2 a.m. wakeup call
09/08/2003 01:48 a.m.
Everytime I think that I've drifted from you,
You call and make sure I know you're still there.
Always there, never here...

I'm praying that you won't come tonight because I know that I'll give in the moment before I even finish walking you to the bedroom.

Yes, I want you too.
I am currently Seductive
I am listening to Our CD

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Waiting...ever so unpatiently
09/02/2003 02:12 a.m.
April mourning skies
Like fireflies in July.
Bursting through the cluttered clouds
Little rays shinning at my feet.
Golden strands saturated with your stare.
Penetrating past.
I can't get over the way you looked into my eyes.
I feel nothing, a whole lot of nothing.
Numbess devouring the very last bits of my fragmented smile.


Last night I dreamt of you....
A moment when our eyes met with passion
You, whispering sweet nothings thinking I was asleep
But I heard, I heard everything.


Just waiting for the, ever so lovely quoted, "breathless wonder". I want to step into a room and get caught in a trance with someone's eyes. Unable to breathe while my heart skips to begin it's new beat, a beat that will follow with his. I want to fall into strong arms gazing into our future of walks by the riverside and waking up together. I want to feel for someone, and be felt for.
I am currently Giddy
I am listening to Edwin McCain "I'll Be"

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And the beat goes on....
08/26/2003 02:09 a.m.
A new year, a new class schedule, of coarse screwed up. A new attitude toawrds the dreary days still left uninhabited with a real smile. A new year to moan and groan of all the things left to be done, or all of the things left to be unfinished. All the lunch time gossip of some childish drama constantly occuring, and reoccuring for the next 45 minutes of my day. A new after school ativity to keep me from napping into the evening, preventing the middle of the night conversations. $50 for a freaking parking pass just to tote my ass back and forth for another 179 days. A new leaf, new grades, new seats, new friends, new heartbreak.

A new year means another year farther away from you.....
I am currently Indifferent
I am listening to "Saved by the bell" theme song

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Getting Older
08/17/2003 05:10 p.m.
*One day Mel and then you'll be a BIG girl!*

But me, I never wanted to grow a day after I turned sixteen. Hell I don't care if I couldn't go watch a rated R movie or get into the clubs....I just didn't want to grow up and become jaded. Because when the pain is over, that's what you are, jaded. And I really don't want to have to leave, to move away and go out into the "real world". Away from all of the things I know and the people I've come too close to, to leave without my heart tearing in two, or threes, and fours, and fractions of pieces split all over the place. (Get the scotch tape Mel) Somehow I'm determined to stay here, yet determined to get the hell out and the hell away from this place, that sometimes seems so foreign, so alien to me. And if I don't leave, they still are....so where to go from here, which path holds my destiny. Eghh screw it...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MELLISSA!!! =D

Scary things about getting older:
*college
*voting
*marriage
*having kids, raising kids, not being a kid too
*fear grows as you realize your mortality
*wrinkles, sagging, spider veins, strach marks
*taxes and other various paperwork
*deceased parents
*Losing childhood memmories, Alzheimer
*(I'm sure we'll think of more)

"When you're young, you have moments that it seems you're living in some place magical, like Atlantas must've been. But when you grow, your heart tears in two."
I am currently Scattered
I am listening to "Mommy, WOW, I'm a big kid now!"

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And the cell phone keeps ringing...
07/23/2003 06:09 p.m.
So, another night, another talk, another moment that I almost wish I was with you. I must admit, that I'm afraid of you, even now, with as much distance as we have between us. I'm more scared of you then ever....because it's now that we're not suppose to have these conversations, and it's now that you're not suppose to tell me that you miss me, and it's now, more than ever that I'm not suppose to miss you. So what's next? Will we ever be free from this cycle and connection, that even if we really did want to rid ourselves of it, we would? Egghh, I guess we'll find out when we hang out, or actually have "the talk". But the only problem is....we've discussed this, we decided not to indulge this fantasy, but we always come back here. And I always want to be here when I'm not. And I'll always wish for another day while saying to myself, "Oh God please not again." But you keep calling, and I pick up.

I miss you too.
I am currently Helpless
I am listening to Jewel "Grey Matter"

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Another hot tub frenzy
06/21/2003 06:13 a.m.
I'm unaware of the feelings brewing up inside me while staring in your blue eyes. Getting lost again.....and who would ever think blue? Me? With all of these browns where did you come from. I remember green....piercing through what unexperienced soul I had in those days, what bullshit....as if I'm "experienced" now. Jaded, yes, but from who, from where, from when, what was the exact placement. Eghhhh...forget it, this isn't going to work
It's forgotten, it's done. "Dead, done!" -Jeff(except he would never exclamatize anything)
I'm going back to Sam's club...tehe =)
I am currently Insecure
I am listening to john mayer "comfortable"

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::sniff.sniff::
06/06/2003 01:40 p.m.
Last night I dreamt of you...
Our eyes gazed, with satin kisses.
Those sad eyes always got in the way,
You're still breaking my heart.

But it wasn't a dream, and there were no kisses
Only your breath hinted with the scent of stale beer
But after the reoccurence of half-assed passion you seemed home, you seemed like you were back again. And we talked, of coarse about unpleasant things for my head to contemplate. But I felt relieved, after the feeling of overwhelming frustration and loneliness seeped through my porous sponge exterior. We were fine, I was fine, but the goodbye's leave me somehow left of the middle, back to tears. You always make me believe you in the end, trusting you, and falling into your scent. That smell....stuck on the tip of my nose, embedded into the parts of my skin you had caresssed. But on to other things..............nothing comes but you.


"...Unbreak my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt that you caused when you walked out the door and walked out of my life
Uncry these tears
I cried so many nights..."
I am currently Lovesick
I am listening to Unbreak my heart

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Something is always left unsaid
05/16/2003 07:50 p.m.
Last night I felt like walking, no reason, no ulterior motive that others were unaware of, I just got out of my car and started walking. It took me past all of the toads that would usually jump, but never did, and through these woods I've never seen, and then straight into your arms, or maybe just the imaginization of them. I felt so calm, so at peace, so complete, so warm...inside. And then I turned away and walked home alone. I went past every shriek or creak without ever looking back, I didn't jump when a cat rustled from the bushes, and I wasn't paranoid of the dark shawdows lurking between houses. And I was home, whole again.......
that was yesterday, and I thought I was better again, everything was changing back to being fine, normal, back to me, how I was before with that stupid girly smile. But now, I don't know, I just feel so lost from you. I'll never get over this, will I? I'll never get over you. And to think, that before I thought all I had to do was forget you. I still get lost in your eyes, and it seems that I can't live a day without you. I'm still lost in your vastness, in the pools of browns and pinks and sunless days when rain fell upon our kisses. There I said it, OUR.
I am currently Indifferent
I am listening to Michelle Branch "Goodbye To You"

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= z
05/12/2003 08:03 p.m.
BITTER??? What is wrong with you? Or, according to you, what is wrong with me? I really don't think that everything in my life is horrible or falling apart. I don't remember ever having this conversation with you, so where did you get off telling ME what I AM?! Oh forget it, it takes too much emotion to stay angry anyways, I just wanna lie low for a little while. Breathe in the air slowly and figure out my next steps....future, ahhh choosing my life's carreer, or at the moment college applications! GRRRR. Egh, too many things to do, too much time to get confused.
You know when a song that you've probably never heard sounds familiar..??...what is that? It's like you already know it, you could hum out the tune, and you've never learned the words but you can just feel what they're going to say....and it's you, singing, living, the song. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore, I just confused myself. All I know is that I heard....that song....I've heard it before, I've had to, but I never get to finish listening, it always disappears. Strange.
BLAH
ERK
EEK
A
ER
MENAKA
(Lourdes I'm giving my sound effects..hehehe)
By the by, hello Robert, having fun in Georgia?
I am currently Boisterous
I am listening to that tune again

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Still Stuck
04/24/2003 07:54 p.m.
Is it that wrong to just want to be alone?! Sorry I never seem happy. God, the both of you really do have a lot in common, so maybe that means I just missed him, and found a piece of him in you. I don't think that I'll ever get over it.....
I am currently Empty
I am listening to Silence

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