skinless
11/24/2003 08:54 p.m.
it's amazing to me what's been happening to my emotions lately.

so you know, I lived with a girl last semester and now she's in Utah. we went to high school together, but we weren't friends the whole time. I suppose we were pretty good friends senior year. at least part of senior year. I always do something to screw up my friendships and this was no exception. it's hard for me to be friends with girls. I don't think I've ever compared this friendship to the friendship between me and Shereen... but now that I think about it, there are similarities. anyway, I lived with her and sometimes we talked, and sometimes we were just quiet. a lot of the time I wanted to say something, but I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything.

different people feel different ways about her, but they all feel strongly. she's that kind of person... interesting, involving, mysterious, amazing. some would say I haven't said enough to her credit. some would say I've said too much. but she was definitely all those things. I feel stupid even saying all of this... did I even really know her? I may not have. I can't assume that I did. but I liked her. I know that. and I wanted her acceptance.

I went to church with her. I talked to her missionary friends. I met a family from the church. I participated. why? for a lot of reasons, I guess. curiosity... about her, and my mother, and their shared religious ideas. hope... of finding answers, as always, and of being welcomed into a group. I thought maybe I could find that "home" feeling I was missing. I've been thinking about those things lately. about the church and the people I met. about God and the truth and what my purpose is. I'm not sure I'd be thinking about those things right now if not for her.

and I go, and read what she writes, and sometimes I want to cry. because I miss her, certainly. and because I'm jealous. always. always jealous. I need to get over the jealousy. I'm jealous of her... all of her. her beauty, her talent, her intellect. I've always been sort of jealous of those things. but they are tiny, insignificant in comparison to what I'm thinking of these days. I'm jealous that she knows. that she's so certain and so committed. I'm jealous of the home she feels inside just being where she is. I'm jealous of her comfort. and I miss being near her.

and I don't think I've ever expressed these things, or maybe I have and I feel they've fallen on deaf ears. so I wanted to express them. take them as you want to. I don't contrive emotions. it's all real and true. and now I feel like I have no skin, and that makes me uncomfortable as I imagine actually having no skin would be.

the end.

I am currently Insecure

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southern accents
11/15/2003 02:39 a.m.
xanga is not allowing posts at the moment, and I wanted to get this down before I forget.

I love the way Georgians say "Summerville" ... it's like "suhmmavllll."

yes, in come cases southern accent sounds silly, but there are times I think they sound just beautiful. if I went to like Summerville, Nevada or something, it would just be "summer ville" ... the town of summer. blegh. boring.

suhmmavllll... yes.

ok, I'm done.
I am currently Silly
I am listening to myself speaking with a southern accent

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poems, etc.
11/13/2003 06:30 p.m.
girls to be added to my femininity folder (alphabetically):
alice
amber
ashley
beverly
carrie
carrie #2
celeste
chariece
diana
diana #2
diane
ingrid
jonna
julie
karla
maggie
mary kay
rachel
reece
robin
sierra
shea
shereen
sophie
tiffany
venita
vinoja

I may have left a few out... I'll add them as they come to me.

and I'd just like to say that, yes, some of the things I have done have been mistakes. but I don't ever regret spending time with someone, or getting to know someone, or loving someone. everything that happens is for the good. even if it doesn't always seem like it. I don't regret loving anyone.

I think that about does it for this journal entry. I have some poems to write! :D
I am currently Scattered
I am listening to library sounds

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lacking in daylight savings time
10/29/2003 02:43 p.m.
So I woke up at 9:30 and looked at my clock and realized I'd only have half an hour to wake up, get dressed and walk to class from my dormacrosscampus. Yuck. So I'm freaking out cause our paper is due in English today and I don't want to be late cause I HATE being late and walking in and looking all dorky. I get to class, start to apologize and see that no one is in the room. Did that crazy English teacher of mine move the class? Did he cancel it? What could possibly be wrong? I look at my watch... it says 9:05.

Huh?

Yes, my children, it would seem I forgot to set the clock in my room back an hour. My watch was covered, but not my alarm clock. Heavens. But at least it didn't make me late. I was early so I walked to the library, where I am this very moment, and registered for classes. And suprisingly, I got a pretty good schedule. Packed as hell, but good. My Tuesdays and Thursdays next semester will be crazy. What classes am I taking? Why, thank you for asking. American Government, World Literature II, Fitness Walking (oh yeah, man, required PE class), Introduction to the Universe, Economics, and History of Women in the US. Yes, actually, I will be physically killing myself next semester. Say your goodbyes before Spring hits, folks.

Things are happier than they've been in months.

Time to go print my schedule and go ahead to English.
I am currently Dumb
I am listening to people printing stuff... yes.

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a feeling I can't describe
10/28/2003 10:18 p.m.
Or maybe I can? I am SO in love with Koye right now. So in love. And it's not like any other kind of love. If Eric read this right now he might be pissed but he'd have no reason to be.

This school year has been weird. When I've talked to Koye, it's always been me wondering how he's doing, how he's holding up, how he's being effected even now by what I did to him last year. But you can't just say that. You can't just ask someone if they're still suicidal. If they still blame you. Because answers there are difficult. I know how much I hurt him. Maybe I didn't realize the extent of it at the time... no, I definitely didn't... but I understand it now. And there's no way to take it back. There isn't a thing in this world I could do or say to fix it. That's just not possible. And that is weighing on me. Maybe that's why I haven't called as much this semester. I miss him all the time, but talking to him reminds me of how thoughtless, careless, stupid I can be.

And yet, this entire semester has baffled me, because he's seemed so... fine. So ok. Together, even. And I think after reading that journal entry, I can state what I've been feeling this semester. It's pride. I can remember feeling like my entire life was ending because Koye's entire life was ending. We had endless conversations about how precious he is to me, how I NEED him to stick around. But I never thought he heard any of that. But he's here now. And he's not angry or sad every day. Yes, there are times, he says. But I am astounded at how strong he's been. And I'm just so proud.

Like I said before, there is no way to apologize for what I've done. How do you apologize for giving someone a scar? You know... I just remembered something... that relates, but not really... um, Zane and I used to have these terrible arguments - usually over nothing - and we'd yell and cry and hit each other and, really, you've never seen two people look crazier. And we were having one of those arguments and he hit me. Not super hard, but sort of hard. And I grabbed him by his shirt and accidentally scratched him. Deeply. It bled and you can still see the scar on his chest. I think after I did it, he came back and hit me really hard, but I didn't struggle. I didn't put my hands up or anything. I just let him do it. Cause I felt so terrible that I'd left a mark on him. And it'll be there forever as a sign of my temper, my uncontrollable anger. I still feel horrible about it. If I ever see him without a shirt, I apologize. Even though it happened years ago. People hate to be faced with their faults, I guess. And I scarred Koye. My best friend. And as a result, I'm left with a constant reminder that I'm a bad friend. I was cruel and selfish and I'll never forget that. And it's not so easy to constantly apologize to Koye. I don't want to bring it up. When I apologize to Zane, he doesn't actually feel the cut again. But I'm afraid that when I apologize to Koye, he will.

So what do we do?

Well, we're going to try our hardest to work through it. I still love Koye exactly as I always have. Maybe more, if that's possible. But it's going to be a tough road. For him... I don't want to diminish what he's going through in any way... and for me. For us, as "us." It'll be hard. But if he's willing to do it, to keep moving on, then I totally am.

Koye, I need your friendship like I need water. I love you.
I am currently Insecure

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museymusemuse
10/27/2003 11:14 p.m.
The muse came to see me today in geology. She hasn't visited me in a while. She's been with Jewel (ha ha). But I wrote like a million poems today. Oh ok, only four, but I haven't written that much in forever. It shocked me. I didn't post one of them because I didn't want anyone to YELL at me for posting too many poems! and also because I didn't want to flare anything up or cause any new problems. Heaven knows I've caused enough problems in... that area. Don't want to start any others. So I'll lay low and maybe post the poem later on. I think I really came out the lucky one in the situation just because I'm so far away. You really don't understand how major the consequences of your actions are until it's way too late. I guess that's just how things go. I'm dumb, and that's all there is to it.

How do you apologize for scarring someone's existence?

In any case, I have poems now, and maybe the muse will settle in for a while? I hope so.

I think it might be time for dinner. Happy Monday.
I am currently Poetic
I am listening to the tv in the lobby

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some pathetic poets
10/21/2003 03:30 p.m.

Sometimes I feel like being a reviewer and keeping up with what I'm thinking about different poets. This is that so just yeah.

I swear, I think Olivia Weinkein is a genious. I go and find new poets on pathetic that I enjoy reading, but there is never a time I don't enjoy what she writes. She is always spot on perfect. If you're having a day where you feel like you just need to read some damn good poetry, she is who you should turn to.

And my new favorite pathetic poet is a girl named Emily Davidson. And not just because she's an Emily. Her work is different from Olivia's... lighter, maybe? Not in content, no; more in form. Her poems are swift and tough... like a kick in the stomach but more pleasurable.

I have to say that for a long time I've read Vikki Boggs' journal because she writes so freely and so personally. But I hadn't really read much of her poetry. So today I was poking around and I read some of her poems about her boyfriend and I fell in love with the way she writes. She says things I wish I could say, but better than I could say them if I actually could say them. My word. It's deep, emotional stuff, so if you're into that (and I SO am), she's for you.

Of course, don't want to leave out the boys, Andrew D. Romanelli never disappoints. What I really love about his work is word choice. And you know, I think word choice is probably what I value most in poetry. Does it sound good? Everyone has deep thoughts, ok? What's so amazing about really deep thoughts? (Gosh, I love Tori Amos.) But not everyone has the talent to discuss those thoughts in an interesting and unique way. Andrew definitely does.

Simeon hasn't posted in a while, but I always have to recommend his stuff. It gets better every moment. Others? The bestest of friends, Angel Esclave; my dearest Jonna Dawson; her brother, Jared; and the boy who looks out for me, my personal bouncer and bodyguard, he lifts me up when I'm down, and writes hilarious vulgar poems about cutting down trees... David R. Coy!

Don't you know I hope all these links work. My. So there you go... my current picks. I love these kids. Now, go, read.
I am currently Zealous

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these moments keep creeping up on me
10/13/2003 07:17 p.m.
I've always said... thought... that I am the most open person in the world with my feelings. In a lot of ways that's true. But in some ways, well, it's just a blatant lie. It's gotten worse since I've been in school this semester. Ignorance is bliss, right? Pretend you don't see it and it can't hurt you. Ignore the guy with a gun and he won't shoot you. Act like you don't know that your parents are happier with you and all your problems 3 hours away. Pretend that there aren't any problems going on with you and your best friend. If you ignore it, it can't hurt you. But it's becoming harder to ignore it. It's becoming too blatant to pretend away. I talked to Koye this weekend and my mother today and I just couldn't help the tears. I feel like I'm losing Koye. He's so far away and busy making new friends and getting involved. I'm down here in Statesboro trying as hard as I can to get good grades to prove to my parents that I can... as well as making sure Eric does the same so they'll know how responsible we are. I'm losing touch with him. And I hate to talk to my parents on the phone because I can feel how much happier they are now that they don't have to deal with all the bothersome "interracial" shit. But I love talking to them because sometimes I forget what it's like to have a family.

There was about a ten minute span on Sunday where I sat in a daze and felt like I wasn't connected to anyone in the universe. I didn't feel like a friend or a girlfriend or a daughter or an aunt. I felt like I was floating around in space. Completely alone. And I put myself there. It's no one's fault but mine.

Things are wrong. Like the whole white-washed tomb thing. Like, things look good on the outside. I'm getting good grades; I have a great boyfriend and a financially supportive family. But when you look deeper... it's all just... wrong.

And I'm not really sure how to fix it. Um... I guess I'll just do the "Emily" thing to do and wait it out.

Maybe this sounds way more dramatic than I intended. Well, I didn't mean it to sound that way. So. Yeah.

I'm going to go buy a coffee and wait for US History to start.
I am currently Overwhelmed
I am listening to people typing and I SWEAR the printer sounds like my alarm clock

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lunifeste?
10/05/2003 02:30 a.m.
my heavens, I just approved Ryan from New York's application to pathetic. oh my word. I didn't know he was applying and I'm mad he didn't tell me. what a poophead. anyway, I hope he gets enough approval votes to be accepted to the site... but still. HE DIDN'T TELL ME HE WAS APPLYING.
grrrrr.

my poem t-y-p-e-w-r-i-t-e-r is about him. OH MY WORD.

Ryan from New York, if you read this, it would do you well to email me and assuage me.

:)
I am currently Awestruck
I am listening to my own heart beating with fury and anticipation... wow

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this might be a bandwagon
09/30/2003 07:39 p.m.
But I went today to reread some of Mike Sabino's things because I know the name and I could remember enjoying the things of his that I'd read... and like, I don't know, but there should be a word for how he writes. Maybe there is and I just don't know it...? But it's all SO vivid and SO bam-right-there-i-can-see-it-can't-you and just yeah. It's in the words, I think. The words are like perfectly placed and you say them in your head and think "jeez, why didn't I write that?" Not many people get that kind of a reaction, but he really does.

And um, I know that's really not specific and it doesn't take any kind of stance, but it's what I think, so yeah. That's all.
I am currently Creative
I am listening to my boyfriend eating french fries

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