New job...
10/29/2003 09:53 p.m.
Well I got the new job I was hoping for at a swank fondu place.. it's really overwhelming tho.. Our wine list alone is just under 6 pages.. So none the less, I've been getting a taste in culture and wine, so I don't seem so out of place. I'm really not a huge fan of wine, but it kinda grew on me today the subculture of wine lovers out there.. I mean for someone to spend 800 dollars on a bottle of wine, is beyond me.. but hey, as long as they tip, I'm not going to complain. So I've been tasting wine all day, so none the less, I'm a little tired.. I've not been sleeping well the last couple of days.. Just stress I guess.. Worried about money and all.. Waiting to be able to serve so I can start putting some change back in my pocket... being broke should be inspirational for writing.. but I think it has an oppisite effect on me. Kinda just sucks the life out of you when you know that you have to make your own fun.. and can't spend any money while doing it.. but I can't complain now.. at least I've got a great job that will provide me alot better money for what I'm good at doing. I should have been a salesman.. then again, I hate screwing people over... so maybe it's best that I stick with just making people happy.

Instead of getting a ride home from work today, I walked home.. it's not too far, proabbly like a 45 min walk.. it was great outside, so I walked my happy ass home... The walk was great.. until I walked up on a dead raccoon.. and it kidna struck me...
We walk through life, trying to clean out our minds of the idea of death.. until we just stumble upon it. Me personally, I'm not afriad of death.. I'd welcome some change in my meager existance.. maybe some peace from this grind of daily existance.. Where I wouldnt have to worry about my bills, what people do to me, or the ever question of when's the end? I'd just be happy to know there's something or someone on the other side of that door.. Sure, some people might be scared there's a demon or hell on the otherside.. but hey, if you live in fear, it's not living. Besides.. If your here, odds are you've already been through hell, or sometime soon are going to. So why sweat the small shit? Why worry about who said what about whom? Just be happy you're here. I'm sure there will be some draw backs to being on the otherside of that fence.
We worry so much... We do so much evil shit everyday.. not you persay, but you know what I mean.. We're so evil to someone... Speaking of evil people..You know what peeves me?
Say, your walking down the sidewalk.. You see someone approach you.. You nod, or say Hi.. and they don't acknowledge you.. be it for your race, how your dressed, whatever... They act like you're not even there.. WTF? What's a smile and a hello worth these days? I mean to me, it's alot.. I give them out daily to people I don't know.. It doesnt hurt me, or open me up to attacks.. It's just a nice thing to do..
So check this out.. I'm walking home.. I say Hello to this guy oncomming and passing.. And he gives me a look like I'm the asshole... He was indian/middle eastern.. and it instilled a rage in me.. that honestly, I'm still venting about.. Me? the asshole? I seriously wanted to turn around and just yell, Fuck you too buddy! But you know what? I did turn around and yelled.. HAVE A NICE DAY!

Just kill um with kindness... maybe then when you get to the other side, someone will return the favor.


I am currently Bleh
I am listening to The sounds of me yawning

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One of those days...
10/24/2003 05:37 p.m.
I hate when I get in a funk like this...
It's one of those days where you just wish you'd stayed in bed.. I feel sick to my stomach, but I couldn't resist getting out of bed.. It's so lovly outside and yet.. Im in my dungeon of a room, sitting here on the computer. Maybe it's for the best.. so I don't infect the happy would outside with my sour attitude. Speaking of which...I'm going back to bed.
I am currently Bleh

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A new job... blessing or curse?
10/24/2003 07:15 a.m.
I'm sure your wondering 'Why's he wearing a tie?!?'

Well I got a call wed. for this job I'd been lusting after for the last couple of months.. got hired on the spot at the interview.. might be cuz I was the only one wearing a dress shirt and tie for the interview.. I dunno..
I slept too.. which is unusal for me. Usually I'm wired the night before an interview.. espically one so important to me.
I had a nightmare tho.. really strange.. It was about me having a corporate job.. which for me, is a nightmare in itself... It was for McDonalds.. They had built this new building.. a really nice one at that.. with a spiral staircase running up the middle of the building.. So I walk up to the guy who had just hired me in the middle of the interior construction.. So I'm looking around and he's rattling on about how the building is smaller than they planned.. To me it looks huge.. people all around working.. Putting cubicles together, installing mainframes.. and then something strikes me.. He tells me he has to let me go.. without me even working a day... I'm kinda hurt, honestly.. It's been quite a few years since I've been fired..So I'm on the way of walking out.. when they are having a meeting in the hallway about the fries.. I walk up, and they are devouring the fries like a pack of wolves... I walk up, grab a handfull and stuff them into my mouth.. One of them yells, He doesnt work here! Spy!!!
I retort, the fries suck! They procede to chase me down the spiral ramp... I hop the rail to get a lead... as I jump the rail, I wake up.. still insulted about getting fired.

So I woke up early today..around 6am.. waited a little while and went and got breakfast.. then headed to my local TJMax and bought me a nice shirt.. Spent most of the morning getting ready for the interview at 12:30pm.. even tho I had taken a shower before bed, I took another one since my hair had its own agenda at that point.. Right before the interview I snapped a pic with my webcam, so I could show you the rare moment of me wearing a tie...

I came home, Psyched that I got the job.. then I went and talked to my Neighbor, Eleni.. a greek woman, who is becomming more and more a friend of mine.. very personable.. I explained the dream I had to her and she proceded to tell me that it was a reversal dream, since I was getting hired the next day... I agree with her in aspects, but I tend not to try and think of dreams like that.. since most of the times, my dreams have nothing to do with what's going on in my life. She's proabbly right tho.. I guess in place of being wired and worried, my mind let me get some sleep, but decided to switch up it's form of torment on me. Nice to have a change.. at least then I didn't look too tired for the interview.

Speaking of sleep.. I've been acaully on a somewhat regular schedule.. which is shocking for me.. It hasn't been since highschool that I've acaully woken up this early and been to bed this early.. heck, the only reason I'm up now is because I took a nap from around 8pm till 2am.. and acaully, I'm proabbly going to head back to bed.. I'm yawning my face off..

I am currently Happy
I am listening to Friends of P.- The Rentals

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What people think...
10/18/2003 12:43 a.m.
Well it seems a couple think I'm a cold hearted bastard now.. they think that I'm growing mean in my old age.. you know what? fuck them.. or you, if you're reading this..
I'm a very tender person.. I'm very lighthearted.. hell, I get misty over movies.. so fuck you for your gross misconception about me. I'm human.. so wtf?
You people see someone reinvent themselves.. and you yawn.. well I'll show you with my temporary tattoo! Fuck that.. just because something doesnt rhyme.. you don't like it.. fuck rhyming.. it sounds gay.. likes and dislikes are fading from view.. proabbly more into the dislike catagory right now.. but listen.. if anything to this...
I'm over writing suger coated pop icon established bullshit.. I'm over writing poems that rhyme.. get over it.. I'm still editing my old stuff..sore more rhyming crap will be there.. not like alot of you read my crap anyways.. I wouldn't suggest it, so why would I expect you to read it.. hell, I don't make my best friends read it.. unless they arn't my best friends.. then I torture them with it until they leave to go rob old ladies for bellybutton lint..
I'm trying something new.. so instead of just not reply'n or just closing the window, why don't you message me and tell me why it sucks.. I'm not used to doing this whole freeverse thing... and if I ever want to get anywhere.. it'd be nice to get some feedback.. even if you fucken hated it.. I have thick skin.. this place gave me that.. So bring it on.. you haters... but be warned.. don't be vauge.. tell me why it sucks.. LOL...

I am currently Affectionate
I am listening to Streets have no name- U2

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Exposure to new ideas...
10/17/2003 12:36 p.m.
Well I havent gotten much feedback about my new reinvention, but to be honest.. it's not for everyone.. I'm more or less writing what I see and feel now.. not writing something that's sugercoated and sweet to the palate anymore.. I'm doing something for myself for a change.. I'm over being the nice guy who bends over backwards to appease the people who say they love me and my work, but really.. they just love the illusionary image of me they have...
I love how now I can express myself alot better without having to come up with something that rhymes with the last line or stanza.. I like the freedom it gives me.. I don't know if I should even consider this poetry anymore, since I don't really even know the definition of poetry anymore after years of reading dribble and complaining...
I've been doing alot of reading on the web, alot at Smog.net.. I suggest you check out the site, really eye opening for alot of people.. enjoyable to the rest. I used to not like to read other people's writing.. afraid that it would infect me with their words and make me produce works like theirs.. but I have found.. in my old age.. it doesnt infect you.. it inspires you. Reading something is alot like eating something... You consume it, you make the most of it..and use it in your daily life. It's not going to infect you, or make you sick.. it's only going to hinder you for the time you take to consume it.. then.. comes the energy that only another can give..
When people read something it's set in stone.. it's been said.. it can never be resaid or retold, without that new taste to the tounge diminishing.. I like that new taste.. reminds me of childhood and the way the world smelled all fresh and new.. now.. I just smell gasoline fumes and decay..my.. how much difference 20 years makes..
I am currently Anxious
I am listening to the song of the wind through leaves

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Wow.. POTD...
10/16/2003 07:14 a.m.
Im shocked.. stunned.. to see my poem up the main page here.. Almost surreal.. if I wasent tripping, I'd say I was.. but none the less.. I spent the evening writing mainly.. which is a first really for me.. since I'm one of those snippet kinda writers can write a piece or two, but usually find other things to cccupy my time...
I came up with alot of work in my eyes.. I need to look at it tomorrow with a rested head.. maybe then I can cook a pie outta it or something.. come up with a dish best served cold.. I'll post it up on here.. as one big unedited file.. I am me...

maybe you'll like it.. maybe you won't..It's nothing groundbreaking..but it's in the NewWork dir I'm creating for this reinvnention..
I am currently Amazed
I am listening to Sarah Mac.. Possession

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Another cycle complete's itself...
10/15/2003 07:06 p.m.
Having to rewrite all these poems and works of mine in the last couple of weeks, I've really come to the conclusion that I need to reinvent myself... my poe has become rotten and past it's time.. this rhyme style that I have come to depend on to express myself.. I've never been one for writing freeverse works, but looking around I see it as the only poetry I reall respect... I read other people's work on here and it's fine... but when I look at my work, people tell me it's great.. but I see no greatness in it.. all I see is a couple of good lines and a massive pile of decrepit and wasted words and phrases..
I've spent so much of my time writing poe in a rhyming sense, that maybe it's over.. I mean if it's something that inspired me to write about, but doesnt inspire me to read... then what's the point? I like sharing my life with strangers, dont think that I don't.. but I want something that will make you shiver.. that will make you look at your friend and say, Man, you gotta read this!!
So in this.. I'm not writing anymore poetry for a while.. I'm going to continue to work on the older stuff and put it into the archives.. but as of now.. My rhyme days are over... I'm not a songwriter.. I was.. but apparently, not good at the follow through.. So I decline to fade, only to make my talent grow in some other way.. Sure I can rhyme cat and the hat.. but why? Only children love that musical style poet.. Me? I love the poet that gives you visions, makes you think... make you feel alive. I want that more than most.. and maybe.. just maybe.. I'll get there..

I am currently Anxious
I am listening to The sounds of rustling wind..

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The resurgence of an ex...
10/15/2003 03:10 p.m.
This must be a special month... this must be the month of memories and heartbreak... the month where you wish things in the past had never happend.. the month where memories come back to haunt your dreams and make you wake up in a cold sweat..
Two of my ex's have shown up out of the blue, to see how I've been doing... One of them, I had no problem talking to.. the other, well lets just say we never really settled the situation properly and just ended up with a mouthful of bitter words and a heart overburdened by the stress of a failed attempt at love...
After about 6 or 7 years, I finally got closure.. I didnt worry about it before... well other than the year after we went our seperate ways.. but I had forgotten all about her and what had happend.. My friend commented that it didn't seem like I was that hurt by the whole thing.. maybe I wasen't on the outside... but I know how I felt deep inside.. I never thought I'd be able to speak my mind so forceful, but it flowed like a river.. I never thought I'd push away a chance to rebuild a bridge.. but in the place Im in now.. in my life.. I don't need anymore liars in my life anymore.. I don't need someone who'd just break my heart without an explanation.. even when I asked for the explanation this time around..all I got was vaugeness and deception.. So it just made it easier to tell her to not go away angry.. but to just go away..
I never thought I'd be strong enough to push them away.. but sometimes your heart wants one thing, but your mind tells you the truth... and I listened and spoke...
I commend myself for that strength.. I think that things like that are sad to have to complete.. but when looking back on the past.. I feel it was the right thing to do.. Some nightmares are better off forgotten...
Of course it couldn't be the one that got away that emailed me.. Silvia.. Ahh.. I feel like chasing amy when I look back on that relationship.. it was all my fault... but maybe thoughts like that are just better off forgotten too.. some people are better off without.

I am currently Alienated
I am listening to Raining in Baltimore by Counting crows

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Two months late is better than never, right?
10/14/2003 12:03 p.m.
Well I finally got my old HD transferred to the new computer, so I've finally been able to sit down and go through the old stuff and start reworking it.. I'll be throwing it all in the archives, since that makes it easier for me to find out whats missing and what's already there.. this will proabbly take me the better part of a month.. I began this, trying to get over my recent case of writers block.. I guess every artist goes through it now and again.. you need some time to regroup and reform.. take more little things from life.. otherwise it just gets stale, well your art and your life..

I am currently Anxious
I am listening to The pink noise of a fan..

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Hell of a week...
10/10/2003 05:41 a.m.
Well I wont really go into details.. but I've lost a close friend of mine this week.. just poof.. gone.. and the others? I find myself caring less and less.. I'd hate to say that it seems some people just drag you down like a brick in a sack full of puppies.. You try to work things out, but you know deep down.. the peace has been said and the paths have split a long time ago.. you just wanted to be blind, so you could maybe savor or yet salvage the relationship.. I prefer just losing someone tho.. you know it's final.. no bullshit.. goodbyes were said in a fraction of a second.. but with a bullshitter.. You know your going to bump into them.. even if you go across the world..at some point in life, they appear like a ghost..
Maybe thats why I like strangers so much..new stories, new drama, new life and love.. maybe.. but old friends, odds are you've herd the stories a hundred times.. did the same thing over and over like it was some sadistic downward spiral.. ahhh.. the fear of being alone I guess..
It's liberating to think that tho.. that you're alone.. Sure you have family, friends..but you can't take them with you.. unless maybe your a moron driving a minivan like a sportscar.. but still.. at that moment of impact..at that second of release.. you're alone.. sure there's an afterlife.. but unlike when you're born.. you go out alone.. on a personal quest.. which in all reality this life is as well.. Sure you can have bonds.. but someday they will break.. I dont mean this in a bad way.. it's the circle of life.. and the sooner you realize that maybe you need to get your center and not be addicted to other people's affection and attention, the besster off you will be prepared.
I used to be scare that I would never fall in love and meet that right person.. and deep down, i do feel that way.. I mean I've been so close to so many, only to have my self descructive traits come out and just throw it away out of a fear of really opening myself up to anyone that I love..there's only so many times you play a losing game before you start to question the rules....
Ahhh...anyways.. I've also found that sleeping at other people's house makes my dreams rock.. I've had some awesome dreams this last week or so.. and remember most of them... So when I wake up from this sleep depravation, I'll compose them to paper..
It's been hell of a week...
I am currently Tired
I am listening to Sarah Mac - Circle

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