broken thoughts
04/02/2003 05:57 a.m.
ashley's sick and sleeping . . . i should be more quiet

charice and afton fought again . . . police were called

i'm going to legends on saturday . . . not thursday ("white night")

robin sort of moved in with eric . . . garrett's always sleeping in her room with stacey

and i'm still unresolved
about everything
you can't take things back once you say them
and maybe i don't want to

but simeon wants to talk to me . . . it's nice to know he still remembers and loves me

wow . . . yeah, nice to feel needed

i'm glad koye is happy . . . that makes me happy

h a p p y . . . d i d i e v e r k n o w h e r ?

here I am, still floundering
out-of-water-fish thing
did i say the right thing to him?
guess it's no use to worry now

talk to me again at the end of the week
I am currently Jumbled
I am listening to "in other words" (a rare early version) by ben kweller

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so close
04/01/2003 06:50 a.m.
it would be so easy
to fix all of this mess
just a call
to solve my problems
it could be so easy
no no no
it could never be easy
cause i can't stand the thought of losing him
I am currently Troubled

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last night / this morning
03/31/2003 04:25 p.m.
It was about 11:45 and I decided to go get a Diet Coke and be in bed at a reasonable hour for the first time in a long time. I counted out the 60 cents and made my way down the stairs. As I walked, I heard someone behind me. I didn't look because I assumed from the footsteps it was a boy and he'd be stopping at the second floor. But the person kept up with me and got closer and closer to me. Eventually I stopped and Eric ran into me, almost knocking me down a few stairs. I laughed and hit him and told him not to do that ever again. I was in my pajamas already and feeling sort of self-conscious but I forgot about it and acted cool. I bought my drink and then we went back upstairs. We sat in the hall outside my door which is the custom and we started talking. ...I'm not even sure how to describe the conversation. I cried. He almost did too, which is always a surreal but oddly nice thing when it's a boy and all. He'd been drinking. I should have known. I could smell it on him once we sat down. Apparently the boys on his hall wanted to "try out" the Bacardi 151. He'd taken 3 straight shots and he told me later he'd tried Vanilla Smirnoff and orange soda like Jersey suggested. He didn't seem too drunk, but he was more emotional than usual. I hit him again and told him not to drink without me. He laughed and proceeded to tell me the story of his Saturday night. He went to the club and stopped Charice from fighting Afton. Yes, our hall is FULL of drama. But he told me he wasn't going to go to the club. And I was just saying to Koye last night that he'd never take me on a Saturday and it's a weird and not good feeling to be left out of something just because I'm white. So I was upset when he told the story. And I told him why I was upset. That I felt left out and why wouldn't he take me to the club on Saturday night? "You know I think of you as innocent... but not just that. I think of you as an innocent white girl." Oh my heck. I've never cried that hard in front of a boy, I think. I told him he's not what I thought he was, that I thought he didn't care about that stuff, and how I don't change or hide anything with him because of our differences. "Do you want to see me like that - smoking and fighting?" It took me a minute to figure out what to say. "It's hard to be friends with a person I can't see all of." He was quiet for a second and then told me how deep I was. "You've been real with me and I haven't." And his eyes were red the whole night. We talked like this for a long time. At one point I stood up and felt like I might fall over. I figured it was late but I had no idea that he didn't leave until 3 AM. I finally crawled into bed, feeling drained but resolved. We straightened things out, I guess. He laughed and told me "Oh it's true, we're going to Buckwild's on Thursday and to Legends on Saturday. Oh it's true." And even then he understood. "I can take you to the clubs, that's not the issue. That doesn't make it right. It's about thinking of you differently." So I think he understands. It was a hard night. Full of things that were hard to hear. And I don't know what's going to happen. Except that we're going to Buckwild's on Thursday and Legends on Saturday. Oh it's true.
I am currently Disillusioned

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so many odd things
03/30/2003 06:14 p.m.
I'm in a weird mood. Tommy's feeling down and I haven't been very good about helping him feel better. Actually, I've been completely mean to him for the past few days. And now he's upset and I'm trying to apologize away some mean things I've said that have stuck with him. I hate myself for saying those things. The last thing in the world I wanted was to make him self-conscious or paranoid. That's my job, for heaven's sake. :) But honestly, I don't know how to fix it. I'm not sure I can. But I AM apologetic and I DO love him for who he is and I DO think he's the best boy for me. I have so much to learn from him. Hmmm, I'm just really upset that I've upset him. *sigh*

The theme of 3019 is now Summer B. Osprey. :) Roommate is very much enamoured (a word which doesn't actually have a "u" in it, but I think it should) with her. And for good reason! Everyone's always asking "do people actually read journal entries?" (and thusly I think there should be some way to view how many people have read your journal entries the same as with poems... hinthint...) and the answer, in my case at least, is YES! But not all of them... Summer's is definitely one I enjoy and recommend. :) The way she talks about the boys she's friends with... I can totally relate. I was actually talking with Koye and Tommy about how most of my bridesmaids at my wedding are going to be boys! Hmm. So Summer. She's the talk of the town. And by "town" I mean 3019... the housing of Ashley and Emily.

Just by the way, another journal I like is Lenina Crowne's. She seems pretty cool. And anything you can read by Joe Nobody is worth your time. lol, what has this journal entry become?? Shoutouts! :) Oh my word, well I can't leave people out now... I'm on a roll. Let's just say you look at my Friends list and that way I'm not a crazy person anymore. :) Wow... I'm going to end this now before someone comes to lock me up.
I am currently Jumbled
I am listening to the baseball game across the street

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weakend
03/28/2003 04:27 p.m.
I'm kind of in a daze about last night. I remember going to Chik Fil A and seeing Eric there. I told him he didn't have to eat with me if he didn't want to. He ate with me. And a band, the members being boys from our dorm, played in the student union where the Chik Fil A is, so we hung around and listened to them for a while. They weren't too bad... maybe I could talk them into kicking out their lead singer and letting me in. Mwhahahaha!

I don't know what I did with the entire 8 o'clock hour. Who's Line Is It Anyway? was on and there was giggling, but other than that... yeah. And then the phone call at 9 o'clock. Until 11:15. I don't remember a lot of it. I just remember working things out... asking as many questions as I could think of and crying at one point. And the drunken sing-along including most of the boys from Brannen hall. I didn't know Drunk Greg could play the guitar. At the beginning of the year Heather tried to set me up with Drunk Greg... saying "Damn girl, he cleans! He's a catch!" Ah well. Going into the phone call, I thought it might be the last. I'm SO glad it's not. I just needed him to say some things and he said them... and I think he meant them. So I'm feeling better about it all. I love him and there you have it.

Am I the only one shocked by college? Did you people know it'd be like this? Oh my.

Didn't get to talk to Koye which was disappointing, but we're going to talk today so yeah. And we had long IM talks yesterday so it wasn't too awful. I can't express how glad I am to have him back like this. It's overwhelming.

I think Pulp Fiction will be watched tonight. I'm not sure. But it's Friday, children. Rejoice.

(Why did I call this "weakend"? Cause you know, it's the weekend and the end of weakness. Oh my heck, please ignore me. I'm the cheesiest person alive.)
I am currently Quiet

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what's going on
03/27/2003 04:17 p.m.
last night was full of gin and juice and registering for classes. one might think those things don't go together. one would be wrong.

i upset tommy. i'd be upset if he wrote that kind of a thing about me. i don't give him enough credit. i'm a horrible girlfriend.

rachel says to tell koye she's "deathly sorry" she hasn't emailed him. the more i learn of her and xangaliciously correspond with her, the more i like her.

i was thinking about john today. mostly because of rachel. he said we were the rock and roll king and queen of killian hill. i still have all his notes in a converse shoe box.

i look stupid today. all messy and not matching very well. my shell toes are still clean, so that's something. but my hair is enough to drive a person to drink.

more norse mythology today. i'm looking forward to it. maybe we'll talk about loki today? i think he's probably my favorite mythological norse guy. jonna doesn't like him.

i'm not taking a class from dr. steinberg like i wanted. that's disappointing. maybe i can keep checking and try to get in. that'd be so cool. like a movie or something.

white sheets.

comedy.

happy hmmmm.

i wish i didn't think about boys so much.
I am currently Detached

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dr. steinberg
03/26/2003 07:47 p.m.
So I went to be advised today after many false alarms and much confusion. Dr. Steinberg... who was quite upset to find me as his advisee as he specializes in Russian military history and I'm interested in the middle ages... was, um, good for me, I suppose. Like... what I've needed all along. He scared me. It was exactly as it should be. I think I scared him too, which is kind of upsetting, but understandable. He laughed when I said something funny which was a relief. We talked about being serious and if college is too hard then just leave... things I've never thought about college, but should have thought. I see college as something mommy and daddy want me to do. Well, as a teacher, that pisses him off. Do I want to be there? Do I want to get an education? Do I want to take classes I don't like so I can get a full education? Am I serious about college? I've never seen college as MY goal until today. College is MY goal. Mine. And I want to do it because of me. Not because I'll be the first of my siblings to finish and make mom and dad pround. That's an after-effect. I have to finish because I want to be educated. For me. No one else. And it's going to be work. "Nothing worthwhile was ever easy." Many adults (and, um, a boyfriend, ahem) have said that to me but I've never heard it the same way before. In the context it was in... with him wondering if I could make it... with me complaining... telling him I was afraid... it made sense in that moment. He asked the dreaded "What do you want to do with your life, Emily?" question and I thought I might cry. I was on that border where my eyes start to burn and my nose gets a little crinkle... more than once. I just kept thinking "Don't let this guy see you cry... you have to prove you're tough." And I was tough. And never have I heard myself say the things I said. "Oh, I know how to write papers." I've never been so confident. And he had to believe me... I had an honors English recommend to prove it. But this isn't about proving him. Or anyone besides myself. This is about me now. And that's scary. But I'm ready for it. I have to be. Thank heaven for Dr. Steinberg.
I am currently Strong

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hidden place
03/25/2003 11:50 p.m.
Wow what a day. I'm overjoyed cause we talked about Norse mythology in myth class today. Woo! I don't let my nerdiness out tooooo often but when it comes to Norse mythology... I'm the nerdiest. I think Simeon's partly to blame. In like 10th grade we had discussions for hours about mythology. Lots of fun.

And Koye and I had a little date sort of thing. (o: We talked for hours like we haven't done in months. It was great. And all secretive and stuff... coooooool. That's why the name of this is "hidden place." The lyrics to that song are perfect. Wow. Just to a T.

So the day is happy. Eric just called and said he thinks some guy is trying to kill him... I cheered said guy on since Eric didn't call yesterday like he said he would or wait to see me today. I think he deserves to be hit one good time. Maybe it'll knock some sense into him. Yep.

And now it's time to consume every fattening food product I bought at the Dollar Store. Don't EVER shop there hungry.

I'd like to add that my boyfriend is the meanest boy I've ever encountered. He lies. Tsk, tsk.
I am currently Happy
I am listening to "Say Yes" by Floetry

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it's almost tomorrow... or is it tomorrow? um.
03/25/2003 04:57 a.m.
And I know this is getting crazy, but I need to write this down. I'd like a reminder to myself. I don't think I should go without talking to Koye for very long. There are many reasons for this, obviously... the first being that I just can't cause I need to talk to him. Another big reason is that he keeps my image of Tommy in check. Does that make sense? I think sometimes the way I see Tommy is sort of out of whack. Talking to Koye puts him into perspective and I really need that. And it's not that he lessens my view of him; the opposite really. I see him from sides I wouldn't normally. Koye is a great voice of reason. No really, he can be!

There are about a million other reasons I need conversations with Koye... yes, about a million... (o: but that was the one that hit me tonight.

I'm feeling so much love right now that it kind of hurts. I'm not sure I'll be able to give enough. And it makes me doubt the past and what I've been giving. And I'm sorry. I should give more. Hey guys, new year's resolution and only three months late!
I am currently Loved
I am listening to David Letterman but not David Letterman

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4th freaking entry
03/24/2003 11:52 p.m.
Yes, I know, I've been posting ALL DAY LONG, but I really need to express how happy I am right now. Things are happening with Koye... really good things. I'm so excited! Finally we'll be able to get back to a comfortable, fun place. That's what we've been missing - fun. And I think we're getting back to the fun. Wow. I'm happy... really really happy. Floating on air, you know! (o: Wow, this day has been an emotional rollercoaster. I love it. *wink*
I am currently Cheerful
I am listening to the Simpsons

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