dunno
03/24/2003 07:52 p.m.
I wrote two poems in English class today. One is just horrible and will probably never see the light of day. I'm not even sure I can rework the concept to make it postable. It's too silly. I'll just say it was sort of an apology poem to Tommy for being a dumb girl and taking him for granted. Maybe I'll eventually write a good poem along those lines. The other thing I wrote is an acrostic which I've never really done before and I'm not totally happy with. I like the concept I'm working with, but there are like two lines I can't get right. Maybe I'll play with them a little later and post it. Until that time I shall buzz around the internet until Ashley's history class is over and she can open the door to the dorm for me. Dang it, it's like I'm a freaking little kid. I wish I had my keys... :(
I am currently Dorky
I am listening to someone just screamed "ya son of a bitch"... I don't know why.

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i hate arguing
03/24/2003 05:27 p.m.
Tommy and I had a wee little fight. Um, actually, I think it's probably the most forceful?... angry? fight we've had. It was over the internet which REALLY makes it easy for me to get really nasty and mean. And I did. And it was over something really dumb. Lots of "really"s... But anyway. We got things worked out in about half an hour in true sitcom fashion. By the end of the conversation we were happy and goofy again. My my my, I hate fighting with him. I'm far too demanding sometimes. I should cut that out. I'm sorry, honey, and I love you.

Wow. My heck. I need to get to english class. Could someone just stand at the entrance to Brannen and let me in whenever I need? I left my keys back in Atlanta. Sergio was kind enough to open the door for me at 2:40 in the morning. What a guy. Now off to the Swopester.
I am currently Better
I am listening to not toooooo much

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daffodil lament
03/24/2003 02:11 p.m.
holding on
that's what I do since I met you
and it won't be long
would you notice if I left you?
and it's fine for some
cause you're not the one
you're not the one there

all night long
laid on my pillow
these things are wrong
I can't sleep here

in your eyes I can see the disguise
in your eyes I can see the disguise


random lines from the cranberries song "daffodil lament." I'm not feeling the whole song... just parts. urgh.
I am currently Sad

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double standards
03/23/2003 06:15 p.m.
So yes, I go do things with Eric. A lot of times. Not just once in a blue moon... yeah. And then I get upset when Tommy goes out with Jess and her friend? I'm dumb. But I can't help it. It's like I'm looking at my feelings going "Why? Stop it, crazy!" but they're still there. And yeah. So I guess just... I'll be done now. The email that I hadn't gotten last night but got today set me off. But I'm ok. Whatever. Blah. Boys suck.
I am currently Bothered
I am listening to our fan whirring

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"home"
03/22/2003 12:23 a.m.
I'm writing from my grandparents' house. I've realized something. No one notices or cares that I'm "home." No one made a big deal, no one misses me enough to TELL me they've missed me, no one seems to remember that I've been 4 hours away for the past 2 1/2 or 3 months. And, you know, that's ok. Yeah, it hurts. But it's just a reinforcement of my independence. Why in the world do I care what my parents think/want/suggest when they don't even pay attention to me when I'm here? They don't care that I'm home - all I am this week is another person to feed and someone that'll do the laundry.

Well, fine, you know? I'm going to do what I need to do and if they don't like it... so what?

Ok, this is the most childish journal entry I've posted in a REALLY long time... but I'm not getting any attention and I've taken to whining. Sometimes I'm 3. I've never claimed otherwise.

Time to pull myself from the self-pity. Gosh I hate me sometimes.
I am currently Bothered
I am listening to relatives talking

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floetry and thanks
03/21/2003 08:41 p.m.
Zoos are fun. Babies are cute... but too much work. Zebras! (o:

I want the Floetry CD. Please? Thank you. I'm loving the song "Say Yes." TONS. Maybe I'll buy that mother.

My boyfriend is the best. College is scary. But not too bad when you have someone to tell you it'll all be ok.

Dinner at the grandparents' house tonight. Yum.

Thanks to David R. Coy and Morella Zenobia for amazingly kind words regarding the last journal entry. The love and unity of this site is certainly not gone. Thank you so much.

And now I shall go and eat far too much food. My grandma is the best cook ever. Go read "Ida" for more info. (o: Oh, shameless plug. Later, kids.
I am currently Devoted
I am listening to "Excuse Me Miss" by Jay Z ... BET randomly on my TV

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love
03/20/2003 04:56 p.m.
For the past two weeks Tommy and I have been having very enlightening, deep conversation. Pull out the spelunking gear, kids... let's delve. So my big problem lately (or forever, really) is my self-esteem. My lack thereof. I just think Tommy's too smart, too sweet, too good-looking, too talented, too everything to want to be with me. And I worry that the pieces of me he hasn't seen yet - physical, emotional, everything - he won't like. Of course, when I say this, he reassures me that's not a worry and says these wonderful things about how when he said "I love you" that means he loves all of me. I don't have to worry about what he thinks anymore. I should know that he loves me. And my thought here is that I would be more comfortable if we were around each other more. Yes, the SAME thing he said about sharing his feelings and emotional things. So it was a two-way discovery. And I said, "You know, when you say the things you say about being comfortable and feeling safe, that goes for you too." If we should feel comfortable and safe around ANYONE it should be each other. I'm his girlfriend. I love him. He's my boyfriend. He loves me. So there should be an intimacy. And there is, really. But it would a greater intimacy... deeper... if we were together more. Which is... a sad thing to know. Cause there's nothing we can do about it. But it's not like we're all surface. We can't complain about our depth - we do have depth. That's extremely nice to know.

Hm. So the end of all this is... I should be comfortable with my body, my metal abilities, my emotional basketcaseness because he loves me. And he should feel safe sharing how he feels and telling me about emotional things because I love him. It's this giant bond of doing really scary things but knowing it's ok cause there's love.

Never, never, never have I experienced anything like this. How could he possibly worry he's not perfect for me?

He is.

So, um, thank you, honey. For everything. The talks, the love, all of it. I couldn't dream of anything better. Nothing better exists.
I am currently Devoted
I am listening to typing

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well... yes.
03/19/2003 05:24 p.m.
It's been a while since I've posted a journal entry. There's so much to say. Not that I've been busy... maybe a little. So let's see.

Saturday was grocery shopping, I believe. My mom and my nephew both have strep throat so that's gross. But I got to go see David before he went back to Shannon (who also has strep, btw) for this week. He is the cutest boy, oh my word. I walked in and he goes "Emmy!" I swear, there is nothing better than that sound. The sound of recognition. I just hate that I miss SO MUCH of his growing up. I was there, you know, all the time with him. From the womb I was there. When Shannon was pregnant my mom had me go sit with her and watch A Wedding Story and stuff on Lifetime so she wouldn't be bored. And then the baby was born and it was like I knew him already. And I helped Shannon for the first few weeks after he was born in the summer. I was there when he was an infant. He took to me almost as well as he took to my mom. She's a wonder with babies... I can't claim her status. I don't change diapers. That must be the deciding closeness factor. But I was always there and now I'm NEVER there. I'm missing it. It's a really sad thing for me. But it's great when he remembers me and talks to me and things. Hm.

Sunday was honestly a bunch of waiting around for nothing. I'm sure I did things with my family during the day, but the evening is most memorable. I was supposed to be going out with Eric and Sidarius. I had my clothes on, my make up on... I was ready to go. And Eric calls and says we have no ride. I sort of give him the guilt trip - "Ah, my shoes and shirt match... I'm wearing eyeliner, even." And he wanted to call someone to see if they could just bring him over, but I wouldn't let him. The plan was already just to see him on Monday so I said, you can just see me tomorrow. In the process of all this, my brother got angry with me for being on the phone - he wanted to get on the internet (and sit and wait for people to get online so they can have pointless conversation about nothing). Of course, he doesn't tell ME he wants the phone, no way, too easy. He goes and tells my mom to tell me to get off the phone. So my mom's pissed at me suddenly. During the argument I say without thinking "I want to go home." She said "You are home." I said "Oh no I'm not." And her feelings were hurt. I always hate doing that. She reacts the same way I would and it always messes me up. Also during that evening I spoke with Sidarius again. This time was not so great. He said hi and how are ya and then made a joke about my dad lynching Eric. It was the most... embarrassing... frightening... horrible thing. Never, never, never have I been so upset with my dad, myself, Eric, Sidarius. I cried for 40 minutes with Eric on the phone and he was angry with Sidarius. Afterwards it was time to call Tommy. I cried on the phone with him for something extremely stupid (I think it had to do with he and Doug going to Hooters... oh sin of sins). But we ended up having a really wonderful conversation past that. He and I have been having a lot of really wonderful conversation lately. It's been great!

Monday... Zane had the day off school and I mostly slept. My mom stayed home so she had us up and doing stuff. I don't remember what. Eventually I got dressed to go to the movies with what was originally supposed to be Doug, Matt Park, Eric and Sidarius. It had morphed to Eric, Sidarius and Charice. (There's an "e" in there somewhere that I always forget.) But I didn't really want to go to the movies with Charice. I'm dumb. Eventually she decided she couldn't go anyway cause she didn't have the money so it was going to be me, Eric and Sidarius. The movie (Cradle 2 the Grave) started at 10:10. They got to my house at about 10:20. We got to the movie theater at 10:27 and not a soul was selling tickets. We hung around for a while trying to figure out what to do. Eventually Waffle House became the plan. After we found it (that took a while) I had a great time. Eric let me play the jukebox and the Waffle House was full of Al Green, Marvin Gaye, Aretha Franklin and the Temptations. The way it should be. The three of us sang along... loudly... but Sidarius was the only one to get up and start dancing. Oh there was Eric trying to convince me to dance, but that certainly didn't happen. Sidarius apologized for the thing he'd said and I felt better about it. He gave hugs and I was ok. Except he did things with the radio that made me angry. "Oh, hey, Pink, I like her." Like all I listen to is that crap... and he's like "Yeah, we gotta keep it R&B." Later Eric told me he could tell I was offended. He said he was going to say something about it like "Hey, you can keep the Clipse CD in..." But yeah. It turned out to be a pretty good night.

Tuesday I rode to my mom's office with her in the morning. At 10:00 Eric showed up and we made our way to Northlake Mall. We walked around a bit and I did some major buying. I bought Pretty in Pink on DVD, 100 Best Loved Poems for my mom cause it has a poem in it called "Jest For Christmas" that she loves, The Feminine Mystique (Tommy rolled his eyes, I KNOW it! (o:) and three shirts from Old Navy (where Sidarius works, oddly enough). So there was lots of buying. We decided that since we didn't get to see a movie Monday we should go to the theater by Northlake. We walked ALL THE WAY over there... me with some horrible cramps... I hate being a girl... and it was closed. So we decided we'd MARTA it up and go to Lennox Mall where there's a theater. It took FOREVER to get there cause we had to wait for a bus and then get on the train and blahblahblah. It was fun, though. Public transportation is always fun. The trains reminded me of London. Mmmmm. Anyway, we got there and saw Cradle 2 the Grave and I decided I wanted to HAVE Jet Li. Right now. Wow. Then we got some food and made our respective ways home. It was a good but extremely tiring day. The conversation last night with Tommy was enjoyable... terribly sad and things... but we got it worked out. I just needed some time to see things the right way. He's the best. What in the world would I do without him? HE WROTE ME A POEM. Wow. It's amazing. And a sweet journal entry. Wow. I love him. SO much.

And that brings us to Wednesday. Somehow I left out I think a trip to Gwinnett Place Mall in which I bought the movie High Fidelity. I've seen almost all of it. I have the end left to see. But wow, yes, Sim, it's a great movie. I'm loving it. And it's making me understand some things, I think. Wow. Thank you for recommending it to me! Anyhoooo, I have no idea what I'll be doing today. Hopefully just sitting. That'd be great. Haven't just sat the whole break. I'm going to watch Murder by Numbers and Insomnia at some point. Maybe today.

This is the buttlongest journal entry ever. Sorry guys. Hey, 90 comments... I know some people have like 1000... but 90 means a lot to me. Definitely. I'm going to go now... I love you children. A lot.
I am currently Peachy
I am listening to my own typing

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femininity
03/13/2003 09:21 p.m.
Sitting in math class today, inspired to write by our substitute teacher who was kind of a character, an idea came to me. I had inadvertently started writing a poem about my second grade teacher. And my thoughts started going all over the place. Finding women in my past who have influenced me. Women I have SO much to say about. Teachers and friends and relatives. There are so many. And the words kept coming. I wrote three poems in class. Many more are floating around in my brain waiting for me to put pen to paper.

There are many reasons this happened today and not any other day. A little while ago Koye directed me back to Tori Amos. To find me. And when I was finding me, I found all kinds of things from other people that I'd borrowed. They don't mind, I'm sure. But a great many of these things were from women. That's factor number one. Factor number two has to do with Tommy. We had an... awkward conversation last night about all manner of things and it ended with me being very self-conscious as a girl and fearing womanhood as a whole. There are things about being female that kind of make you wonder if it's worth it. And all day today I was pondering being a girl and what that means for me. I was feeling kind of upset with him... about things he'd said. Wondered what I was supposed to do with all that...

And eventually I said to myself "OH MY WORD. Calm down. I am the luckiest person in the world to be a girl. So what if there are bad things about it? I get to be a girl. And you know, that's the best thing ever. Look at all you've learned from girls that you could NEVER learn from boys." So I evaluated the situation. And kind of resolved to be proud of my girlness... long hair and full lips and big breasts and big hips and short legs and internal sexual organs... all the things that make up my girlness. But not just the physical (though that's a major part of it) but the emotional. The jealousy, self-consciousness, sadness, anger, fear, hope, love, joy... all of those things. I'm happy with the things I feel. I like feeling. And I'm not afraid to express those feelings.

So there was a lot of power going on. It transferred really easily when I got inspired to write. First Lynn, then Wendy, then my mother. When I started the poem about my mom, I almost instantly started crying. She does that to me. (o: And, you know, it doesn't even matter if no one reads them or likes them or whatever. I'm writing them for me. To remind me that all my girlness is wonderful.

Thank yous to Koye and Tommy (wow, two boys! (o:) for unconsciously setting this all into motion.

Note: I should also thank Ashley for a conversation earlier today about elementary school teachers... that probably helped as well! (o:
I am currently Strong

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always good for a storm
03/13/2003 04:31 p.m.
It's thunderstorming here. Which is good and bad, really. Good... because thunderstorms are ALWAYS good (always good for a storm... mmm, Tori). They bring me so many memories... Randy visiting and hiding in the stairway, hiking in the mountains with the Greens (KHCS kids will remember Josh Green as the boy who ate his crayons) and then driving home to put on warm clothes and drink hot chocolate, splashing in puddles with Diana in the 7th grade, talks with Jonna about weather. This thunderstorm is only bad because teachers are being silly. I had to walk all the way to the education building for my orientation teacher to let us out ten minutes after class started.

Tomorrow I go home. Ashley dearest is driving me back, though she'd rather stay and go to class. (o: She might come over for some lasagna (shh, don't tell, but I had to use dictionary.com to make sure I spelled that right). That'd certainly be enjoyable. She gets along very well with Floie. Um, exCUSE me, Mom.

And I decided on the phone with Tommy last night that when people ask "What are you doing for spring break?" my answer will be "Sleeping and eating." And then that's what I'll do. I miss restaurants. I miss Mom's cooking too, of course. But I had her chicken parmesan the last time I was home. And a cake... mmm. But yes, Chili's and Macaroni Grill and just any Mexican restaurant ever. They will all be visited. And, as I told Ashley, I'm going to work it out so that I'll have someone carry me from my bed (where I will be sleeping at all times) to the restaurants and back so there'll be no possible way to work off any of the calories. And then I'll have an enchilada in my heart (it's a love song, you know).

This most rambling I've done in a long time. I think I'll stop now. Have a lovely Thursday all.

(Ahem, Tommy, I'm "Peachy" ... like a Georgia peach! But I'm your Georgia peanut! (o:)
I am currently Peachy
I am listening to clicketyclickclickcliiiickclicketyclick

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