First impressions are the most important, right?
10/06/2003 08:38 p.m.
You know what I love? Meeting people off the internet... it's like a drive by into someone's life.. They might tell you one thing online, but in person...you get to see, hear and deal with the shit that is part of their life... It reminds you that maybe you life isn't so fucked up afterall..
I'm not saying that everyone you meet is that way, but a majority of the people that seek out to meet people on the internet already have problems.. that's why they want to meet people.. maybe someone that can help them out of the hole they are in.. maybe someone to just make them laugh..
Then you get the honor of walking into an ongoing trainwreck.. something where nothing feels right, where everything is awkward.. Where if you sleep over you just have nightmares and cold sweats.. Where the only thought in your mind.. is to flee...
I've been through alot of dramatic relationships in my life, so I've seen drama.. basically used to it for the most part.. but when you walk into this kinda situation, you're just happy that's not your life anymore. Sad, but true in it's workings of some people's existence..
Someone's enviroment speaks volumes.. unkept, trash everywhere, and disorganization just tells you the horrible truth about someone.. about how they think.. how they deal with life and how the think about themselves...
It's gottan to the point.. I've noticed.. I love these people's pets more than the owners..If I've seen enough hate and pain in a house, usually there is a pet around that you know needs some attention... I've come to love strangers cat's and dogs more than the friendships..knowing proabbly it will be my only time there in that sort of situation.. Strange, I know.. but it's something I'd thought up...
Alot of people have problems.. I know.. and I don't blame them, or the world for that matter.. sometimes life just deals you a shitty card in life.. and you have to bear that cross.. I know.. but have self respect.. for yourself, your guests and your pets..
A first impression is lasting with me.. what comes out of your mouth, hell.. what you put into it.. and I'm picky.. not per se' about who I consider a friend, but who'd I consider someone who'd I'd want to form a real bond with.. I'm a cleanfreak by some standards, I guess.. but things should be clean.. I'm not talking white glove inspection clean, but no plates and trash on the floor, or a bed with no sheets kinda thing.. I mean, C'mon..at least try.. I figure these are resonable requests for a human being.. I mean we're not still in the stone age, right?
But I thank my stars for the friends, even the life I've had after situations like that.. and it really makes me happy to know that I could slip into some rut.. but I don't think I could ever get down to the level of drama that is that trainwreck. Best of wishes to the first impression.. lol
I am currently Amazed
I am listening to Tonight she comes by the cars

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The true family @ pathetic.org
10/05/2003 10:49 p.m.
Well In response to my journal entry.. I recieved about 6 messages in roughly 12 hours... to be honest it got me a little misty eyed... looking back, I'm not apologetic for what I said.. I'm just glad I didnt do what I really wanted to do and post that comment in the message boards.. lol... but it did make me realize that there are people on here who do take the time to wander in and make you feel better about a situation. You know who you are..
This goes out to everyone on here, who take the time to read this.. thanks for taking the time to wander in and see what's up with someone else's life.. I never expected to get the response I did.. I just wanted to vent about how some people are so thoughtless to bash someone over the fact that they think outside the box.. In my mind, thats what makes Pathetic.org a community.. the fact that there are all these differnet views on theworld in one place. I was just upset that someone was trying to treat me like I would never treat them.. I don't force my opinions on someone else.. no matter how misguided they might be.. I also don't tell people negative things about themselves or their poetry.. To someone creative, I feel that is proabbly one of the worst things you can do.
As for the comment I made about Nepotism in here.. I do feel in certain ways people on here take advantage of other people.. but it's the real world.. and things like that will always happen.. I wasent trying to single someone out in particular.. or even trying to single out the staff here at pathetic... I feel they do a just job on here.. and that their guidence is needed from time to time to weed out things and people that the whole deem as spiteful or even downright hateful.. I applaud them for the hard efforts that go into this site.. so maybe I shouldn't have gone to as far as to say that.. but I do feel in some aspects that people on here need to tkae this a little more lighthearted than they do.
In summation, I love being here.. it's been my home for over 5 years.. I've missed it when it was gone, I've loved it when it was here.. I've loved being able to see all these great minds in one place.. I've loved taking the time to bask in these thoughts and visions from other people.. Sometimes I might not agree with them and sometimes people don't agree with me.. but thats what makes this place special.. It's a swirling mass of art, pain, love and hate.. and for that.. I love you all for bareing your soul to the world.

Finally.. If you don't have something constructive to say. Keep it to yourself.. You're holding someone's heart in your hands when you send them a message.. I might be thickheaded and even thick skinned.. but words are just words sometimes.. and sometimes they can be a knife in the heart.. espically when it comes down to your work. So unless you feel that you can add something here.. Keep it to yourself. I don't tell people that they suck or even that they need to go back and learn how to write.. So don't do it... It's the right thing to do, to respect your family here....even if you don't consider us all family.

We are.

I am currently Better
I am listening to my other family watch sunday night football..

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Nepotism on pathetic...
10/05/2003 12:37 p.m.
You ever get the feeling you don't belong somewhere? Like you're unwelcome? Like it's always the squeaky wheel that gets the oil? I do. I feel that way seriously about pathetic.org...
Someone sent me a nasty message a couple of days ago, and I just recieved it this morning.. and it really reminds me of how people on here are all about themselves. How people on here dont seem to realize that this is supposed to be a community. I won't comment really about what the letter said or even what it was about. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not going to post messages on the discussion board anytmore since it seems I aggravate some people with the topics I've broght up in the past.
I'm over people giving me low votes out of spite.. I'm over people asking me why I've never made poem of the day or been in the poet spotlight. So what I don't believe in your version of god... Fuck you. I don't tell you your god is dead and that your a moron, so why waste your time trying to spite me? I'll repeat that.. FUCK YOU and your mother too..with a chainsaw...gently even. Yes I'm mad.. furious in fact. The only reason why I don't quit out-right is because I have made friends here and I don't see the point in abandoning them just because someone wish's to be a cock.
I will say this.. I dont ever want to be in the poet spotlight, I don't ever want my work to be poem of the day. I dont even waste my time looking at that shit, espically since I've seen the whole staff of Pathetic be in the spotlight, but yet, I've been here since the beginning and havent even made poem of the day more than once. Maybe my work sucks.. I agree.. but I've seen alot more shitty work posted on the front page in one month than I could ever possibly come up with. I've seen more dribble come out of the rated poems than a four year old could write.. so it's just a corrupt system in my eyes. I dont want to be a part of that.. hence why I took the votes back off my work..
I wish you all well, since really when it comes down to it.. I'm not going to expose myself anymore to the bullshit that I've allowed in the past... so unless you have something good to say or something about how I could improve.. keep your words to yourself.

I am currently Angry
I am listening to fuck all that spotlight noise...it's just a sympathy vote.

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The morning after...How easy we forget...
10/04/2003 05:27 a.m.
After a night out on the town, so to speak... You always regret the choices you made as the sunlight burns your eyes.. You swear you'll never drink again... but so how earliy we forget. We run around misrable the whole next day, sweating the poison from out of our pores.. We tolerate the world, when all we want to do is crawl back into bed and cover out the world as best we can.. How annoying everyone is when your misrable.. How short fused we get when we have the weight of a bottly drilling into our mind... and yet, how easily we forget... It might be sunny outside, but we'd wish for rain... just so the pain inside our head's would relax it's grip... Drinking a gallon of water to wash the dirt from our soul.. Taking pills to ease the pain hiding behind our eyes... but only time can heal this wound.. this poisoning of the soul.. Ahh the price we pay to let go..for just one night.. just to relax our grip on reality and laugh with the village idiots...
I am currently Better
I am listening to Carnivale

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Strangest dreams go with stranger lives..
10/01/2003 01:21 p.m.
I had a wicked dream last night (in a good way)

It was about me looking to get a job.. and I had all these Trick or treating kids walking around in different costumes.. then my friends decided to go "Deer thumping" where we'd jump up and down to scare the deer into running away.. but it ended up just scaring the fawn's and making them run into the fence of a tennis court.. and what a tennis court was doing in the backyard of a single bedroom white house, I'll never know.. I felt too guilty to continure scaring babies, so I talked my friends into playing with a gardenhose.. which to my dismay, was spitting gasoline out.. then of course.. Someone has to run up with a flaming torch.. So I'm all stressed out that they are gonna set us all on fire.. and of course, that worry and stress... wakes me up...

Ahhh.. what a weird way to wake up.. all worried and stressed.. kinda just takes away from the fact that you were trying to relax...

::sigh::
I am currently Amazed
I am listening to the rumble of my neighbors TV

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Anime Lovers rejoice!
09/30/2003 06:43 p.m.
Well I just got the DVD set of Cowboy bebop.. awesome... a must have for you anime lovers.. Subtitles suck I know.. and it's not like cartoon network.. but the translation is a little better than the dialog in english on cartoon network.. If you got the chedder to toss around, go get it.. It's worth the time.. and it's about 5 hours worth of fun... Now if they'd only make a real movie.. that would be the shit!!
I am currently Anxious
I am listening to Cry me a river...

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Ugh.. Sickness...
09/30/2003 06:40 p.m.
Well I've been sick for the last two days with some flu like crap.. really kicked my ass..escpially last night.. but now.. hell, I feel great... I love that.. A nice fast recovery.. It felt alot simular to a hangover.. but a little worst...I just slept from 5pm until about 6 am this morning.. Great day out.. looks awesome.. you should see it.. So I'm gonna go out... I'm going biking for a couple of hours.. and enjoy this great day... it's gonna be cold soon anyways.. So I might as well enjoy the sunshine.. I suggest you do the same! =)

I am currently Anxious
I am listening to What is god was one of us..Joan Osborne

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Something I've been meaning to say...
09/25/2003 11:46 p.m.
Have you noticed how the media in the last 5 years has been showing the junkie lifestlye romantically?
I've seen so many movies now, that glorify the junkie plight into a 120 minute movie... So many come off as the Junkie as the hero.. I'm not saying this in a bad way, but I don't know too many junkie hero's in the world today, so maybe thats the point, show something like that since it never happens.. much as most anything in a movie..
But I've noticed we went through a shift with the social view on addiction... I mean people still live in denail about addiction.. they try to say that alot of things are needs, not addictions.. but I have to say, I play Devil's Advocate.. I think people are addicted to the american lifestyle.. I think if you took someone out of the city who'd been raised there their whole life and forced them onto a farm, it'd proabbly rank up there with crack or Cigerettes...
I see people everyday addicted to stuff.. and this is legal, buy it in a drive through type of addiction.. and this is just food.. not even good food at that..
I wont deny it, I'm one of them.. I love fast food.. it's fast.. and I'm lazy.. like 80% of the nation that is overweight.. but you don't see people cracking down on the fat content at McD's but they sure will turn their eyes away when a legless guy is begging for change to buy a hotpocket and a soda...
I fear this world that I learn more and more about everyday... I think I should stop sharing these random thoughts in my head and just stick to the basics... I'm proabbly comming off too deep for most of you...
But still.. I don't see the point in romancing something like addiction with funny movies about stoners and crackheads... All that does it make our kids think it's glamourous to be a junkie.. to have junkie friends.. to be part of something illegal and undergroung.. to feel like you have found something that they don't want you to have..
And I really don't understand why America lets certain addictions go, and challenge other ones...I have a great drug reform policy that would remove all the crackheads from the streets, and all the poor potheads from Jail..

Have a place where people can go.. Like a halfway house..
You wanna go smoke crack? Go for it.. I'm sure the DEA siezed enough yesterday to feed the habits of all the junkies in the US of A... Just fence it up, make poeple stay there as long as they want to do drugs.. Hell, Film it even.. Make it like Survivor: Crackheads Vs. H Junkies..
(I'd bet on the Crackheads) at least then we wouldnt have such a degradation of man on your front step... or should I say, Your front overstep..
It would take the supply and demand away from the Mafia and "Terrorists".. not only that, but give artists a place to commune to when they finally run out of options..

If you happen to die in the Great crackhouse, they get your body for science.. to see what the effects of this addiction had on you.. I'm sure they still have lots of efforts in the war against drug addiction..

I am currently Alienated
I am listening to Bleh

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What a little birdy told me..
09/25/2003 11:20 p.m.
Men fall in love with thier eyes, women fall in love with their ears... Maybe this is true for most men, including me.. I derrive so much from a picture, or what a person looks like it's proabbly uncanny.. but speaking personally about me.. I find things to love about a woman.. The accent, inflection, choice of words, the way she expresses herself (be it art, music or just in commincation).. I find things attractive that proabbly most don't.. glasses, intelligence, sense of humor, personality.. but I won't lie.. I do fall in love with my eyes.. but I also use my ears.. I could think a woman is drop dead sexy, but if she opens her mouth and a racist remark or a belittlement about someone else falls out, it really effects how I think about that person.. I feel that what a person has to say about other people is a reflection about that person, in a sense...what that person thinks about themself..

I'd say it's true for the most part.. but I think it's too much of a sterotype.. I don't think most men fall in love with their eyes.. Well maybe fall in lust.. but I think that most times, a guy will lust after anything that he see's as a challenge.. guy's want to solve problems, women want to talk about them... a guy wants to get between your legs to settle a dispute that maybe he's the one who'll make you come.. and you want him to be there for the long haul.. which I guess ends in a conflict of intrests.. since men seem to be resolved to only want something they can't have and get bored with it after they have it..

What ever happend to our old school ethics? The fact of working something out? the making it work ethic that all our grandparents have/had... My grandfolks have been together 50, almost 60 years... and they arn't the happiest people together, but at least they have each other.. what kind of world are we creating, if we can't make love work, but we can shuffle our kids off to see daddy on the weekends, when he's not running after a girl half his age? I think that we're teaching both men and women the wrong morals when it comes to realtionships...
We teach them to run from a struggle.. It's easier that way I guess to drop something that has lost it's glimmer.. but I think it's more powerful to work through adversity.. make things stable... comfortable.. be honest.. Communicate..(as best you can)...and for once.. Listen to their heart.. and not what they look like, or what's between their legs...

I still have faith in human exisitence.. there's always hope.. too bad it seems I'm a rare breed..

I am currently Better
I am listening to I don't listen to anything when I write these, infects my brain

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Well now... Isabel's gone...
09/25/2003 02:07 p.m.
Ahhh.. What a long time it's been.. or at least it seems...
People here still don't have power.. the water's safe to drink in some places... the worst is over and the rebuilding has begun... but I feel empty inside for some reason.. I see people slipping back into non-social behavior... I see people sitting back in thier favorite ass grooves in front of the TV... Does electricity really destroy humanity by making us so anti-social? With no power, people we're talking... laughing.. in the dark even.. candlelight.. a beer.. and friends..
Now.. that the power is back on, everyone is just sunk right back into being the media whore's the were.. not tuning into the radio to hear where things were open, what to do in case a tree falls on your house.. We felt like we really pulled together.. and now that everything is back to "normal", everyone is just sinking back into thier meaningless existence without a word to the neighbor now..

I went through alot in this last week.. alot more than most, I guess... I mean everywhere else in the country people could see where the storm was, the footage on the weather channel... but not me.. I was stuck wondering if the tree's were gonna crash through my wall... Funny thing, it wasen't really nerve racking or anything like that.. It was more on the lines of expect the worst, but pray for the best...and I'll admit there was alot of praying going on.. I mean you dont hear about all this destruction and think that you're still gonna get off scott free... which is really how our cards got delt.. I've herd of alot of people around here who lost thier homes.. and lord forbid if you happend to be one of the nine poor souls that died.. then again, most of them died from driving around during the worst part of a hurricane, so maybe it falls more under thinning of the herd... ::shrug:: but still..

For 7 days, we didnt have power.. So I really spent that time with family.. since they couldnt hide behind a tv or shuffle off to channel surf.. We all sat around a candle and listened to the local radio..mostly talk shows.. my folks love the drama, it seems.. I'm not a big fan, but I endure it for the sake of arguement.. but speaking frankly, I enjoyed it.. it gave us some time to bond a little more.. it made us better.. sure, we didnt have lights or hot water.. and even so.. We still didnt care.. We enjoyed the time, hopeing everything was going to be alright.. Well, maybe I'm the only one.. they were pretty misrable towards the end when it got about 100 degree's inside the house with no outside breeze..

::sigh:: thinking about life without electricity is so far off, it's unimaginable... but when it happens.. People go two ways... Think of it as an addiction, or as a luxery...I consider it a tool, but thats mainly because I feel I can't write on a pad and pen.. It's to final for me.. most people, it's proabbly all three.. but I think humanity has lost something out of our electricity.. some primal contact with one another.. then aagin, maybe that's just sociecty in a whole.. each gemeration conpletes another turn in the downward spiral that is the human existence.. You see such great acts by us and yet you sense that things are getting more and more wrong by the day.. Not impending doom, but something like we're getting softer and softer as time passes, more pc and less correct.. like We're slowy getting boiled, instead of burned outright...

Maybe it's just me and I'm getting too deep for something like this to convey.. but then again, I'm just sharing.. and thats what this is for.. =)
I am currently Anxious
I am listening to I'm not... I'm cupping my ears and going La LA LA LA!!!

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