You know what sucks?
09/18/2003 09:16 a.m.
I just spent over an hour typing a WHOLE story in this motherfucker and it tossed it, because I took too long to write it..It was the whole story about me loosing my best friend tonight because he was drunk..
fuck that..
you have no clue how long it was.. I'm talking like 5 pages.. WTF?!? Fuck that.

I'm so mad right now... you have no clue... I couldnt even go back to it... Gavin.. you really need to fix that..
I'll cry you a river later when I really realize how long that took to write that only to have it disappear into nothing...I guess it's my fault tho... I'm the moron trying to share my life with a bunch of outsiders..

Fuck me.
I am currently Alienated
I am listening to Fuck this.. fuck isabel and fuck this fucking fuck figgity fuck

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Sleep depravation...
09/16/2003 10:26 p.m.
You know what I've found out? Well other than not to use a vaccum for sexual purposes...

Don't sleep.. It helps your work out so much.. I sit here and I have a thousand ideas running circles in my head.. I feel like a prophet with all the mush in my head stewing right now.. and I'll explain how it all came to be...

See, about 4am, I go lie down to sleep.. I have a horrible case of Deja Vu.. like I'd dremt the whole thing.. I then flashed to me writing and all these ideas started springing forth into my mind.. all these things I could write about.. but I didn't.. I had to go to bed... or so I thought.. So I lie in bed for about 4 hours... 8 am rolls around.. and I get frustrated.. which is typical of me in the morning (I'm anything but a morning person).. So I start thinking about what I want to write.. and to be honest, latly, I really havent had the urge to write.. My sleep pattern is alllll kinds of fucked up.. go to bed at 10am, wake up at 9pm, got back to bed at 4 wake up at noon, stay up 24 hours, go to bed at 6pm the next day, wake up at midnight, go back to bed at 9am.. and the cycle continues.. and this has been going on for about two weeks now.. I feel like I'm slowly going insane.. all the while, Juggle my friends, family and my new addiction to my xbox and addarol...::sigh:: WTF is going on with me? Well it's helping my writing... I guess.. I seem to know what I want to express.. or at least it makes sense to me now.. proabbly not after I sleep a good night.. I'll go back and look on it and say WTF is this?!?! and either I'll love it or hate it...(Which is pretty typical for me)
So I say Poets of the world, Skip a night of sleep and sip coffee or red bulls (my choice) and write to your hearts content.. but don't get too serious until you really start getting edgy and tired.. and get that nausious feeling from ingesting too much sugar and not enough Z's... The finally go to sleep and then look back over it.. You might find that it helps... I know it helps me...

WTF? (I love that)

I am currently Bleh
I am listening to And the days go by.. Water flowing underground...

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More and more work..
09/13/2003 09:48 a.m.

As You know, I've been working alot on my stuff latly.. Well I went through my old stuff and found a ton of older work.. Proabbly stuff that I had written back when I was a member on Pathetic back in 99... I don't really have all the time in the world to just sit around and put it all in, so I'm going to just go through it and put up stuff that I really like... so expect to maybe see 2 or three poems..LOL... ::shrug:: what can I say? I hate my poetry.. I mean I used to think it was the bomb.. but the more I read it and work with it, the more I see that my back in the day work lacked essence.. Sure, it's an easy read, etc.. but I really didnt express myself like I try to now.. I dunno, maybe I'll just post them all in their own folder and let the people decide what sucks and whats good..
I am currently Excited
I am listening to the voices in my head still telling me to shut up...

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Rock on!!! Love is back in town...
09/13/2003 09:47 a.m.
Recently, I had the honor to talk to someone that I met off the internet a long time ago, well..about two years ago.. so it's not really that long..
Well, we fell out of touch and didnt really talk to each other.. but in these last two days of talking, it's like everything is back.. We had so much in common it's scary... to me anyways..I'm not really used to meeting someone who loves the same music, the same media, and even my warped sense of humor... Hell.. even addictions.. It's refreshing to think that even though someone could lose track of someone for a vast space of time, you can just wander back into a friendship and find all these new things about someone in just a matter of hours... Well I think we're up to about 10 hours of conversation so far.. but it still feels like there's a limitless amount to talk about.. Honestly, it's rare that someone can hold my intrest like that.. Most people bore me with thier sappy sadness, or thier moaning and bitching.. but Lin just grasps my mind and my heart in one hand and shakes the dice... I could go on for hours about her.. I'm really at a lack of what to tell you.. I don't want to intrude into the privacy of our relationship and share it with you all like it means nothing to share something with only one person.. but It's like a secret you wish you could share with the world, but were just too afraid to because it wouldn't be as special anymore. She's the only one I've really known that I could just spend hours hearing her voice and not get stale.. and the best part is, It's not sexual.. I love it! I look foreward to talking to her.. even right after I get off the phone..
I've been through this whole Long distance relationship thing before and it's always been a heartbreak.. but looking at this with a fresh mind and with a brave heart... I feel like I could do anything.. Like most of the soulmates in my life, I feel like she makes me a better person.. Someone who might just understand me for me.. Someone who might love me for who I am and who I might become... Someone who makes me want to strive for something more than just a kiss, lay and a goodbye. It always seems that when you become comfortable with being alone that someone comes into your life (again) and makes you want to change all of that (for the better). I truly think I could fall in love with this woman, head over heels type of love.. the kind that makes you giggle like a three year old being tickled... WTF? Look at me, I've already written all this.. and this is just off the top of my head... maybe that's a sign.. Maybe I'm too easily swayed in the area of romantic realtionships.. but when you meet someone where you can just be yourself.. where you can just open your mouth and let the words just spill out.. it's soooo refreshing.. I can't even do that with my best friends.. So I guess looking back on it all.. I guess they really arn't my best friends.. they might act it.. but they don't know my secrets like she does.. they don't know what I am under this skin of my exterior.. which is really sad to admit at this point in my life..but when you feel sort of alienated from your friends, it's strange to have someone come back into your life who reminds you of what honesty and trust are really all about. I've been so wrapped up in all of this, I barely have had time to think about the other stuff in my life.. as her too.. and I feel like that If gone unchecked it would complicate things.. So I've really kept a watchful eye on both of us.. making sure we just don't drop everything in our lives at the chance of someone who really loves us. As the saying goes, If you eat all the pizza, you won't have breakfast in the fridge (thats me)... I'm sure you'll hear more about Lyndsey in the future... as she really has me inspired about love and myself... It's soo rare for me to think about soulmates again after the tragic relationships I've had in the past.. How to look foreward to talking to someone..and meeting them in real life.. I just hope that I'm not setting myself up for another heartbreak.. but then again.. It'd proabbly help my crappy writing out with more depressing looks into my life... only time will tell..






I am currently Excited
I am listening to the voices in my head telling me to shut up

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A little more from me...
09/09/2003 11:07 a.m.
You know, I'm not one to really write alot in here.. maybe thats for personal reasons... I really dont see the point in writing in here since no one reads all these ramblings.. but you know what? I've kinda given up caring about people reading my work anymore.. It doesnt seem like it's that worthy of being wasted on paper, so it ends up here... and I dont mean that in a bad way, per say, I just mean it in a sense that...I'm doing this for me. I'm not greedy... I just don't see how my writing is going to help you with your problems.. it sure helps me.. gets them off of my mind.. so I can rediscover them later..and maybe laugh..cry..get angry at myself..whatever..
maybe if I keep this pure..to myself...then someone, someday will see a glimpse of me in here.. in this room, in this life... with all my horrors and hero's...
Maybe one day, people will want to read my work.. Im not holding my breath or anything.. but maybe...
I came up with a title for my poetry book.. a couple acually.. I'll share them..

A best seller when Im dead...that was my first choice.. but I figured I'd have to die to make any money off it...

A dream journal for the waking world... that was another one I came up with a while ago... but I'd have to be dreaming to sell that one...

Howabout The Bible of Babble? I like that one.. since it seems about the only writing I do well is this incoherent babble that runs from my fingertips...

Maybe one day I'll figure out what the hell I plan to do with all this... Maybe not... but it's all here for me to discover a long time from now...maybe you'll see me there..
or maybe not.

I am currently Anxious
I am listening to the ringing in my ears

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Punch drunk love...
09/09/2003 11:00 a.m.
I just watched the movie punch drunk love... and I realised that if you listened to what people say about a movie, you would never see anything good out there.
I herd alot of negative things about it and after seeing it, I kinda wanna go out and kick thier ass... You ever have a movie that just reached in and touched your heart? I mean, made you feel something that only a good movie could? Sure, it's a weird movie.. not your typical Sandler moron movie... but it gives you a glimpse into someone's life.. a life that might be alot like yours.. something that makes you feel like your not alone in this mudball of insanity... Yeah well, none the less the movie was awesome... not to mention, it makes you feel like if you think you have problems finding love, think again. It reminds me alot of What dreams may come... the message of hope... and thats a powerful thing in this world.. Hope. It's something everyone should have, but we overlook it alot more than expected. I saw a few pieces of myself in that character.. even laughed out loud when he apologised for 'Beating up the bathroom'... It's rare when something like a movie can reach in and really make me laugh..
I highly suggest you check this one out tho, even if you've herd bad things... It might just touch you as much as it did me.. you might even notice the awesome cinemaphotography..(if I spelled that right) they did an awesome job with the contrasts, as well as the music.. and thats rare these days..

P.s. Film critics suck ass...I think the next person who tells me a movie sucks is getting a mouth full of soap, courtesy of me....bastards. Why am I so gullible?
I am currently Amazed
I am listening to Silence...It helps me think...

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I don't know anymore...
09/05/2003 06:28 a.m.
I look around... and my friends and family are dying... Not the romantic death we all could wish for.. but a slow painful death, that life seems to dish out on a daily basis... I was depressed at first...at a lack for what to do or say... but now, I just dont know anymore... I love these people with all my heart.. but I can't just give up on love... I tried to talk to them about the situation, but it seems it just makes it worse.. I try to convey how I feel, but it just shows me how empty I will be without these people in my life. I could lose a thousand friends over a lifetime to deception, theft and lies.. but it would never amount to the one person who dies. At least when someone ruins a friendship, you know they are still alive.. still around... maybe not talking..but there. Then you lose someone, and you can never say goodbye again.. you only get that one chance.. and it's final. I just dont know. I want to be happy, the pain will be over soon, no more doctors, no more pins and needles.. but I know I have to enjoy this time... without my heart present...for it's already strained under the situation...and a another loss won't break me.. but I will never heal from the scar.

I guess this is why life has been bringing back friends from the past... Just so I know there are still people here who I love and cherish, yet I know they don't know of the situation... I don't know if I should confess these feelings of hopelessness, or just say 'I'm fine'
::sigh:: You spend your whole life just hanging on to the things you love.. only to lose them... but in the act of losing them, you learn what's important.. the moments you get the cherish with them.. those imaculate moments where you both laugh...and cry... in the same conversation.

To those of you.. I love you...unless you wan't me to lie to you... and just leave it at You're my friend..and always will be.

I am currently Angry
I am listening to silence.

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Ahhhh,, it's so nice to have a working computer....
08/29/2003 04:51 a.m.
Well after about 5 years.. I finally have a working computer and a nice connection... So it finally looks like I'll be able to do alot of work on here.. I think I've already filled up 1/2 my 80 gigs with music now.. So I've got plenty of time to jam and hook my stuff up here...
So you'll see alllllloooottt of work appearing here in the next month or so.. and if you're acually reading these.. Drop me a line... I feel like I'm just talking to myself in here..

Lost for a ending... Par usual..

A
"How yuu doen??"
I am currently Creative
I am listening to Blue gender Adult Swim (rocks)

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Back from the fringe...
08/14/2003 03:08 a.m.
Well I finally got a working computer... So it looks I'll be taking some downtime to get my work back in order...
In the next couple of weeks, I'll be importing a bunch of work from books and media.. So expect to see about 500 pages of work to show up here within the end of the month...
proabbly after that, I'll just start editing my work again... Hopefuly, all this work will inspire me to get back to my writing roots...

We'll see...

Actions speak louder than words...
I am currently Affectionate
I am listening to Sweet home Alabama by Lynyrd Skynyrd

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Madness, I tell you... MADNESS!!!!
07/21/2003 03:26 p.m.
You know.. I feel as tho I've had a nervous breakdown... but for some reason, it feels good to be crazy...

A thousand thoughts running through my head at a breakneck speed all on course for thier destination. Maybe this is a side effect of having ADD... well... other than not being able to spell thier or is it, their? like it matters... well maybe to you it does.. enough about you... lets get back to me.

I've learned so many new/old lessons again, comming back home... It seems that I'm always best out of my element.
Take me away from my home town and I can get my shit in order... but take me back to old dependable home and I'm a different person. A no one that everyone knows.

Well I've done the moves from Norfolk to Snowshoe and back to Virginia beach.... I've delt with the drama in my family... I've delt with the drama's in my circle of friends.. not to mention the one's I came back to after snowshoe..and it's all taught me the lesson..
Do for yourself... No one else is going to help you, hell.. it'll be a joke to see how far you can fall... that's how crackheads are made.

I've had to walk 15 miles home at 6am.. just because I didnt want to bother anyone... my left foot is still killing me... that taught me the lesson about being able to depend on yourself and others...

I've learned that lovers can try to burn you twice in a long going conversation I've been having with an ex of mine.. I broke it off 10 years ago.. and she kept popping back up.. and to be honest, I wanted to see how the last decade had gone.. it was nice to refresh.. then to realize that we're not refreshing.. we're just rehashing... It's the same old shit, no matter how you shuffle it in with the papers of age and years. Just let the past be the past.. even if some people can't let the past go.

I've learned that you can never go home. Speaking of that metaphore.. I've learned what that really means.
You can go back to where you grew up.. but it's not the same.. It might smell the same, it mike even look the same.. but those are just that.. Memories.. cherish them, but don't live in them. Don't waste our time here.

I've learned to love the beginning of a relationship with someone.. that whole tense moment waiting to see what the other person will say... those still tender moments that pop in before even being able to think about foreplay. Those times when you just don't know. It's alot better than old and busted ass drama waiting on the other end of your cell phone while your stuck in traffic. It's like a breath of fresh air. What makes it so new? Proabbly the knowledge that you can't get hurt. You may like someone.. but until you really sit down and vest your best intrests in the relationship, you're free to be yourself. Or maybe someone else if that's your bag.

Madness.. the point of this entry..
I feel like I am insane.. all these thoughts running through my brain.. Who do I pick? What do I like?
Is it worth all this time here to have to ramble on to no one? Proabbly not. But for some tender moment.. you see what I am.. or at least how I think. Like that's worth your time.. but maybe when I go off and do something stupid you all will be looking at my shit.. CNN will be doing an expose about my criminal writings here on P.O....wouldnt that be a fucking crock? I mean what the fuck? Do I have to always do bad things to get attention? That's what it really seems like in this universe.. I mean fuck.. Look at Eminem.. just say fuck your mom a couple hundered times and then drop the finger to the camera's and next thing you know the media is so pissed off they wanna put him up on the page to get more media in an uproar.. Great plan.
Sign me up...
I'll take 3 rifles, 2 arab kids and walk down to my local school around 2 o'clock with a box of shells and a grin on my face.

That's all america really responds to anymore.. Violence or scandal in the media. After two decades of having a rot box in front of us, showing us full frontal murder, then rock the system with a not guilty and blam! Media hype in the bank. We eat that shit up... A whole white nation tuned into what they wanted to call a "White bitch fucking, Football nigger murder" but got slapped in the face when they found he spent all his money not to go to jail.. just to have him move to the whitepower nazi state itself.. Florida. Irony is great. Wanna know how I feel? Fuck OJ.. and fuck you for tuning into that yearlong bullshitfest on TV... Worse than rubberneckers.. People who delight in the degradation of other people.. worse than fuckin nazi's.. and there's a whole nation of them tuning in right now to see someone ram thier car into a telephone pole while being chased by the cops with camera's..I've learned how much I love and hate the media at the same time. They've brainwashed us all into this pistol whipped daze about good and evil...who should die and live... who goes to jail.. and who goes free.

The lesson I've learned out of all of this still leaves me conflicted.. as I'm sure you are after wasting 20 minutes reading my babble..

Live it love it.. it's all you got..
Afterlife? Care to bet it all on a longshot?

You can't save or change the world...
unless you want to make money on making it worse.

and I think too much. proabbly talk to much too.. Don't worry...That whole thing will stop right about now.



I am currently Melancholy
I am listening to Assholes outside with jackhammers at 8am

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