awww
04/22/2003 09:02 p.m.
URGH. I had a SUPERLONG journal entry about how amazing today has been... and it got lost. :( That sucks so bad. I'm usually so careful and type it out in Word first and everything. Just not this time. :( So let's summarize:

Today has been happy:

*breakfast with Ashley... it's always nice cause we're spending more time apart lately - her with a family from her church, me at Eric's - so it was a good thing

*I LOVE my mythology teacher, Dr. Griffin who's 5'4" with red hair and blue eyes and she's British complete with the bad teeth and overuse of the word fiend

*I'm going to write a paper about the Poetic Edda to make up for that mythology test I missed due to illness and that just makes me HAPPY

*I saw Eric twice today - once after mythology and then again after I talked to my myth teacher at 3:30 and we went to Chik Fil A with Jersey whose real name I don't know

*it's Earth Day and there are festivities and it's cute

*they were playing the "if I only had a brain" song from the Wizard of Oz and I thought that was quite enjoyable this being a college campus and all

*the smells I associate with Georgia Southern are honeysuckle (there are some bushes behind my dorm that Eric and I are planning to attack at some point), fresh cut grass and aftershave (boys here tend to smell really good... especially Eric who's oddly obsessed with his sense of smell)

*Koye left me a sweet message and then said he missed me in his journal! aww! I very much miss him too... it's amazing to me how well we got on... it's like nothing happened this winter. this summer's going to be lovely.

*don't worry about Eric... once you guys spend some time together this summer things'll be fine. and once Sidarius stops telling him you're trying to steal me. :)

*I hit 6,000 reads today. maybe that's not really impressive but it makes me happy and that's what counts, you know.

I'm sure there was more. :( But that's what I remember. And you know, today's a good day. I'm happy. And now I'm going to go read the Poetic Edda. Yay! Oh, a sentence I was happy with. Something like "I was completely content with going back to my dorm and reading for a class a book I'd bought to read for pleasure." Do you ever do that? Just really like a sentence? Um. Yes. So that'll be all. If I remember anything else, I'll be sure to put that up for no one to read. :)
I am currently Happy
I am listening to "Spiderwebs" by No Doubt

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um...
04/22/2003 03:49 p.m.
It sucks to be on this side of things. I remember lying in bed at Bob Jones the night he told me he kissed her again. I cried really violently... called him every curse word I could think of... and then listened to the CD Koye'd made me. I related to every song and hated him and loved him and cried some more. For months and months every song has been about him.

And then Donnell Jones.

So I have nothing to say. I can't say a single thing. He can think me the worst person in the world... and he'd be right. I messed this up. Me. I'm on this side. He's listening and hating me. And I deserve it.

But I don't hate you. Just... so you know. I don't think I ever could. And maybe that just makes it worse for everyone.

if I treated you bad
you bruise my face
couldn't love you more
you got a beautiful taste
don't let the days go by
could have been easier on you
I couldn't change though I wanted to
could have been easier by three
our old friend fear and you and me
glycerine
don't let the days go by
glycerine

I needed you more
when we wanted us less
I could not kiss, just regress
it might just be
clear simple and plain
that's just fine
that's just one of my names
don't let the days go by
could've been easier on you
glycerine
-Bush

I am currently Bothered
I am listening to not a whole lot of anything

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so...
04/21/2003 11:17 p.m.
it's an odd thing to find someone here on pathetic when you gave a "decline" to his or her application. :) it's the power, you know. gets to my head. and it's not like i think i'm so great and i know all about poetry and do it oh so well and should be the almighty judge of who should be here and who shouldn't. it's just that when a poem really, really sucks, i'm not going to say "please come join our site and bring the overall iq down a few points." if your best poem is about a pony then, i'm sorry, you shouldn't be posting your poems here. gosh, i've come off as such a brat. well, i guess it's about time you people found that out about me. i'm braty. yes. i know, it must be hard to believe, but i am. and spoiled, as i pointed out to eric last night. maybe I shouldn't be posting on this site. :) anyway, um, so i've been listening to a lot of no doubt. i'm loving gwen stefani. she reads my mind and then writes songs. it's great. "it's going to kill me to see you with the next girl cause i'm the most gorgeously jealous kind of ex-girl... but i should have thought of that before we kissed..." mmm, that is me to a t. i never liked the song "exgirlfriend" but it's working for me now. um. i emailed john the other day. i don't know why. it's one of those things. on one of the computers at home i found where i'd saved all his emails to me. and you know, he was sweet. i'd forgotten. he said amazing things. but in his own way... his own silly way. but they were great. and i'm dumb so i emailed him. i just said "hi" and "miss you" ... but it was still probably a mistake. i make those sometimes. ok, i'm going to stop. i wonder if i'll talk to koye today? i was planning on calling him earlier before his flight but i got distracted and couldn't. so maybe i'll be making a phone call to baltimore. that should be interesting. we shall see... shant we?
I am currently Mean
I am listening to "simple kind of life" by no doubt

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i should go...
04/21/2003 04:32 p.m.
but i want to post a journal entry instead. it's weird. i was thinking about *love* ... and you know, i really suck at it. things that people who are in love do and think... i've never done or thought those things. there really is something wrong with me cause i know i've been in love. loved and been in love. two different, you know, but i've done both. and still do. but i don't... wax elegant about the future or have anxiety about a boy leaving or use words like forever. and if i do, i don't mean them. they're there (in the poem, usually) for filler or to be symbolic. "i'll love you forever" means "i'll love you for as long as i decide to love you" and that's ok with me. somehow that's the accepted language. "ok, i'll say 'forever' but you know that's only as long as i (or you) decide." hm. and i'm not writing this to belittle anyone or my feelings for anyone. maybe it's coming off like that. i certainly didn't intend that. because i do feel really strongly. i do love. but it's different than how everyone else does it. blegh. ok, you know, maybe i made absolutely no sense and should have just left for english class as i was going to. i'll do that now. yeah. jolie jordan is pretty. that new poet. she's pretty. thought you should know. yeah. that's all for now, really it is, i promise.
I am currently Paranoid
I am listening to "a sorta fairytale" by tori amos

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more of the same
04/19/2003 10:16 p.m.
My feelings right now are really stagnant. And it's like I'm stuck in a not-so-great place. Koye told me today that Tommy talked to Muffin not very long ago. That he said she has a cute sneeze. Hm. It hurt me. You know, it shouldn't cause this is it. Or whatever. But I can't... move my feelings. And thinking about it all... it seems like he and Muffin were more suited for each other. Or maybe, as Koye said, they were just around each other more and rubbed off on one another. But still. The most horrible thing about this is that I should have known. It should have been obvious to me that he and I aren't "compatible" or what have you. Because I waited until I loved him to see that. And I still love him. Yeah. I do. We broke up on a technicality. I would've wanted to break up had he discovered feelings for some other girl. But I wouldn't have stopped loving him. It's the same thing. Only different. So you know, I still love him. And that makes things that much harder. Ten times a day I think to myself "I should call him and fix this and I'll be better and we'll be ok." And I always stop myself. Because it wouldn't work. I'd have to call Eric and let him know. And then I'm back to where I started. Not knowing what to do. I'm SO sorry I drew him in without being sure of myself. I'm a horrible person. I should have been more careful. I'm reckless and thoughtless and mean. And I'm sorry. That journal entry... I don't know. It was like... a punch... because, I don't know, hearing that he thinks it's "for the best" is like... dying. It's like a tiny death every time I think about us not being together. And he's so... calm and accepting and rational about this. Even when I was crying and going "um, um, um" on the phone, he was saying "calm down, hon, please don't cry..."

This isn't easy. I'm in a lot of pain. And I'm a horrible person. This is so... ugh. Yeah. I've ceased to make any sense so, you know, I should stop typing now. Yeah. Wait. Um, I don't want to leave this without mentioning how great it was to see Koye. We shopped and ate and it was just wonderful. I can't wait for this summer. It'll be so perfect. Hey, we didn't go to Barnes and Noble to look for cute Starbucks boy. Hm, ok, it's on the schedule for summer. So yes, my life isn't a total mess... things are peachy with Koye. And there you have it, kids.
I am currently Gloomy
I am listening to just my typing actually

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in defense of nick
04/16/2003 08:14 p.m.
So I was blowdrying my hair and thinking out today's crazy events and I decided to write a journal entry to defend myself. And I realized that in the process, I'd be defending Nick. When all this was in full swing, I hated Nick. The idea of Nick was disgusting to me. That he could do what he did. But I was only hearing one side of things. It's only today that I've been thinking so much about Cathy that I've understood something that I think she should understand. This Nick thing... to some degree... you know, I'm not in this, I don't know everything about it... but leaving doesn't always mean "you're not enough" or "you're not what I want." No way. That's not what it meant for me. And possibly Nick felt the same. It's still leaving, yeah. And leaving still sucks, I know. I'm feeling it. A lot. But I never want anyone to have the impression that I left because who I was with wasn't "enough" or "desirable" or simply amazing, as a matter of fact. Leaving doesn't mean "I'm great and you're not great enough to be in my great presence." Sometimes it means the timing is off, or things aren't meant to be or something completely unrelated to that person. So I guess this is really in defense of all four of us. I'm saying that no one here should think him or herself undesirable. Yeah. And I think that's why I got so worked up and was all crying at a journal entry from the 14th and stuff. Um, hope this wasn't like overstepping anything. All right then.
I am currently Angry
I am listening to something ben kweller-ish

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your cloud
04/16/2003 05:28 p.m.
I finally found some lyrics I don't feel like an idiot posting. This song is sort of big for me anyway, cause Koye related to it so much regarding me. I think I'm just now understanding in the way Tori meant it to be understood. This is how I feel.

where the river cross
crosses the lake
where the words jump off my pen
and into your pages
do you think just like that
you can divide this?
you as yours
me as mine
to before we were
us

if the rain has to separate from itself
does it say "pick out your cloud"?
pick out your cloud

if there is a horizontal line
that runs from the map
off your body straight through
the land shooting up
right through my heart
will this horizontal line when asked
know how to find
where you end
where I begin
"pick out your cloud"

how light can play and form a ring
of rain that can change bows into arrows

who we were
isn't lost
before we were
us

indigo in his own
blue always knew this
if the rain has to separate from itself
does it say "pick out your cloud"?

if there is a horizontal line
that runs from the map
off your body straight through
the land shooting up
right through my heart
will this horizontal line when asked
know how to find
where you end
where I begin
"pick out your cloud"

if the rain has to separate from itself
does it say "pick out your cloud"?
I am currently Tired
I am listening to "your cloud" by tori amos

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this weekend
04/16/2003 04:07 p.m.
It's now definite that I'm going home this weekend! I'm really happy... I'll finally get to see Koye!

And you know, that's it for now. It's time to go back to being kind of broken and weird. I'll get right on that.
I am currently Jumbled
I am listening to "Miss You Love" by Silverchair

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make a wish
04/15/2003 03:17 p.m.
When Koye and I were on the phone all the time last year, he'd say that usually at 11:11. And we'd make our wishes. His never changed. Mine always did. Sometimes I'd have the same wish for a few weeks, but eventually it would change. And sometimes I wondered what his wish was that he didn't have to change it all the time. But I can't know cause then it might not come true.

All of that to say... I don't know what I'd wish for when 11:11 comes around. I want everything. I want it all. I don't want to lose anyone or anything. I've worked hard to get what I have, and to lose it would be to lose a part of myself. But I'm not being fair. I've been the worst possible person I could be. And it's not fair to the people who love me.

I have to do and say things I never thought I'd do or say. And that makes me enormously sad. What have I become? I never, never wanted to be this person. I never, never fathomed I'd have the chance to be this person. But, here I am, stuck with what I created. I made this situation. As much as I could shift the blame, I don't dare. This is all on me. I'm the one that caused all this pain. And it's my responsibility to stop it. And more pain will be caused in the process.

I'm sorry. I didn't ever think today would come. But look, it's here. And I really am sorry.
I am currently Melancholy

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recovery
04/14/2003 07:56 p.m.
I HAD to go to class today so I HAD to start my recovery today. I didn't realize until I talked to Koye that I haven't eaten anything besides a few grapes and some fruit loops since last Monday. Wow. So I had a couple of bites of a Chik Fil A sandwich today and it's looking like everything's ok. So yes, today is the first day of the rest of my life. Could I be more dramatic?

I didn't talk to Koye or Tommy last night so I'm definitely looking forward to that tonight. And it seems the hidden place is being reinstated to some degree. That's good. It was kind of on-hold while I was sick.

Hey, my poem did all right. I wrote it like half-awake, half-drugged... so I'm glad people enjoyed.

That's all for now. I'm feeling a nap coming on.
I am currently Better
I am listening to the TV

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