No reasons
02/03/2004 03:09 a.m.
Drowsily staring at that kink in my hair,
The one that always seems to find its place after the blow dry.
Sometimes I don't feel like walking proud,
And it shows when I stroll through the hall, a more acurate word is stumble.
I clumsily place one foot almost in front of the other and can't bother my mind with the inconvenience of wondering about the placement of my hips.
Swing, swing, opps "wide load" I think to myself as I slam my left hip into another obstruct object....another bruise.



Oh sweet burning liquid dripping down the insides of my mouth, seeping their way into my soft intestines, craddling. You are like a drug for my body, and I'm addicted. And when you're not around, the withdrawals sysmptoms begin from cutting cold turkey. I drag you in and blow you out, sip sip sipping ever so slowly, teasing and pleasing. Pass me another one night stand, for you are still too strong to intake without stepping up first. Waiting now for the next time my body is ready to strap up and endure your trip.
I am currently Anxious
I am listening to Sheryl Crow "My Favorite Mistake"

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We were......once
01/18/2004 01:59 a.m.
So it hasn't even been that long and I have missed so much....too much has come and gone.

I had you the other week, something I promised myself that I wouldn't indulge on while you were visiting. Oh God, will this ruin everything that we've built together, that stupid silly friendship where I get to make fun of you for dating the "youngins", and now if I make a comment you'll think it's jealousy. Ohhhhh, I shouldn't have let it get that far, I should have just kept on sticking to the plan....don't let him have me. But the air was foggy and I couldn't see that far ahead of me, I couldn't stop myself.

I can't look you in the eye, and even then you wouldn't see
I'd still be some mystery, still undiscovered territory.
I'm taken aback by you stare, from how deep you seem to be looking in my eyes, from the deepness I can see into you.

Holding my hand, rubbing the stretch of skin seperating my fingers from my thumb, and my eyes flicker back in their socket, and then you grab my face........my dreams were much sweeter.

I need to feel the weight of your body on top of mine, where our heat can intensify and produce new pheromones, making the moment even hotter. Kiss me, touch me, hold me, closer.

____________________________________________________________

Last night you told me you love me, you told me you'd always love me, and that you hope I feel the same for you....
and I do.
I do sometimes wonder what it'd be like if we were to get back together, if all of this mess were to be sorted and then we could return to us. But please, please don't make me have to think about it if you won't change. Don't even get my mind to start putting you back in its "present" if you'll never really be there, if you'll never come back.

Tomorrow night, tomorrow night we shall be what we use to be.

Oh this is a stupid entry, full of regrets and wishes, no resolutions.

We will be....
I am currently Insecure
I am listening to Your voice

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Happy Birthday to me
01/10/2004 05:33 a.m.
So I'm finally legal and you didn't call......but it's ok, because somebody else did =)

HMMMMM....what to say to start this new year that will keep me going through the next, I don't wanna be OLD!!! But it's otay, because I'm embracing the day, with its new abilities and a freshly painted smock upon my back. How can I celebrate other than by marking myself, go out clubbin, and getting waisted (I'm sure that spelling may be wrong but I don't have the mentality to care at the moment, or the sense left to change it). Captain Morgan is thy friend Lulu. So drink up, and kiss the years goodbye....for nothing is left to be said and done.

Oh where are you my shinning brilliance.....
I am currently Fabulous
I am listening to The trippy music in the background

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If only I could speak his name(s)...
12/31/2003 07:32 a.m.
I'm wishing I could still feel your embrace
Still wishing that THIS kiss wasn't our fate
Still hoping it really could be like before
Wondering if our kiss isn't there, what's left?
I don't loose my breath anymore....
and I think that's what hurts
But a part of me wants to keep kissing you, and create our new kiss,
And in between our mouths, a new beginning will be born,
One to erase the deep unhealed scars and complete the gaps in areas that need to be filled, by you....


Sometimes I wait by the phone at night, wishing you would call
Praying that you still think of me in your dreams
That I'm not just some memory placed with yesteryears
Lost among some flattened stories of childhood traumas
If I could be your anything, I'd be the breath that hits the back of your throat on cold mornings, memories bringing nostalgia of winters before.
Always there to remind you, refreshen you, reembracing us.

But then again.....
When nights are lonely, you are not the only one sweetening my thoughts,
You are merely the batter, the base of a cake,while others remain to frost my fantasies.


Rolling in my bed with so many memories, so many dreams, the good and the bad.
Starring at my bathroom floor, and graveling in my head, heart tearing, beating, pounding, bursting through my chest
Ripping and clawing at the peachy colored tiles
And up on the ceiling, there's still pieces of tape leftover from photo memiors
Every inch holds some type of contamination of thought
Even if I were to change the sheets, splash the walls with cheery paint, bury the boxes that still claim this your territory...you'd still find some way of seeping through the holes and earplugs to crawl into my thoughts.
You would make it pour for days on end until I chose to give your memory it's lapse at least just once
Your ring would keep going off, and the name would change on the phone, to what it use to be
Your voice would whisper sweet nothings through the microphone and breathtaking songs would be blasting outside my window
Your memory always lurking until I chose to see you, until I chose to call it quits and give into you, expecting one form of the person I use to know and recieving another
Surprising me some nights by hour long talks and sweet kisses, and others barely even more than an embrace to unravel my sheaths.
Everything's the same, but everything has changed


Will you wish me a happy birthday this year, it's unlikely that you've remembered the date, even if I were to remind you, but why waste the free air.


That ring was not right, it was wrong, all wrong. My whole entire idea of the ring has been shattered by the way I must face it on my finger, telling the world my sorrow yet unmistakebly fucking them off. I look at it sometimes when the hours are frozen together, and it holds no joy for me, only the pain that I can't have it all....can't have any of you.


I realize at night right before I fall asleep, I still daydream of when we use to be so shy, so tender towards one another, and of coarse fogging the air with inside jokes and secrets being hidden between our bodies. Only a year, and it's still so fresh in my dreams, so uninterrupted. I am petrified by you, by your embrace, by just the memory of your love.


God, two men, two loves, two lifetimes with eternities between, lightyears ahead of each other, yet placid and calm and terrifying. Have I used up all my magic? Is there no extraordinary left for my future wow's? Were these two my only two, do I not get to have "IT" all again. Or am I suppose to juggle the two until one day, I drop the other and I go walking cornily down the isle in that traditional white dress, with a smile that could save my heart waiting at the end??? I don't think I could ever love someone that hasn't been with me from the beginning, that doesn't know who I started out as, who I've formed to be, hasn't seen me cry (even over some stupid movie), hasn't seen me shed the exteriors to reveal my bones. Nope, definately couldn't be with a man I don't already know, I haven't already been with, haven't already fallen for, haven't had....


Choose: the perfect pink roses /or the perfect bouquet...(I can't)


"If tomorrow never comes
I would want just one thing
I would sell it to the stars and the sun
I would write it for the world to see
And it's you
The light changes when you're in the room
Oh it's you
If tomorrow never comes
I would want just one wish
To kiss your quiet mouth
And trace the steps with my fingertips"

I am currently Loved

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blank pages leave more to be expressed
12/30/2003 07:08 a.m.


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Bittersweet
12/05/2003 04:31 a.m.
A cherry prematurally stolen from the branches of youth and vitality, just to be wasted and the pit swallon whole...
Maybe I'm still hoping that he will choke on it and cling to the ground the way he made me, and the only one to save him is me...awwww, having the power once more is the only thing that will satisfy my hunger for you.

Kristian you sure are strange:"SexyLaLaBabe, i love uuuuuuu". Need I say that even after all of this time I would still jump if you'd ever get the courage to ask.

Prom...blegggh(that's so not a me comment, but it's come to be.) I can't find comfort to confide in another, so I'm bubbling up all of these ideas and emotions behind tearing thin fabrics of skin.

My Christmas List:
*A big carton of egg nog, with all the preservatives
*A new window with less memories of sneaking out/in
*A new bed, and while I'm at it new sheets, heck a new room
*More fuzy "bear" socks
*More 2am coffee trips
*An erase a mistake card
*A freckle reducer machine
*The "perfect pink" bouquet of roses
*Peace for my mother
*1,000 more moments with us for daddy
*A new body for grandma
*Another chance for Jimmy
*And a time warp to take me back 3 years

Thirsting for knowledge, wishing for ignorance to save me.

"Don't leave me now...."
I am currently Exhausted
I am listening to Michelle Branch "Sweet Misery" & "Something to Sleep to"

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I don't want to be alone anymore
11/13/2003 04:00 a.m.
A 34 year old woman??? I guess to someone like me, female, thinks that situation is disgusting; but to guys, I guess it's a teenage fantasy come true. God, you've changed so much since I knew you, since the days when your rush was me.

A full rainbow this time, with a second hazily started above.......a new beginning? I do hope so too.

My eyes are red and itchy and this whole sick thing sucks!
:cough::cough: (literally)

In my REM again, too many dreams, too hard to remember once awoken, too lovely while sleeping. I can't remember them but I recall smiling, so that's enough for me. Maybe my brown eyed man is returning and he's holding me in strong reassuring arms....yes, but only if it weren't a dream, only if it WERE true, eghhhh

Give me something new to dream about....
I am currently Restless
I am listening to Dare You To Move (Switchfoot) & Strawberry Wine (Dixie Chicks)

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I have to breathe...(slowly)
10/26/2003 12:47 a.m.
Mitch, Mitch, Mitch, God I wish it was you that kissed me yesterday, then I wouldn't feel so guilty. And I wouldn't feel so bad for letting my secret slip because when his lips touched mine, I came to life again, I began feeling all of the things that I was too numb to notice before. Hatred, desire, seduction, bitterness, the wind, and even the cold heart of lonliness. You brought me to life once before, and it seems that you've done it again. But please don't kiss me again, I can't fall into you.
I am currently Lustful
I am listening to Romeo & Juliet "Kissing You"

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The last of the rainbows
10/17/2003 03:12 a.m.
I always thought that if I just kept on walking, and turn away from all of the already paved roads, that I would find the end.....but I guess I grew out of that belief the same time when I stopped believeing that I could almost reach the moon if only I was 5'8". It's funny the things that we think are possible when we're young. All of the ambitions you had, I was going to be Treasurer of the US so I could sign my name on money, lol.
The last of the rainbows, the "twin rainbows". I've given it up, or you up, or the addiction, or whichever nicer way of putting it phrase I've chosen this week. That was it, or well actually it wasn't because it didn't happen, but who cares the point is still the same. (HUH?)
"Why should I care?
Cause you weren't there
When I was scared
I was so alone
Why should I care?
If you don't care
Then I don't care
We're not going anywhere"
So our nights are over, again over. So I get to go now, find someone new to either concentrate all of my energy on or find someone to "actually" try. Hmmmm.... and the possiblities ARE endless.
I am currently Refreshed
I am listening to Avril Lavigne/Edwin McCain

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3 more weeks of waiting for you to visit...
09/23/2003 03:35 a.m.
Chris, Chris, Chris, how is life in "O HI hO"?. I miss having my good friend there at 2 in the morning on Saturday nights. But I'll tell you what I really miss:
Having something to do every weekend when I'd fall asleep after work and missed evryone's call but your's; making fun of your lovely architectural rock in the front of your development; singing Avril Lavigne with no voice in the freezing cold(take my hand); Driving to god knows where and getting lost a million times and then saying, "Oh look, I know where we are," while driving through the median("Was that grass"); BACON, need I really say more on that topic?; You kicking my ass in bowling because I really thought you meant it when you said you couldn't play; jumping off of the lifeguard house terriffied that you won't catch me; Dunkin Dounuts and my "cafe cooluties"; dying your hair in the Quizno's bathroom and starting, one of many, water fights to take place at closing time; you: "will you go out with me?" me: "Que paso?"; That night in the back of the store; you telling me how weird it was to work together; me telling you I don't date people I work with; you teasing me about jeff or joe or "I can't remember"; "Borrowing" the Kappa clothes as I made my Quizno's delivery and completed Christmas shopping; having those stupid arguments about who's really older (I was concieved first =P); I miss you.
God I could continue forever but who knows what I'll want you as in the end....Won't you take my hand???
I am currently Lovesick
I am listening to Avril Lavigne

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