ugh
04/28/2003 04:28 p.m.
i hate that he can do this to me. i hate that i still love him. i hate that all it takes is the hint he likes someone else for me to be jealous. i hate that he hates me.

i can't ask for anything. i can't ask that he be all better right now. i can't ask that he keep his love for me. i can't expect him never to move on, never to find another girl.

i should be so content right now. i should be perfectly fine and confident in the decisions i've made. i should remember the plans i have. i shouldn't worry about him like this.

and i shouldn't have written this in a journal entry. is it possible to be too open? to say too much? is it wrong to allow him this much? to be so free with my feelings? to keep saying love?

i need to shut up and swallow this.
I am currently Bothered

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poems
04/27/2003 08:04 p.m.
I've decided to randomly post some poems I had up on Poesie just to compare and stuff. So if my poems suck over the next few days, that'd be why. :) Just thought you should know.
I am currently Affectionate
I am listening to "let's stay together" by al green

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stretch...
04/27/2003 04:26 p.m.
Ohhh, long night. Visit the xanga (the link in my profile) if you really care to know. I'd like to sleep ALL DAY LONG... but I need to study.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. Um, I need to talk to Koye today. Haven't talked to him in two days. I'm glad he's feeling better about leaving Tommy and all. I completely understand. It was weird cause when I first read his journal entry about that, I was kind of offended. And then I was like "silly, what is wrong? he can't miss his roommate and friend?" So I got over it. I know he's MINE for the summer and that's what matters. :)

I have an unnatural amount of studying to do. I think I'll probably get to that now.

No hangover, guys. Aren't you proud?

Oh, and if my mom should choose to read this... there's no hangover because there was no drinking... OF COURSE. :)

Note: I always hate to put "sexy" as a mood cause it assumes too much. "Hey guys, I'm sexy!" But it's a feeling more than a way I think of myself, if you know what I mean. And if you don't... I feel really silly.
I am currently Sexy
I am listening to some sports show on TV

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is it silly...?
04/25/2003 04:21 p.m.
that I changed my site-theme-color-thing because a poet I don't particularly care for was using the same site-theme-color-thing as I was?

GOSH, I am the pettiest girl EVER.

And I realized something today about Tommy. Let's see if I can put this into the right words. I can't be angry about anything he does. I keep like... waiting for him to mess up. And by mess up, I mean... um, say dating Jess when he swore over and over he doesn't feel like that for her. Or getting back with Muffin when he said things like "she's had her chance, it's not going to happen." But you know, he could do either of those things and I couldn't say anything about it. For some reason I hold him to promises he made even when I didn't hold myself to promises I made. He doesn't owe me anything. He can do whatever he wants and I can't be mad about it. Hm. It was a revelation that like smacked me in the face as I was walking to Psychology.

Just thought I'd share. Yes.

And now it's off to English. Fun.
I am currently Scattered
I am listening to i don't know... somethingerruther

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i'm not REALLY crazy, i promise
04/25/2003 02:37 a.m.
OH, I'M GOING TO EAT HIS SOUL!!

But not, because I'm ok. :)

And my definition of fun is just fine, KOYE.

TOODLES MR. SANITY.

I should be FUCKING studying. But no, I'm doing something more fun! (talking to KOYE, listening to Tori Amos and posting a RANDOM journal entry)

AID INSTEAD. NOT NOW; IT'S TOODLES MR. JIM YOU CHERRY PICKER.

Sorry. I like this song. It's cute.

OH, KOYE YOU WILL GET INTO JAZZ ENSEMBLE.

OHMYHECK, WHY ARE THERE NO GIRLS AT LOYOLA I DON'T ABSOLUTELY HATE?

Maybe that was a little harsh. Sorry. SOMETIMES I'm harsh. ESPECIALLY when I'm hyper.

OK, I'm going to focus on my glorious conversation with my glorious KOYE. :)

NOTE: I don't hate LAURA. LAURA was actually kind of cool. I think we'd get along. Just so you know. BUT THE OTHERS... I HATE THEM.

:)
I am currently Hyper
I am listening to "TOODLES MR. JIM" BY TORI AMOS, YOU SEE

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ok, ok
04/24/2003 03:20 p.m.
So first I'd like to apologize to Koye for the lack of communication yesterday. That quite sucked. I shall be calling tonight and we'll have actual talks, for sure. FO SHO. I apologize. Again. Ok, so that wasn't the greatest - not talking to Koye. Really should have handled that better but I was desperate. Eric was sort of mad and that was more upsetting than I could have imagined it would be. We walked to Waffle House and had some late dinner and talked things out so it's ok... it was just scary for a second. We also had extensive conversation about body image and the difference in boys and so on. And his weirdness. He has some weirdness. And I was worried cause of something silly, honestly, but I think that's all ok now too.

And I talked to Tommy yesterday. We were serious for the first time since the break up. That other time we talked was hyperness on his part and pensiveness on mine. This was totally different - it was one of those calls-with-a-purpose I sometimes engage in. And it was basically calling a truce. It's odd because I know we're both still dealing with this but we're ok cause we've decided to be. You know, it's weird to be friends with an ex-boyfriend. I NEVER do that. Unless you count Arthur who never really left me alone at all. Until a few years ago... this is a different story. Let's get back on track. So yes, we talked and I didn't die (which was the worry) and we actually laughed together a little. It was nice... reminicent of Bob Jones. Maybe I'll actually be able to do this whole "friend" thing. Yeah... God's on the phone.

And we're not bitter but...
I am currently Better
I am listening to the lab monitor talking about "building a mystery"

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i'm reminded...
04/23/2003 11:24 p.m.
of a fight with Koye. where it was all over the internet and we became petty and silly. and i'll take my share of responsibility for that. and i have to do the same here. ok, you know, it hurts me to hear about Muffin. it hurts me to hear that there are schemes. it hurts me that i'm not involved in summer plans anymore. i'm sorry for the name-calling. i shouldn't have gone there. but i was angry... because i'm hurting. because there's still love there. there probably always will be. so yes, it hurts to think of you together. it always has, you know.

i'm sorry. this is none of my business. take care of yourself however you see fit. i hope eventually we can be friends like that. and you can tell me all about mean girls and i'll console you. i'm sorry.

the gay thing... it was just a joke. in poor taste, maybe. sorry again.

heavens, next time let's not do it this way. let's talk about it. or just ignore it. :) one of the two, ok?
I am currently Devoted
I am listening to Friends on TV

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i said...
04/23/2003 04:56 p.m.
to Koye that I would post a journal entry about this, but I'm really not feeling mean enough to. Hm. I sort of am because... wow... I guess I didn't really expect the kind of meanness I'm being dealt. So I'll give you a little piece of a conversation I had just a few minutes ago.

Emily: Cirque du Soleil?
Someone sitting a few feet away from Emily: Oh, gay Jason and his boyfriend LOVE Cirque du Soleil!

And there you have it.
I am currently Amazed
I am listening to "she hates me" by puddle of mudd (wow, do i hate this band)

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best roommate ever
04/23/2003 03:33 p.m.
lol...
Ashley: Have you had lunch?
Emily: ...yes...
Ashley: But you can always work in a vegetarian croissant, right?
Emily: Oh yeah, man.

That Ashley girl... I'm gonna miss her when she's all Utahan.
I am currently Affectionate

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feeling old by 21
04/23/2003 03:23 p.m.
never thought my day would come...

April 23, 2003
3:00 AM approx.
Tuesday night / Wednesday morning
Room 2037, second floor of Hendricks Hall
"Floetic" - Floetry
Eric Brooks Dodson (hungry for Wendy's - two double stacks {he'd eat one and a half} with mayonnaise, no pickles or onions)

so i turn myself inside out
in hope someone will see
make me laugh
say you know what you want
you said we were the real thing
so i show you some more and i learn
what black magic can do
make me laugh
say you know you can turn
me into the real thing
so i show you some more
and i learn

I am currently Romantic
I am listening to "Strawberry Fields Forever" by the Beatles

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