nineteenyearsold
06/18/2003 03:46 p.m.
Yesterday was my birthday. But nothing really birthday-y happened. I spent the day with Eric which was good but... somewhat frustrating as we couldn't ever get alone. Ah, except for swimming, yes. That was an experience. Frightening at first, but it turned out well. And we saw the Italian Job... well, most of it. Then was dinner with the family (a LOT of them... Mom, Dad, Zane, David, Derrick and Derrick's girlfriend, Paula) at Outback. Yum. And they did the whole birthday shtick with a sundae and singing. That was the birthdayest part of my day. And then Eric spent the night which was... also frustrating cause I wanted to stay with him but I couldn't. So now it's today, this morning, 11:42 AM and we're getting ready to go over to his house cause he's making me and his mom dinner. And FINALLY we'll have some time to be really alone. Yay!

I'm leaving lots out and this is in a crazy order, but that was mostly my birthday. Oh, and my grandparents called and reminded me why they're my mostest, very favoritest relatives in the world. They're the best. And I got a message from Koye proving he didn't forget it was my birthday! :)

Nineteen.

Whew.
I am currently Warm
I am listening to Zane laughing at my mood choice :)

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arrghughyugh
06/16/2003 10:23 p.m.
Just a little angry moment... my latest post not getting tons of reads and I THINK it was due to the "(prose)" part... which I had and was ok and everything and some girl comes along and posts two things with "(prose)" in the title. So people are automatically going to register my work with hers and probably not read any of them. Unless they take the extra few seconds to read the author's names (which, face it, sometimes isn't worth the time).

So I got rid of the "(prose)" ... once you click on that mother, you'll know it's prose without my having to tell you.

I'm the silliest girl in the entire world.
I am currently Obsessive
I am listening to the welcome to atlanta remix just ended

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relapse
06/15/2003 11:25 p.m.
and sometimes i understand what addicts go through. that moment when someone holds a gin and tonic under your nose and you just want to slap them for tempting you. that moment when the smoke drifts over to you and it just smells so good and you want to remember what it felt like in your lungs.

he does that to me sometimes. his ghost floats around and whispers in my ear and then "tells me a secret" and all these feelings come back... the way he... this, and the way he... that... sometimes it's too much. and i think of how easy it could have been. how i wouldn't have the problems i'm having now.

and then sometimes my mother yells and i have to go. ugh.
I am currently Troubled

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ah whatever and then driving school
06/03/2003 12:36 a.m.
I'm trying to force myself to care but I just can't. Nope. There are too many other great things happening for me to spend time on something like caring about that.

I get to see Eric tomorrow if all goes according to plan. Oh, let's start at the beginning. You know, I had driving school today (with a rambunctious group of 15- to 17-year-olds... go ahead and call me Granny) from 10:00 AM to 4:30 PM. ALL DAY. It was boooooring. And odd to sort of stick my almost-19-year-old-self in a group of younger kids and pretend to laugh at jokes that aren't really funny and protest loudly the fact that our teacher can't properly pronounce "minimum" (no joke here). I thought I'd go all day avoiding questions like "What high school do you go to?" and "What grade are you in?" ... and I did until about 4:23. The boy with Chris Delaney-esque hair beside me (who'd been there since 1 and whose name is either Brian or Ryan) decided finally to talk to me and his first question? You guessed it:

(B)Ryan: "So, what school do you go to?"

Emily (looking embarrassed): "Uhh... I graduated, actually. I go to college."

(B)Ryan (smiling and looking away): "Ahh... and you're just now getting your driver's license?"

Emily: "Yeah... oh well. How old are you?"

(B)Ryan: "I'll be a senior." (Which I take to mean that he's 17.)

Emily: "Well, that makes me feel a little better. I was feeling really silly when everyone was like 'I'm 15! I'm going into the 10th grade.'"

(B)Ryan: "Yeah, I guess we're the old ones."

So it really wasn't too bad. He turned out to be pretty nice. And the two girls in front of me reminded me for the world of me and Suzanne in 7th grade. They were funny but not in a funny way. I laughed anyway.

And ate a lonely, boring lunch. Eric's going to come tomorrow and sit with me so I won't be alone and so I'll be able to see him this week. It'll be nice. And my mom's actually bringing me a lunch so my food'll be warm. I guess no one can really do anything to fix the BORING subject matter.

And now Zane is breathing down my neck as it really is his turn to use to phone line. Later, guys. :)


I am currently Nerdy
I am listening to Zane asking me questions

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today or yesterday or tomorrow... or all three
06/02/2003 12:01 a.m.
Yesterday... I was dumb.

Today... I continued to be dumb.

Tomorrow... I will have been dumb.

But anyway, yes, we had a bit of an argument. Mostly because... I guess... um... well, I'm dumb. There's that. And also, I read a lot into things. A LOT. I overanalyze EVERY WORD. And I know he doesn't mean things the way I take them but what if he SUBCONSCIOUSLY does? See? There I go again.

Today we're ok, though. He says stupid things sometimes, but other times he says the most amazing things anyone's ever said to anyone else. I just have this overwhelming feeling that we're going to be ok for a VERY long time. This just FEELS like it's going to last. I thought of children today. And, I mean, for an eighteen-year-old the thought of having kids is mostly a scary thing. And I certainly wouldn't want any right now. But for the first time since maybe I was a little girl playing house, I recognized the wonderful side of having children. Teaching them and learning from them and giving everything to them. It doesn't sound so bad when you think of that. I've already told Eric: I'll change diapers, but when it comes to vomit... he's in charge. So we know our roles. :) But I want to teach them songs and Bible verses and about Picasso and Wagner and baseball (Eric can teach them about football and basketball... I'll leave that to him) and how to tie shoes and what colors go together and how to answer the phone and ... just on and on forever. All those things came to me today and I felt like I was six again and playing with dollies.

Tomorrow I start driving school. No actual driving for a while, I think, but just the idea unnerves me. I don't WANT to drive. I LIKE not driving. But I know I should. And I know once I do, I'll LOVE the freedom. So yeah. Still not happy, though.

And that's what's going on. I expected to say more about driving but, you know, I think I'm in denial right now.

I want to make some more chocolate chip pancakes.

Gosh, just call me domestica. (ooo! I'm Koye!)

Have a good week, all.
I am currently Content
I am listening to myself typing, how splendid

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simeon, koye and jonna
05/29/2003 02:09 p.m.
Simeon... I haven't seen him since... hm, January? And I probably won't see him this summer. I haven't talked to him in quite a while (ah, I did at Koye's... that's right) and now he's in Europe.

I am just a huge waste of flesh. I've begun to neglect people this summer. Even more than I usually do.

I wish I would have made more of an effort to see or at least spend time talking with him before he went away for two months. I'm a terrible, terrible friend.

Koye's feeling neglected, I'm sure. I don't know if that's all me, but I think it's at least partly me. I can't seem to date someone without hurting Koye in some way. I SO wish I could change that... but I have absolutely no idea how. Hmm...

And Jonna feels shadowed by Jared's "pathetic" success. Ah honey, if you read this, please don't feel that way. This site goes in waves. Sometimes your on top of it, surfing, happy as can be. Sometimes you just couldn't catch it and it's a little disappointing. And then there are times when you're under the wave, being washed to shore, getting sand in your bikini bottoms. Jared's that first one right now. You can't just give up cause he's getting some fuel for his artistic (and coughegotisticalcough) fires. (Oh come on Jared, that was a joke.) You are a great writer. You are. If I know anyone who's a born artist, it's you. Think of your photography. I mean, I've never been really amazed by amateur photograpy. That is, until I saw yours. That close up of the flower - you know which one I'm talking about? GOSH. Point is, you were born to be creative and expressive and you do a great job. Wait it out and you'll get the recognition you deserve on this site. Love be thine, hon.

>_< POH

That was longer than I thought it'd be. :) Hm. Well, methinks People's Court is coming on and I love me some Judge Milian.

So to sum up... I'm gonna miss Sim, I have been a terrible friend to both him and Koye, and Jonna shouldn't worry cause she's great.

Yes. I know that's really disjointed and whatever but this is a journal entry not an essay.

Ok, I really am finished now.
I am currently Needy
I am listening to well not anything really

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also rachel
05/25/2003 01:16 a.m.
I forgot to mention that Koye and I spent some time with Rachel who is just the coolest girl. I realized today that's who I left out of the graduation entry! Silly me! Rachel!

I like her... she's like Koye in a whole lot of ways. But cooler. :)

Juuuuuust kiddin.
I am currently Nerdy

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graduation
05/24/2003 05:26 p.m.
It was an interesting experience. The actual ceremonies and stuff... whatever. I mean, I like Chris Delaney and Stanley Moore and Christina Roca. I'll miss those kids a lot. I got a HUGE hug and "I've MISSED you! I want to make out with you!" from Jonna. Yes, Jonna. She's totally nuts. It's cute. :) A couple of hugs and a flashing from Christina. I really like that girl. Hmmm, Koye and I talked a bit to Shea and that was just gorgeous. She's me, you know. But cooler, I think. What else? Got to see Naomi - that was cool. She was SO funny and extremely nice. Melissa Meek kind of gave me a weird, distant hug and then like ignored me and Koye (the clique of two, by the way). Stanley gave me a nice hug and talked to me a little. I wish I would have gotten to know him better. I'll always claim partial responsibility for his placement at Fine Arts. :) Koye dragged me over to the sophomore boys as well.

Yes, John Richardson was at this year's graduation.

It was funny cause Koye walked over and goes, "Um, you're about a year late." :) Oh my Koye. And stars. It was funny. He gave a little wave and said hi and I mentioned his lack of braces and that was about it. Civility. Matt Hoffman, Jonny Payne and Jer Goss all sort of gave me looks of hatred and Jer actually gave me WORDS of hatred. It was sad. But Matt and Jonny both called me Emmos. :) Ian wasn't there and that disappointed me. He's the only one of that bunch that's ever really nice to me.

But we didn't get to see Mark Bosler or Kenny Miller. Two very sad things.

Well, you know, I got to hang with Koye for a while and do some eating and some listening to music and some other stuff. And really that makes it all worth it. That was a cool thing during... I think it was AJ's speech where he mentioned "that friend who's always there by your side" and me and Koye had a moment. :)

All in all... yesterday was not a bad day. Hmm... I know you can't go home again, but sometimes it's not as terrible as others.
I am currently Warm
I am listening to some John Wayne movie on TV

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from Koye's computer
05/23/2003 08:18 p.m.
He's making fun of me. :P Well, yes, that's true. What is new? I'm at Koye's! It's enjoyable. It's the first time I've seen him this summer. Hopefully more instances like this, yes. Hmmm...

Hi Eric. :) If you read this... you know. Hey babe, Checkers!

Ok, so I really have absolutely nothing to say except PJ Harvey just scared me out of my skin.

Graduation in a little while. Woo. I'm not actually looking forward to it cause I don't think there'll be anyone interesting there. Except Christina... and maybe Jonna. Hmmm, we'll see.

All right, that's all.
I am currently Happy
I am listening to "Oh My Lover" by PJ Harvey (I'm at Koye's... DUH)

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me? adventurous?
05/23/2003 01:00 a.m.
And then there are times I wonder what we'll do the rest of our lives if we don't stop doing everything now.

Hey Sim, what's that quote you had on your page/AIM profile for a while... something like "you're just jealous cause we're young and in love"...? I like that quote.

Sometimes it's an interesting thing to be me. And then I have no one to describe it to.

Things are perfect and wonderful and terrifying and crazy. I like that.
I am currently Lovesick
I am listening to something mom and zane are watching on tv

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