apple sauce
04/12/2003 05:28 p.m.
I could eat apple sauce with cinnamon everyday for the rest of my life and enjoy it. I say that now, but probably a few years down the road I'd be kicking myself for it.

Koye liked my poem. After writing it, I sat back and read it and thought that if anyone would like it, he would. So that made me really happy.

I'm feeling a lot better today but I'm still taking things easy. I'd love to go out and get some real food. :( But I'll just stick to yummy apple sauce. Eric said he wants to make me oatmeal. I think I've only eaten oatmeal once and I didn't like it. I don't mind Cream of Wheat, but with something in it... sugar or fruit or cinnamon or something. You know what'd be good? Cream of Wheat with chocolate. Mmmmmm... but that may just be the chocolate-lover in me coming out. I have no idea why I've been so obsessed with the idea of food for the past week or so. Maybe because I can't have any. *sigh*

Tommy hasn't emailed me. :( I couldn't call last night cause I was sleeping it all up. And I feel another nap coming on currently. The drugs might be kicking in. Ok, guys, have a nice weekend. :)
I am currently Better
I am listening to the baseball game next door

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"update"
04/10/2003 03:03 p.m.
I thought I'd lost Ashley last night but she called this morning to let me know she'd stayed with a friend so she wouldn't catch the strep. A good idea indeed, but I think the drugs I'm taking are making me paranoid. Everytime I hear something slightly loud I jump. And I walked down the stairs to get a Diet Coke and they started to blur. I say they make me paranoid... see, Eric called at 9 and told me he'd be over soon. So 11 rolls around and he knocks on my door. At this point I imagine he's off with Ashley somewhere. I told him that and he laughed really hard. Oh well, it really is the medication.

I have to go back to classes tomorrow. Of course I could sleep through my psychology exam and just go the last day of class (that's been reserved for those who missed a test). That way I'll actually have time to study for it. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea to me. I'd rather take it late than take it tomorrow when I'll probably still feel out-of-it. Not to mention I haven't studied. As I told Eric while floating on Promethazine and Propox: "I've missed two of those classes... one, two... two classes... ah ah ah!" Like the count from Sesame Street, you know.

I've been watching all kinds of judge shows... Divorce Court, People's Court, etc. Yep.

Have not recieved any "super-long" emails yet. Oh well. I find more everyday that it's not hard for people to forget about me.

So you know, somebody heal me. Thanks.
I am currently Bleh
I am listening to divorce court!

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I hate Gatorade
04/08/2003 08:54 p.m.
But seriously though, I have no idea how people drink this stuff for pleasure.

So last night I was up most of night feeling not-so-good. I wake up this morning... "Should I go to class? I have a mythology test today." So I decided to go. I skipped the Ashley/Emily breakfast date and thank goodness I did. I spent most of my mythology test in the bathroom and left early to go to Health Services. I saw Eric on the way and he said he'd come by after work with soup. And I said "Awwww... soup.... EW." But he was sweet and wanted to skip Anthropology to take me to Health Services. I wouldn't let him and went on myself. After much procedural... paper-filling-out... and taking of blood, it was determined that I have strep throat and a stomach virus. I was prescribed four different drugs... mmm.... And I had to go through a whole insurance ordeal (I've never done any of this by myself so I didn't know what I was doing).

Finally I'm back in my room with Gatorade and Saltines and Nilla Wafers and lots of drugs. I want to break into the Van-O Lunch Cookies like nobody's business. But I'll wait a while... see how things with my stomach go.

And that's all for now. I'll try to crawl back to the computer at some point in the next few days of recovery.
I am currently Tired
I am listening to myself typing... how interesting...

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yes and then
04/07/2003 03:54 p.m.
um but mostly not really only sometimes do i ever and then it's not particularly but certainly definitely just yeah.

I REALLY need to vary my words. Um, yes. But what happens when you run out of filler words? What would I do without pointless, meaningless words??

And now I'm going to check my mail.
I am currently Festive
I am listening to just stuff, ok? jeez.

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um?
04/07/2003 04:28 a.m.
anger? ...um... why? i'm a little confused is all.

tonight i downloaded some "southern rap" ... pastor troy and ti. mostly cause i greatly enjoyed it at buckwild's. yes, this weekend was packed full of partying.

but, um, yeah... i'm confused. and i'm sort of annoyed that the act of emoting always happens apart from me. and maybe i don't give enough credit... like, maybe he doesn't feel things until he has some time to really feel them. i don't know... it'd just be nice to hear things directly from him.

and maybe his wanting to kill things has nothing to do with me. in which case... i feel really dumb.

what happened to my capital letters? they disappeared. sorry. um, off subject.

ashley's sleeping so maybe i should shut my noise up now. tonight i have decreed that i'm going to listen to moby before i go to sleep. maybe i'll turn off the violent, vulgar rap of ti and go to the calm, sweet techno of moby.

honestly... tonight was just tiredness. that's the only reason i was moody. i promise. and i'm sorry.

oh precious, precious sleep.
I am currently Scattered
I am listening to "i ain't never scared" by ti and such (i LIKE this song)

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update
04/05/2003 03:45 a.m.
today did horrible things to my body and mind. but i'm feeling better. tommy and i talked things out and i think everything's going to be ok. yes, i have a hard road ahead of me. actually this very night i'll be doing something i dread. i don't want to hurt eric - that was never the intention. but i think to set things straight, i might have to. we'll see how all this goes.

wish me luck, guys.

a big thanks once again to my lifelong support beam, koye; ashley, the roommate who lets me say stupid things and then says amazing things in response; my avatar who knew all along love was bad news, chris shin; david r. coy who continually lifts me up with his words; and simeon who understands what i'm going through. i love you... and thanks for putting up with me.

now is one of those... moment of truth thingies.
I am currently Anxious
I am listening to something on TV

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why
04/04/2003 04:47 p.m.
why the fuck do people love me so much? and would they say it more with some gin in the bloodstream? damn it, this is the most horrible feeling. what do i want? fuck, i don't even know. the email was beautiful but i still haven't gotten a letter. i'm about to go check again. thank God i'm not going to lose koye. i'm immeasurably glad we're back. i'm going to need him. thank you for the wonderous sweetness. you're the best. really.

stupid fucking love. chris, i hate to say it, but you were right. time to listen to "down with love" by bobby darin.
I am currently Jaded

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confusion
04/04/2003 03:57 p.m.
i don't know what to do. some things happened. or were said, i should say. and he hasn't emailed me yet. the minute i'm done typing this i'll go check my mail. my mom begged me to keep trying. i'm scared. i have no idea what i should do. i just keep thanking God i don't have a hangover today. today is the most frightening day of my life. and it's only eleven o'clock.
I am currently Anxious

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buenos noches (i know, i know, it's still morning)
04/03/2003 05:22 p.m.
hola senors and senoritas!

yo estoy muy disappointed yo no takin' spanish.

um. yes. i took spanish in high school por dos anos. and THAT is what i have to show for it. "por dos anos" - "for two years" of course.

yo gusto tommy witty.

that means i like him. :) he's uno caliente muchacho.

was that at all right? hmm...

dar - to give (or "to rip apart with malice" if you had joe phillips)

and i'm not sure that "estoy" is right up there ^ somewhere. i'm not even sure if that means "am."

wow, i'm going to be horrible when i do eventually take spanish. but i sort of miss it. hmmm *sigh*

that's all really. buenos noches.

yes, that means "good night" but i can't remember the word for "morning."
I am currently Silly
I am listening to nothing really

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joni
04/03/2003 01:53 a.m.
i'm listening to the song "river" by joni mitchell. if i could sing or play the piano i think i'd like to perform this song in front of people. do you think people would pay for that? to see a girl who can't sing or play the piano singing and playing the piano? and it'd just be the one song over and over. or maybe just once. i could do "a case of you" too maybe. it's just joni and a guitar. i can't play the guitar either. i tried once. that being said, i took piano lessons for four years and i still can't play the damn thing. so maybe that should tell me something. but various people have told me i have an ok voice. maybe i could just go acapella? did i spell that right? so i don't really relate to the story behind "river," but i do relate to the sentiment "i wish i had a river i could skate away on." now "a case of you"... that's different. i can really relate to that one. and probably not in the way you're thinking. unless your name is koye. and maybe simeon if you're feeling really egotistical. :) wow. i don't think i have the vocal range of joni mitchell. she seems to be in higher register than i am. i'd move everything down an octave and admit to my status as alto. i'm clinging on to second soprano for dear life. i've done it all though. in 7th grade karla and i would sing along with the basses and we could totally pull it off. then i was a soprano for a while. i don't think i've ever officially been an alto. maybe 8th grade? but most recently i was a second soprano and i really enjoyed that. it was about what my voice was made for. i miss singing a lot. i mean, i still sing occasionally when the room is empty and i'm in the mood. but i miss sitting around with other people and discussing how "this guy" could've arranged "this piece" better and how those altos over there should just be quiet and let us show them how it's done. and getting up there and going for it. it was the only really courageous thing i've done. besides improvising my 2nd grade piano recital piece. i like that story. it makes me sound more musical than i really am. i have an odd relationship with music. it's like an appendage i've always had and couldn't imagine living without. that being said, i can't even play a musical instrument. i don't think i have enough patience. singing is a different story. it comes more naturally. i'm not saying i couldn't use training - i probably could. but it's easier than sitting with a guitar with this foreign language (tabs!) in front of you. but anyway. i meant this to be about joni mitchell. i got off track. but yes, me, my voice, "river," "a case of you," and your 50 cents. it's a date. or a concert. whichever.
I am currently Weird
I am listening to "help me" by joni mitchell

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