my not so little secret
09/15/2004 08:28 p.m.
Your name runs through my mind a million times, and a million times more if you wish.

I am currently Excited
I am listening to you're my little secret, and that's how we should keep it.

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The ringing hasn't started
08/05/2004 04:39 a.m.
You said you'd call....
I almost took a second to believe you.
But, as I predicted,
You haven't.
I am currently Bleh
I am listening to Yellowcard

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Peaches
08/02/2004 05:03 a.m.
I saw your car tonight, at least I know you're still alive, somewhere.

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It started out blah
07/24/2004 05:17 a.m.
I just want to find that little piece of heaven again, whether it be with you or from some random whim. I just want to feel like I can open my arms and not have the worries of something rushing in to grab me at my weakest moments. I need to feel the weight of something or anything that can give me matter and keep my feet planted somehwere to be watered and nourished to start to grow, to start a new. Orlando is holding up but with thin facades of smiles and laughter and late night sleep-overs. Too much pain here, not even mine, just too much is happening to close ones and it only stirs my shit around...shit I have acted pretty damn hard to keep covered and protected like a bandaid without anything on underneath to help heal. I don't want to heal, I don't want to have to peel off the strips because no matter what speed I go it will only hurt. Sometimes I feel that I've finaly found the drifter in me just to realize that this "home space" is not what it use to be. It has somehow been changed yet I can't seem to find the difference. OOO July already, soon another January, and it just makes my two year anniversary seem like such a permanent lifestyle and not just me being picky. He's gonna know, he's going to be able to read me next time and call my bullshit like when I try to pass off two eights as one two. I just need to meet someone that I can feel comfortable with again....sadly this makes me come to the conclusion that I really was ruined by the incident in 9th, by the pain that I don't know who I can trust and people close to me will only hurt me more than complete strangers. Damn you, damn me, damn joe for being right about you, damn him for not being there to stop it all and prevent my ruined self; damn me for choosing the worst possible time to finally stop beig the jabber-mouth, damn me for being the world's greatest actress and never letting him catch on to me, even still now. Oh God please let her be okay, let her find "her" way of dealing with this so that she will not be haunted the way I've been. Please....seriously, I don't ask for much except time reversals, so just pull this miracle from the night sky and make all well again for those who ache.
I am currently Thunderstruck
I am listening to late night shows in the background

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My request
07/18/2004 02:28 a.m.
Don't go...let this just be another one of your whims...something you just mention and is never to be fulfilled, let it be like the promises you've made me. Do whatever you have to, just don't go. Don't leave me again, don't leave me here, even though I'm not "here". StopStopStopStopStopStopStop........................Be happy with less. It seems you're so far gone already, don't put the actual space between us. Everyone is going and moving on. But you told me once that there'd always be us, that we'd find each other again through anything, that somehow a love this strong could control the tides and the sunsets and the moments and the months and the miles. STOP. Dont' go....Atlanta is too far and holds no happiness for you, no happiness without me and you.
I am currently Helpless

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Things I cannot have
07/01/2004 05:12 a.m.
I want to feel that type of hunger....

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It was niceeeee
06/23/2004 09:37 p.m.
Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god....(what runs through my head at 5 in the morning) But unfortunately the moanful ohhhhh god from the other night has changed more into an ooooo....god, when did you give up on romance? Now there is no more silver lining to all of those assholes that I waste my time on. You're black. (who, how many, when, for how long?? Well of coarse, that's illegal, almost hope he'll get caught. Were they all lies?)

On another note, school is great and I don't miss Shu-shu, but he still loves me. Sometimes I just wish that I could escape into my dreamworld, the fucked-up-ed-ness is much more gratifying and understandable than what I have to deal with.

Rissa, tell Jem to quit his bitching and lets remember the days you use to provide the stoges.

Sometimes I write hoping that you will read it, but then I'll never place in a name.....my contradictions.

Anyways......off to the Firehouse subs, ooo hottie, with Melissa and another night of passing time trying to forget you, all of the you's in my life.
I am currently Jumbled
I am listening to Other people's phone conversations

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"Hike up your skirt a lil more..."
04/30/2004 03:50 a.m.
(Mom and Bill are at it again) Oh God make them stop, and to think, sleepless nights use to be my own doing........

I need to write, I need to feel that I can contemplate and make some type of coherent statement of my thoughts.

You invited me over for tomorrow, and offered me a "party favor", I don't think I'll accept this proposal once more. IF ONLY I could fall for you, then life would be sweet, at least for the moment while you want me too.

MONA LISA,
Give him the smile one more time.
Draw them in by your alluring mystery,
With the hint that your curling lips will succeed ecstasy.

Hello you, long time no "real" see. Miss me yet?

I wonder how long it'll be before Mr. Shu-Shu returns for another "Fuck-up Jenn's head" visit; the air is telling me it'll be soon, since this moment is quiet.

Chris Chris Chris (the only name I can actually speak on this site without someone knowing who it is and our secret) Chris Chris Chris, I still want ya here too, "YEAH BOY!" But don't worry, as we sing, "I'm With You", you can mentally "take my hand".

College vs University, prom, deca depot, mother's day, daddy's birthday, work, money, papers due, scholarship applications, reccomendations, graduation, grad night, grad announcements, miss teen america, ucf orientation, nyu trip, fiyp, bills........so many, too many worries to juggle all at once. Peace is the shinny light at the end of the tunnel that I'm not currently sure anyone can ever make it too.

Its funny to see you twitch while you're sleeping, any good dreams to share?
I am currently Exhausted
I am listening to My Mix

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If there was anything to say, I've forgotten it
04/18/2004 12:30 a.m.
Going crazy, crazy. Need a new teddy. Killer cockroaches. Can't sleep, jerking ubruptly. If there was hope for me, I'm sure it's been gone since this new year has begun.

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A new storage room
02/20/2004 06:28 a.m.
Sometimes I feel as if you've left me here to rot.
God Jimmy, how could you bitch and preach at me when you're the one who left, you left this house, and most importantly, you left me....that's what it feels like sometimes. That you gave up and hated the "new" guy and didn't feel like dealing. The only problem was, you could leave, but I can't, and you left me here to deal with him, deal with them all and the constant bickering, late nights fights, things (or sometimes people) being slammed about waking me(if i was even sleeping at the time).

When you break down and it was the little things that set you off, you know you're really done. I'm so tired, much more then from sleepless nights.
I am currently Tired

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