I think Im just over it...
11/12/2003 08:56 a.m.
I try to be happy.. I try to carry on.. but deep down.. I'm just over it.. I'm over trying to impress people.. I'm over people feeling they can just toss in their two cents whenever I post something up here like they know me..
I guess I'm bitter right now.. It's been a shitty day.. shitty night.. and its only going to get better... cuz I'm going to sleep.
I feel that sometimes no matter how depressed I get, if I just go crawl into bed.. it'll solve all of my problems.. at least for today.
I wish I was famout.. So I wouldnt have to worry about the everyday bullshit us common man put up with... NO worries about who said what, or when this or that bill is due.. or what the hell I'm gonna do with my life... I thought that being poor was the greatest thing on earth.. until I've been like that for the last 5 years. Now I'm just over it. I'm over the stress of a new job.. I'm over the stress of dealing with the bullshit that comes with it.
Arg! I hate myself like this.

fuck it... tomorrow's another day for my angst to play in.

let's hope tomorrow is better.

I am currently Angry

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Uninspired...
11/11/2003 07:32 a.m.
It's kinda sad.. looking over all these poems I've written.. all this time I've spent on them.. and not even really wanting to read them again.. I know these are my words.. I know how I've felt and thought.. but now.. I'm just so uninspired. I might have the romantic heart of a poet.. but I feel like I'm loosing my faith in love. I meet someone new, they open a door in me.. and as soon as that door opens.. a cold wind comes to slam the door back closed again...
This proverbial door I speak of.. Is my heart.. I think my trust issues with women, spawned by my mother and fathers relationship has left me with no real feelings about love.. I mean I adore love.. but really.. I don't know what it is.. It's a feeling.. nothing more.. I've loved many people in my life.. but my returns are always few..I might love a friend of mine.. but I expect to get shit upon at some point or another.. I know it's a pessimistic way to look at things, but it's pretty constant of a factor.
Depression... yeah, some people call it that.. I call it fuel for poetry.. I never want to write when I'm happy.. Im too busy being happy, besides.. the stuff I write when I'm all googly eyed and butterflied kissed in love is pathetic...not to mention it just reminds me later on how stupid I was to be like that with someone who didn't deserve that. So what do you do? Be in love with yourself. You might change.. but you're right there by your side.. unlike others who just come and go.. (No pun intended..well ok.. maybe)
You know, I must think about suicide at least once a month.. not like contemplate doing it, more of a question to myself... cuz I know I dont have the balls to run from my problems like that.. to leave all these people that are supposedly going to care if I'm gone.. fuck them.. they don't care now.. so I'm not killing myself off to spite them.. Hell.. I'd be doing it just to have a vacation from this mudball of insanity.... or maybe I'm just the one who's insane... quite the possibility with all the shit I've been through in my life.
Sad I can't sit down and have this conversation with someone other than to myself in a journal.. I wonder what you all must think of me, with my faceles words.. typed into a white page... you getting these little peeks into my mind... is it worth it? Proabbly not.. but at least when I make the 6 o'clock news.. you can be like.. Hey! I know that guy! He sure was crazy!
I guess everyone's lonly in this world.. even the people we think who have it all planned out.. they are proabbly the most lonly, acaully.. since they have to find solice in the actions of the everyday.. while some of us, like me.. Just live for the moment.. since my future looks so bleak.. Hell.. I proabbly should be locked up and away somewhere.. before I hurt myself or someone else.. but I don't think I could be pushed over that line.. I'm too much of a sympathetic pain person.. Hell, I wanted to be a vet when I was a kid.. but then I realized that I'd be dealing with dying animals all the time.. and I just can't deal with that kinda situation day in and day out..
So what's the point of this life? I ask... To find that one person that makes you complete? To have that one moment that defines your life and the rest of humanity? To dig your own hole? What?
A couple of days ago... I almost got into an accident in a friend of mines car.. for a split second I thought it was going to end.. neither of us had a seatbelt on.. and honestly.. I wasent afraid.. not in the slightest.. like it was an amusement ride.. I've been in that situation before.. usually I'm scared.. this time.. I knew.. it was going to be ok.. even if something bad did happen.. and as I said.. I wasent afraid.. I guess it's sad when you look at death as a vacation from this vocation of hell and heaven intermixed on the same plane.. but I guess I'm just open to all the options before me.. why be afraid of a choice when you've already made it? Why be afraid? Point blank.. Live it.. Love it.. it's you're time... so spend it.

and to think.. I can write all this.. but I can't think of a single good poem to write.. what the hell?
I am currently Bleh
I am listening to :: shrug ::

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My problem
11/10/2003 06:21 a.m.
You know when you look deep into your lovers eyes and see a million things going on at once.. but then you ask what they are thinking.. and they say 'I dunno..?'.. You get stuck wondering where's the communication? If you ask me what I'm thinking... I'd tell you how beautiful you are, how good you smell.. how deep my emotions run for you..but I dare not reply back.. I dont know. If I tell you these feelings, they make you feel uncomfortable.. they make you uneasy.. like this person likes me way more than I like them... right? Like I've been hurt before and know what it's like to wake up with nothing... even you...and I dont want to go back..to knowing what it's like to miss someone so bad, you wish you were dead. So Keep a comfortable distance.. with you I dont knows.. Maybe I do love too much.. someone who shares things in common with me.. Maybe I do think to much about something that involves my heart.. Maybe. But you know what? Take it or leave it. It's me. I'm a loving person with a whole lot of pent up love to give.. I've been jerked around, Jacked off, stepped on, shit on.. and I'm still here laughing.
People need to learn how to express themselves in words other than I dont know.. I might be a poet and a writer.. but these are words even the common wo/man can embrace...
Let's forget about the Blah blah blah's and the I don't knows and speak from the heart for once.. It might do us some good to get that love out.
I am currently Puzzled

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And another thing...
11/07/2003 10:21 p.m.
I'm happy... rare.. I know..
But I think happiness is here..
Lingering right around the corner
I don't know what he's got in store
but I only hope she brings more..

I feel the weight upon me, as your shaking off the cold
so I won't ever steal anything that has been sold
I'll speak to you about my heart, if you don't mind the time
I'll tell you every word in my heart.. and show you page by line..
You might not understand me now, buy you'll hear about me later..
that it seems another thing will bite yah like a gator..

And another thing...

I am currently Affectionate
I am listening to Dear Abby by John Prime

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Something to believe in...
11/07/2003 10:09 p.m.
Well I spent the better part of the night with myself thinking about how do I raise the bar when it comes to poetry?
Speaking in subtitled mini verses,
Running around inside my head...
Wishing that I knew all the questions,
not all of the answers instead..
I know what people like to read,
and know what I have to say..
But I don't think I'll ever be able
to go about it that way.
So from now on out I make this decree, I'm taking a vow of spouting poetry...
Poet's have known this long and far, as one day, you might see..
{in your car}..

Spouting poetry while walking down the road,
helps you quickly forget about your heavy load...
Maybe this little piece of me..
will help to set you free..

Now I can't take this with me into my real world..
because I might taint all the boy's and girls...
I'd rant and ramble at the table and no one would get me..
but then again, it might make them unable to forget me...
So I'll sit down here.. and make my point as clear..
that I've found something to believe in..

I met her in a past lifetime I'm sure..
and she's bound to have my cure..
I know it might sound silly..for this old hillbilly
to know the difference in what to believe in.

So I took a vow, to myself and to the world
I look around now, and see the thoughts I've hurled
but I know out of anything that's better than sin
is having a life with something to believe in.

Now, You might not understand, upon this I must do..
but after you understand, it'll be like you always knew.
It'll come to you easy, like a winter sunday morning...
and to you my friends, I only have one warning..

Be yourself and express is daily and proudly
whisper it,
holar it,
even say it loudly
that it all begins within
when you've got something to believe in.


I am currently Cheerful
I am listening to Please don't bury me - John Prine

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I love my brain...
11/06/2003 10:06 p.m.
I was sitting in the bathtub tonight... as a song came creeping into my mind... That's the way the world go around.. So I went onto Kazaa... and found out who it was...John Prine...He's a folk singer... he has some awesome songs.. Mainly Christmas in Prison, Hobo song, Fish and Whistle,and That's the way the world goes round but these are all songs from my childhood that I loved very much..

Now this is a song from my childhood that my Father used to play all the time... I didn't know who did the song, so I spent a good 15 minutes or so searching for it.. and then it popped up... John Prine... he's more of a folk singer... Now I haven't been much one into folk music or country.. even tho I was raised on it.. but listening to that song just made my year.. it so reminds me of being a kid.. and the love I have for my dad and his taste in music... I guess sometimes you need little reminders of things like this to make your life better.. I can remember vividly my dad driving this tan little pickup truck and me sitting in the back of it with a kite going to Mount Trashmore (yes, it's a real place in Virginia beach..and me letting the kite fly a little off the back of the truck as we drove down the road... Ha.. being a kid.. man... I miss those days sometimes..

I think the human race would have killed itself off long ago if it wasent for music and all that it represents..and how it can do just what it did to me tonight.. Make me remember a time when life was new.. not bitter.. a time when it was innocent.. not tainted by the facts of everyday life... I highly suggest you check out John Prine.. even go buy the Bruised Orange ablum/cd/tape... It's a worthy cause.. it might even remind you a little about something you long forgot.. I know it did for me.

I am currently Better
I am listening to Fish and Whistle by John Prine

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And yet... another day...
11/06/2003 07:27 p.m.
Hmmm.. Where to begin...

You ever feel like your heart is pulled in a thousand different directions at once? Like your head is swimming in a sea of boiling water... and you're not sure of what to do?

I do.

You ever feel like you know what the right choice is, but for some reason... You're still afraid to admit that you'd be right for once to pick it?

I do.

You ever wish that things could just be cut and dry? Just simple little tasks, where you make the right descision and then you know everything is ok?

I do.

You ever feel that because you are lonly.. you fall in love too easily with the person who seems to be the most like you and common words seem like poetry...

I do.

What I don't feel is remourse.. I think I deserve someone to love.. I'm not sure if it's the right time or place though.. but I hope...make that wish... that it is... I'm so tired of looking around at people who'd love to be with me and seeing an empty hole that I'm supposed to fill.. I'm distended with pain over the lack of companionship these last 6 months... and how it seems the people I've loved have faded from my life, save a few people that I will always love and cherish.. mainly people who put up with me.. and my personal luggage of pain and sacrifice. I feel sometimes I fall head over heels too easily for someone.. without getting to know the stranger inside of them.. I try to hold myself back.. but I am the simpleton who thinks that you should love like you've never been hurt before.. why shouldn't you? You deserve love.. You deserve to be snuggled in the midnight hour... You deserve to be you without fear of thinking you might be rejected for what you love and cherish. Ahhhhh... and all this in the first 2 hours of being awake... I have a feeling this is going to be a long day.


I am currently Better
I am listening to the song of the wind through leaves

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What I've realized about love..
11/04/2003 09:26 a.m.
Forgive my spelling.. I'm a little toasty..

I've just been burned by someone I thought I knew.. Nothing new really.. Hell at this point.. I should expect it.

But its made me question what I find attractive in the oppisite sex... I used to think that it was personality.. yeah, well that helps.. but I can look at someone and think that I could spend my life with them.. just by a picture.. I could fall in love with just a glance.. maybe I just lonly.. maybe I've just decided I'm better off alone..(Which I proabbly am with all my emotional baggage of being fucked over and abandoned) but I do wish to love.. I just don't know how to go about doing it.

I want to be the headstrong male who says to the world.. Fuck you. I don't need your pity or love.. Fuck you.. I only need myself... but we all know that's a lie. Well at least I do. I need someone in my life.. I need someone honest.. I need someone who's going to love me in spite of myself.. and yet.. I just screw myself over in trusting people who really.. don't deserve my love and affection.

I hear people bitch about love all the time.. How they can't find the right person, how they can't be treated right.. how they just are afraid... I'm afraid.. I'm afraid of finding the right person.. then my whole life would change.. I wouldnt be sitting home alone on a friday night hoping someone would call..for once. I'd be happy to know I could just snuggle the night away in her arms.. Happy... for once.

I speak openly right now.. just because I'm not afraid of what you think.. hell.. I'm not even afraid of what I think anymore.. I know I have true intentions.. but I just feel that maybe I don't deserve someone to love at this point... Sure you see a cute face and a smile.. but it lies deeper than that.. I'm a lake that runs fathoms deep.. and as they say.. Still waters run deep..
I may be calm on the surface, but there are fast running currents beneath this calm demeanor.. there are immaculate emotions running beneath this skin...
Maybe she doesn't need to know this.. Maybe she wouldn't understand my love.. Maybe.

It's always a fucking maybe... I want something definite..
Maybe I should just lose my sanity like a set of car keys.. then maybe I could love myself for letting go of a foolish image of trying to find someone who understands me.
Sure.. You might say you love me.. But fuck you.. Your actions speak like thunder compared to the hollow raindrops of your words.

I thought a few days ago, I should just take a vow of poetry.. just spout prose in everyday conversations.. but then I figured they'd lock me away.. and hell.. I figure at this point.. that'd be nice...

Depends on what you consider freedom...
I am currently Bleh

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The weekends over... go back to work.
11/02/2003 10:26 p.m.
Well.. I survived my halloweeen weekend.. thank god.

I didnt really do anything.. save hang out with some friends last night and sing some songs around a campfire..
I missed out on a great party by trusting someone was going to do what they said.. hence.. lesson learned..

I have alot to do this week, so don't expect too much from me.. I'll know how things work out with the job in the next few days. So we'll see if Im going to be happy.. or just be the starving artist I'm used to being.

I had some awesome dreams sleeping over Neil and Liz's house.. so maybe I'll post them up in the dream journal.. we'll see.
I am currently Bleh
I am listening to Billy Joel

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Halloween....and history...
10/31/2003 10:37 p.m.
I hate halloween.. Not because of what it represents.. It just reminds me of the day after.. the day my uncle died... I knew him since I was a little kid.. and it was the day after that he died.. it's been like 5 years... but the sting still doesn't go away. I miss him...

So anyways. I'm sure you don't want to hear all about that.

I've been throwing around some ideas about projects.. but I don't have much time as it is right now.. Looking at it all, work mainly.. I should get alot more time when I can relax a little about work.. There's alot to read and remember.. so after I get done and start making money.. I'll be able to set aside more time for my writing.. I've come up with a ton of new ideas.. but I'm really uninpired to write right now... I have been spending more time reading other people's poems than writing my own.. maybe after I get to smoke I'll be able to brainstorm some new stuff...

back to my day... It's been a bad one...
I woke up at noon, since I took today off.. I was dreaming I was in a room with two naked women.. and I was looking at a porn magazine... I knew they were naked, but I wanted to look at the porn mag.. I woke up, thinking what the hell? Even in my dreams, I can't get lucky with something other than a magazine.. Sheesh.

I found out I typo'd when I was ordering my new shoes.. So I had to deal with the company.. and someone was spose to call me back... but she never called.. So looks like I wont get my new shoes from FedEx as soon as I wanted... Im really pissed about that at myself.. I need those shoes for work.. but hopefully they will let me skate by...
Speaking of work.. I've been going through training all week.. and they mentioned they needed two people.. So I sent in one of my friends.. and they acted like a cock to her.. WTF? This job makes me feel uneasy.. I don't know why... I guess I always feel that way when I'm in a new situation and don't really know anyone there..
I dunno.. people seem so two faced to me. It makes me wonder how these people survive...

and now I have a headache.. Happy Halloween.. lets hope my night is better than my day.

I am currently Lazy
I am listening to Sheep go to heaven by Cake

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