yell and got that out last night. I yelled at Koye for things as well and that's why I think I'm not still concerned about that whole conversation. I've said all I need to say.

So, generally a good morning for me. I'm going to go get some Chik-Fil-A and I might be back around noon. I'm a postin' fool!
I am currently Loved
I am listening to some CBS show

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I just really love Paul McCartney
02/16/2003 11:59 p.m.
Ahhh... When I'm 64.

So I'm feeling better. Thought I should update yet again. My sweetie emailed me and we talked twice today. It's never a problem when he's around, you know. It's just when he's off making another girl giggle. But you know what? I wrote a whole freaking xanga about making Mark laugh. So there ya go. Double standards flying all around my head.

But I'm better! Happy! He honestly is the sweetest. I just ignore that sometimes. I shouldn't - he deserves to be acknowledged as the sweetest. :)

I'm still downloading the heck out of kazaa... yeah. Shhh.

I'm going to go listen to some Beatles now... mmmmmm... :)
I am currently Lovesick
I am listening to "When I'm 64" by the Beatles

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well... update.
02/16/2003 04:51 p.m.
I went to bed last night extremely late and crying. I was pissed and sad and just... blah.

So I got into bed and picked up Sanders. Pretty instantly I felt better. Then I decided to go to higher power for this one. So I took advantage of some magnetized paws and prayed for a little while. During the course of this, I asked for the strenghth to trust Tommy... and God more. When I said that, it was sort of like "Oh yeah... right... I knew that. God's in control of this. What's supposed to happen is going to happen." It was just a really nice realization. So what I thought would be a yucky night of tossing and turning wasn't so bad.

I DID have a dream that freaked me out. All I remember is Koye saying he didn't love me anymore. I woke up sweaty (who is AIR CONDITIONING? I know it's February, but it's HOT here) and totally bummed, thinking it was actually happening. My word. Nightmare and a half.

So... hm. I'm less resolved than I'd like to be. But that has to do with timing, I think. Maybe eventually I'll feel better.

What's today? The 16th? That would explain it. Yep.
I am currently Blue
I am listening to "Foolish Games" by Jewel

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it's amazing...
02/16/2003 07:59 a.m.
It's amazing how quickly labored, sad breathing turns to careless song.

It's enough to make a girl suspicious.

Or at least to make her hide herself and her tears in the stairway.

I need my bear.

I need my boyfriend.

Who's needing me right now?
I am currently Needy
I am listening to "32 Flavors" by Ani DiFranco

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just... extreme sweetness
02/15/2003 09:10 p.m.
He hadn't emailed me and I was upset cause that means not a single piece of internet love on Valentine's Day. I'm silly that way. Closer to 4 o'clock I finally did get an email. It was definitely worth waiting for. Hope he doesn't mind that I brag and tell you what he said:

Well, Valentine's Day is over... we don't have to
suffer being apart through a hopelessly romantic
holiday anymore! At least... not until next Valentine's
Day...

Yeah. I... think I might cry. Maybe. Yeah. Wow. I mean, I just feel more lucky all the time that he's mine. That I'm his. Oddly enough, when I read the email, Underneath It All by No Doubt was playing and I said, my word, that is cool. Here are some lyrics:

There's times where I want something more
Someone more like me
There's times when this dress rehearsal
Seems incomplete
But you see the colors in me like no one else
And behind your dark glasses you're
You're something else

You're really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I'm really lucky
Underneath it all
You're really lovely

You know some real bad tricks
And you need some discipline
But lately you've been trying real hard
And giving me your best
And you give me the most gorgeous sleep
That I've ever had
And when it's really bad
I guess it's not that bad

You're really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I'm really lucky
Underneath it all
You're really lovely

So many moons that we have seen
Stumbling back next to me
I've seen right through and underneath
And you make me better
I've seen right through and underneath
And you make me better
Better... better...

:) I never noticed it. Those verses are so right on. Wow. So I just thought I'd share the happiness with you. I'm going to go sing loudly and dance with mailboxes and fly, maybe. I'll talk to you later...

Hmmmm! :)





I am currently Loved
I am listening to "Flake" by Jack Johnson

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he's always there :) and other things
02/14/2003 10:14 p.m.
My question was answered - I didn't even expect it would be! :) He's here, watching out, but not getting involved. It felt like he took on the role of my brother again today and that was absolutely the best Valentine's Day present he could have given. No matter what's going on, a little spot in the back of my brain is thinking about him. It's nice to know he still checks on us, even if we don't talk as much as we used to. I still respect his opinion more than anyone else's. So that was a nice Valentine's Day thing. He's still here. That's so good to know.

And Tommy broke out the cursive for me. :) The card is addressed to "My Dearest" in loopy cursive. And reading it, there was the realization that we share a sense of humor. It's great. And I got Sanders! He's cute... white and fuzzy with red hearts for a nose and paws. And his paws are magnetized so I can make him pray or blow a kiss or look ashamed. It's cuteness.

Koye and I talked a bit today. It was mostly about sex, oddly enough. That wasn't really the intention but it turned out that way. I've been trying to figure out what people are thinking about various things and there really isn't anything I can't talk to Koye about. So yeah, that was madness.

I'm going over to Eric's for a little while tonight. He sat with me in the stairway until 2 in the morning. Yeah, but I told him I'd be alone tonight and he said I had to come over. We'll watch a movie or something, I guess. But I'll be back by 11 at the latest so I can call Koye and Tommy.

I like how I systematically listed the boys in my life and told you all about them. I promise that wasn't on purpose. It's just what's going on. Apparently, I have very few female friends. Honestly, Ashley is my best female friend. She cracks me up. :) She gave me a cupcake for Valentine's Day. What a gal. I certainly will miss her next semester.

So I think I've said absolutely everything. I've said it all, there is no more to say. :) Haaa... I'm funny. Whomever sent my boyfriend 11 roses should be shot (with parents and/or play people as the exceptions). That'll be all.
I am currently Jumbled
I am listening to Ashley and her Valentine on the phone

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