Ahh the web we weave...
11/20/2003 10:05 a.m.
I dont know anymore... I thought I did.. but I tried to forget the lies I was taught...

I make friends easily, since easy come.. easy go.. I've kept a short leash on my love life.. since it's only caused me torment in the future... I thought I could love at the drop of a hat.. but reality came in and kicked the shit outta my heart for being too honest. Not to mention, slapped me across my sandpaper face to wake me up to reality.. a fucked up reality that involves people who don't think like I do, who don't solve problems.. just complain... Slap me again.. I need a refresher course of my youth.. make me gasp to think that you'd acually strike out.. even tho you said you told me about your horrible temper.

You ever tell someone the truth.. and it makes them cry? Doesnt that just fuck you all up? I mean you try and be honest with someone.. but honesty is not what they need.. they need tough love.. suck it up soldier! Walk it off! but you can't be like that.. then you're being a 'Jerk'..
I'm not a fan of drama.. I'm pretty f'n cut & clean kinda guy.. I found it makes for no regrets... also reel's in the best of friends.. Everyone wants the freedom to do or say what they want.. but there's a price with this freedom.. it's offending the other 99% of the population. Fuck um.. Be your own social butterfly.. don't live for the past.. LIVE FOR THE NOW! and do it NOW while you're at it.

Cuz you're living in the past BABY!

Ahh.. I feel better now...


I am currently Affectionate
I am listening to The sound of wind on candleflame..romantic, isnt it?

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Wow, what a day..
11/20/2003 03:16 a.m.
I just typed for about 30 mins about my day... but lost it all.. so I sent a hasty comment to Sally..hopefully they will fix that bug in Pathetic... Ahhh...

Well got to see my dad today.. it was great.. we even sang a song together.. Thats the way the world goes around by John Prine.. get this song.. worth the time. =) So we did some errands and stuff.. then he had to go.. but hopefully we'll be able to spend some more time together soon..

It was the best 3 hours I've spent in a long time.. even though it was awkward... a little.. =)

I love him.. he's my dad..
I am currently Happy
I am listening to You enjoy myself by Phish (A live one)

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For those of you who don't know...
11/19/2003 07:58 p.m.
My dad's a truck driver.. He drives alot of miles in a month.. and happens to be living in Mississipi with his wife.. So I haven't seen him in like... oh... 3 years.. or so.. so he got a delivery to Virginia Beach by chance and I get to see him..
Honestly, I'm nervous.. I really haven't had much time to think about it and all.. I haven't really talked to him that much these last couple of months.. and I mean, well.. I didn't plan on seeing him...But pow! life just socks you in the jaw sometimes and makes you do things you didn't plan..
He was supposed to come up thanksgiving, but things didnt seem to be working out, so I was planning on seeing him in December.. It just seemed so far away. I just put it in the back of my mind..
I guess things will work out for the best, no matter what I do or worry about.. I mean after all, how screwed up can it be?

I'll keep you updated.
I am currently Anxious
I am listening to Loverboy - Billy Ocean (80's kick)

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I got an email today...
11/18/2003 03:19 a.m.
I got a message from a close friend of mine who'd said she'd been reading my journal and was there for me if I needed someone to talk to... I thought it really was sweet that someone actually sent me an email.. much less read my rant on in here..

People.. Let me just say this.. these are my internal thoughts.. I don’t think about them, and sadly.. I don’t reedit and re-interrogate.. if that’s how you spell it..

but please.. don't have me locked up just because I go on a rant about politics or my so-called-love life..

I mean, I know I’m crazy.. but not bad crazy.. not like I’m going to hurt someone crazy.. I might talk about it a bit.. but fuck man.. I can't hurt anyone else, much less myself..
Well.. Unless someone can press the action button on me.. but that's rare.. I've made it 28 years without someone really being able to tap that button into rage mode...

I entered this journal trying to mention that..

I've found in my time on this planet.. that sleep is the cure all for most things.. You might be sad, depressed, lonely.. but when you wake up.. You feel better.. like it's a new day.. not just a continuation on of the day before..
Like if you didn’t conquer the world yesterday, this is the day you could achieve it.. (Whoa.. let me simmer down now)
but really..I look at my words from the last couple of days.. and I woke up feeling great.. mind you it was like 8:30 in the PM when I woke.. but still Cup of coffee and a bowl pack later. I’m psyched... almost like I could write.. or even worse...edit..

Someone also asked me why I haven’t been writing much lately..
I dunno.. it's not writers block.. it's more of something that I'm tired of pouring my feelings out on pages when they don't hold firm ground.. all on suspicion.. So I wait for the actions of others to inspire me.. at least for now.. I just need some time before I want to tackle a new writing style.. time to cumulate my thoughts into stable realms before I start ranting on paper about humans and their errors...

You know, that tells me something right there though.. I'm afraid of what someone might think if they turn out one way and then they don't then I'd have written all this work about them.. showing who I thought they were and then I'd feel bad... I mean.. I just write what I see.. and I'm not always right about someone.. but honestly. I do nail it down on about 90% of the people...

Actually, I've found people I get into arguments with, I'd really get along with.. So if someone wants to argue then, it's almost like a sign they aren't weak.. not to lie down to someone else's way of thinking.. So it's not always a bad thing..

I just don't want to write about my feelings when I'm so conflicted about multiple things.. my brain feels like mush when it comes to writing.. I could spend all this time writing and editing.. but to be honest.. I'd rather do something else.. Soak in the tub, take a nap.. go outside...get a job... shit...


I am currently Amazed
I am listening to Aphrodite - Woman that rolls

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Jungle Brother....
11/18/2003 03:05 a.m.
Sounds racist doesnt it? I thought so when I first herd the song... but honestly.. it's a whole subculture of music.. You might not know.. but Jungle Brother is a term to people who like Jungle beats.. Darker the better..
and I agree.. I love jungle.. espically loud dark jungle.. but I was thinking about what the song way saying..

Through times of change, you have to be strong.. things change everyday.. and just because something changes doenst always make it a bad change.. Losing friends.. it's bound to happen.. friends will come and go.. and not always under bad situations or harsh words...So deal with the loss as best you can.. find a replacement other then drugs and xbox live.. Falso prophets will charge you 75 dollars for some couch time, but the answer always lies within your mind.. You don't need a shrink, you need friends who think. People to inspire you, people to keep you grounded... People to desire you..and into you, all of this is compounded. For the layers to someone' soul are more divers than the planet itself.. So don't try and keep all that love to yourself.

I wish you all the best through your trials and tribulations.. lord knows we have a ton to go...


I am currently Better
I am listening to Aphrodite remix - Jungle Brother

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and today is?
11/17/2003 01:55 a.m.
Hang over day... I drank on an empty stomach last night and then didnt rehydrate myselt..So needless to day, I've been couchbound... pretty lazy day.. but for some odd reason, I was even inspired to write a rhyming poem.. I was like wow... then again, for being so uninspired, I dont really care... I'm just not in the mood to write poems much latly.. proabbly because Im just tired of finding something else I produce that I don't like..

maybe I'm just better off rambling...


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When the musics over....
11/16/2003 10:09 a.m.
Have you ever been with someone romantically, and you just know it's over? Like the feelings gone.. but you just don't want to admit it? Like you really could love someone, but because they can't open up, or tell you how they really feel, you just see them as frustrating? Almost like you'd rather just avoid that person than deal with the,.... No? Yeah... neither have I... uh...


I am currently Bleh
I am listening to Angels by ATB

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Rock the cradle of love...and other flashbacks..
11/15/2003 03:22 p.m.
I dont know how old you are, but you'll find this more and more as you go down the road... that certain songs will symbolize and crystalize a point in time of your life.. well... if you think of music like that... like when it came out, when it dominated the radio, when it was every other video on MTV... you'll see these in passing, not even like the song... but wait a decade.. and hell.. it's a friggen classic.. You should just look back through billboard.. you'll see songs littering the wayside of your memory, stuck in a car.. singing along to the song you hate.. but in time, it'll dissapate, then you'll relate that point of fate.. Strange that something you once despised could be the song of your favorite mental breakdown about your wasted youth.... Ahhh.. the joy's of music... the heartbreaks it reminds you everytime you sing the words to wish you were here... The angst of childhood that rock the cradle of love and Are you gonna go my way.. and for the newbies, Fly away... Maybe I'm just mentioning these pop icons to signify that moment for you.. What song was playing when you herd about 9-11? I was listening to Don Mclean.. American Pie.. and I thought they were joking about having to turn on the television.... Ahhh.. these moments sometimes hold irony.. Like lisening to Clean by depeche mode going to score some drugs... or Bob Marley when you quit smoking weed 3 years ago...
Music is a key to my mind.. it unlocks thoughts, emotions.. even fears... I love music.. without it I know I would be lost.. with it I get lost.. no matter the cost of time or effort, when I resort to my musical court.. None are guilty in this multitude of memories...

I am currently Awestruck
I am listening to Eyes without a face by B. Idol

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Stress? I think not.
11/14/2003 12:42 p.m.
You know.. I've been doing alot of whining latly.. screw that.. and sorry I vented like that.. I guess I was just really stressed about this new job that I talked myself into loving when really.. it was a hell hole. The place was like 100 degrees.. and me being the big guy.. I was sweating it.. So anywho..

Someone mentioned to me that the more of my work they read the more they lived closer to me.. It really reminded me of how we feel about people we dont know but judge them by their work/art... I know this all too well jokingly telling my girlfriends that I'd drop cold is Sara Mc ever asked me to marry her..(yeah right) but it's true.. We all avert illsionary goodness to people we admire for something they do.. I know I admire the glassmaker who made the stained glass.. or the worker who put together my computer.. but I look at them still as normal people.. but say, someone who's cute, in the media all the time, sold as a sex symbol/artist/puppet... I do have to admit that I feel poetry being the one real untapped resource of humanity.. but hell.. anyone can write a poem...or at least call it a poem...at least we'd express something real than Hit me baby one more time... for a change..

back to superstars and their fancy cars.. they hype this person up to be so likable.. who knows? I mean when I met Henry Rollings, he was a dick.. but to be honest, You'd expect that from the lead singer of black flag... bummed me out that he wouldnt sign my poster.. but fuck.. Im just a nobody fan... and as he said quote "You don't want my autograph, I'm just a man"... yeah... a man with a songtalent that I admire.. but fuck man..that's not media hype, even tho he's been resorted to b-roles in A movies..
maybe karma does work in mysterous ways...

I wanted to be an actor when I was a kid.. I was always good at lying.. it's something the man taught me well... I don't lie anymore.. well.. not notoriously.. I can't liars.. mainly because I've been lied to for most of my life.. but I think we all have... I guess Im a liar tho.. I said I wouldnt be bitching... lol..

Well I wish you all a happy day.. wherever and whenever you are.. and dont look too deep into someone you dont know by what they produce.. they could be sick like me! =)


I am currently Giddy

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I'm thinking too much...
11/12/2003 10:09 a.m.
You ever lay down to go to sleep and then just find you cant? Maybe too many thoughts on your mind.. or you're just running from your dreams? Thats how I feel... Like I dont want to know whats in store for me after I close my eyes..
I came up with a nice rhyme tho...

Spill these words that you need...
show you all my latest 12 inch trick...
Fuck you twice, until you bleed
then hit you in the face with a brick..

I know it's not my style.. but I'm angry.. not to mention that joke got brought up in conversation tonight.. so it was lingering in the back of my head.. someone acually said it was an eminem lyric.. Is that so? Who cares.. rap is just a sample of dialect anyways.. I should be a rapper.. I could be the next great white hope... what a joke.

I think I'm too angry for my own good.. all this space madness and cabin fever creeping up on me.. You know.. I havent had an emotional breakdown yet.. maybe its time for a good cry and false suicide attempt.. that might just put me in the happy mindset to write those sappy love poems I see that keep making poem of the day. Maybe I should write a 5 line, hiku type ripoff poem that would woo the hearts of millions.. just because it lacks essence.. just because everyone can latch onto it and say.. Oooo.. look at that.. it's spiffy.

Arg. What's the deal with me? I get stressed, I get depressed, I'm a fucken mess.. and nothing less.

I feel helpless. Like I don't have a future.. or a past anymore.. Loosing my friends was the worst thing to happen to me in alot of senses.. It took away my grassroots system of denial.. Now Im just stuck with fake ass people who don't know me.. so I have to start back at square one.

I'm not completly hopeless.. I mean I still have Ricky, Tory, Michelle and Lindsey.. but fuck man.. these people are all ghosts to me. I don't mean it in a bad way.. but they arn't tangible. Not like Paul was. I guess this is just another lesson about myself that I'm having to go through.. learning what it's like to be alone in a world full of people. I think I know you.. but you go and prove me wrong.. time and time again.

I want to be like brian wilson.. just stay in my bed for a year.. so I guess in a sense, thank god I'm not famous.. or else you all wouldn't hear a word from me for months at a time. I'd just be held up in some room, smoking hash and calling for takeout.. at least then I'd be able to rest my weary mind for a change, instead of this pointless worry and contemplation about where I'm going to spend my time working. It's just fucked I tell you.. my whole life is like an onrunning joke for everyone to laugh at.. so laugh it up... the joke's gotta end sooner or later.

I am currently Alienated
I am listening to Little sister by Jewel

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