Dreaming again
05/23/2005 03:01 a.m.
Oh how I wish to be in your arms, my brown eyed dream man. Late night adventures have begun, but you are still the one I come home to at night. If only I could have all of you....
I am currently Romantic

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It's another rambling at 2 am
05/16/2005 06:32 a.m.
All I want to do is be completely blunt...but aparently I don't have the proper veil to hide my secrets....
Ahhh...forget it...FUCK YOU JOE!! Oh I feel much better now. I don't get it, doesn't anyone learn that you'll never end up with someone in the end if all you do is play mind games?! At least that's how it happens in the movies. Too bad it doesn't hold true to real life. In real life, good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to the best of people; karma does not exsist. I just wish you could be served your own recipe to try and save future girls from your complete and utter bullshit of a relationship. I wish I had the sand to warn your poor prey how they will fall victim to you... but who'd think anything of my warning but a bitter ex's jealousy. Oh well, I'll just try hoping the old nice Joe will find the girl to throw it all away for and be real with.

ANYWAY............


God, hearing you say my name really turns me on. Even just thinking about it later in the day sets me aflame.


So I was just wondering if Chris popped the question to his girlie. He's really young to be getting married, but I think I'm a tad jealous, wanting to have something final and really start that secong adult part of life...but it'll have to wait. Hmmm...me married??? It just sounds so strange, I can't really grasp the idea of someone being able to tame me much longer than three months, or if I found someone that could it'd probably be vice versa. I want it all though....the baby dreams really keep getting to me, but I know I'm not ready yet...the idea is just starting to fester.

Haven't learned anything new yet, but I'll be playing tennis and learning volleyball this week, so it's a start. I'm so excited to learn guitar, it's silly, but always fun to have another interesting useless talent.


I'm still taking another moment to enjoy relapse images of the other night...don't mind if you know, actually it's kinda hot.............


I seem to be forgeting something.....I'm not sure what, it's just something hanging in the air until my head does that little click and I can say OH YEAH! I dunno, I wanna go on a road trip to some state I've never been to, but I don't think I'll get off of work for long enough to really have the time to enjoy one. Can't wait to go to Tallahassee this year....wait.....OH YEAH, now I remember it! I thought about calling an old friend I haven't spoken to in almost two years. wouldn't that be so strange and random of me?! I know I pobably should stop my obsession with people from the past, but I just can't seem to meet any new people to recruit as potentials. So I've become good at relying on the past to lend a hand until I move on again. It's kinda funny, like I'm sorta digging into a blackbook or something another.

GOSH, I'm all over the place tonight. Maybe I'll try some sort of formation another day.
I am currently Hyper
I am listening to One Hit Wonders

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Is it morning yet?
03/31/2005 07:04 a.m.

March 2:
I wish I could say something grand and significant at this moment, or I wish I could try and ease some of the pain it's caused, but it seems I can't do either.....so, maybe I'll be seeing you in heaven Josh.


Can't find anything to wear today, don't wanna get dressed. Can't I just wear my bathrobe? My weekend bag wasn't packed for a funeral.


When is it really suppose to sink in that you're really gone? I'm just waiting to see you at some party and start another cycle of hanging out. It hasn't set in yet...almost a month and I don't believe it hapened.

Poor Sam.....



__________________________________________________________



Last night I dreamt of you, surprisingly I usually don't. It hurt, I woke up and couldn't shake it off, couldn't scrub it away in the shower, and couldn't run far enough away. And now I'm playing the sappy country songs still not knowing what to think................"cause I've been wrapped around her finger since the first time we went out.......i think it's time to put a ring on her finger, I'm wrapped around...."
Pink flowers are so perfect, we were so not. God why can't I ever get rid of you?! Forget about getting over you, I don't think that'll ever be possible. Maybe if it was a clean break, you can leave and move on and start a new life.....but with a messy one it's different, it just keeps hurting forever.


You still wanna marry me after college? Can we change our list for boy names, Romeo was just us being silly....or you were just being silly bringing up the past plans for our future late the other night. Why do you do that to me? I mean is it just that you were thinking about that and thought that I'd be fine with you bringing it up; or were you jockingly being serious??? Of coarse not.....I'm over-analyzing you again.
........."if my heart had wings, i would fly to you and lie beside you as you dream, if my heart had wings"........
Your bed is the comfy-est one I've ever been in, just making me wanna stay again.....in your arms, and sneaking out in the mid early hours preparing a goodmorning Cheryl I had a bad break-up and needed to talk speech just in case. And then make the drive home with half a dream to be continued in my joe-less bed.




So the Alex phase is over, at least for now it is.....I blame myself but someone else deserves some of the credit too. It sucks that after all of those years and steamy evenings that it just seemed to fizzle.....at least for me. I just wasn't feeling it, and if it's not madly passionate extraordinary then why waste both our times, right???



So it's almost April...29 more days till summer break. And I realize that not much has changed since high school......I still sneak out to see people I shouldn't, have occasional alcohol binges (ima fish! hehe!), work at SNS on weekends, meet the occasional potential that always seems to fizzle down to nothing, still wishing I would call up people of the past (but I don't), trying not to call people that don't ever answer (but my fingers dial faster than my head), and I'm still not over you, I'm not past us.


Ok, done with depressing Jenn for a lil.........I have a whole 3 month vacation coming soon and I think I'll go exploring and try something new. Hmmm......maybe I'll learn how to sail and sneak the boat out one morning for a little water fun, I could fish. Or maybe just keep adding the miles to my car with a road trip, dunno to where yet, but anywhere new would be great. I got it...I'll be daring and go swimming at night even if there's seaweed in the water (I'm a brave little toaster).

This weekend I get to go to the west coast and drive to some island beach...maybe I'll even see the sunset for the first time. Not exactly a romantic setting there with Ash, but it'll be a great view.

I think this entry was just my way of procrastinating a late night study session for my exam tomorrow...so off to hit the books and hopefully this little rambling is enough to shut down my thoughts for a while.
I am currently Somber
I am listening to More sad country tunes

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Shu-shu
02/02/2005 08:05 a.m.
It just never seems to be long before I'm back in your arms. But it isn't right this time, well it hasn't been right for about three years, but now I'm seeing someone and I'm not like you. But God, I can't not want you, I can't shake you off of me, and now I can't stop thinking about you when I'm alone at night.

"I know I'll regret it in the morning, but I'm gonna love you tonight"

I still get butterflies, and our kiss is still there, and I melt like soft puddy in your arms. Oh, and you know just the way to touch me, just the right ways to seduce me. I have to see you again, I have to be in your arms and feel the weight of your body on top of mine...but I shouldn't.
I am currently Frustrated
I am listening to Country tunes

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My New Year's Resolutions:
01/17/2005 03:56 a.m.
To not make the same mistakes, that in the past, have left me broken hearted.
To try new things
To drink less soda...(and more liquor!! J/P)
To get out more often in Orlando
To spend at least one weekend a month at my apartment
To write more, and space out less
To watch less television and movies
To keep closer contact with my relatives
To not let road rage get the best of me
To shop just a little less
To support one new cause/charity
To meet one new person a week
To start using the UCF shuttle instead of driving
To take more leisure baths
To not go back to Joe
To not fuck up whatever I've started with Alex
To keep dreaming.......

Of coarse my list could continue for pages, but this is a large enough load to take on for this year.
I am currently Cheerful
I am listening to Switchfoot

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(Insert Name)
11/17/2004 05:03 a.m.
My days are filled with contemplation and longing for something more. I run, I pedal, I swim lap after lap; and still I can't shake this feeling you've left on me.
I am currently Tired
I am listening to Tick tock tick tock

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Peaches
11/05/2004 04:13 a.m.
I would call to wish you a happy birthday, but I don't have the number. So, happy birthday asshole.
I am currently Bleh

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GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!
11/03/2004 05:35 a.m.
As much as I enjoyed these past 48 hours of you, I shouldn't have. I can't stop fidgetting right now, and I can't get the thought of you out of my mind for long. I don't want to fall for you, I know how it would end....badly. I can't fall for you, you don't date people...wait, I mean, you don't date me. I've been through this crap before with you, I thought that I knew you then and I think I know you know.......but, I don't know. I don't know what to think of this change in you, another fucking with me situation, or you seriously changing who you were. Oh God, oh shit, fuck fuck fuck fuck!!! Scenario 1 ends with you not being mine, and even with the best possible scenario you'd end up breaking my heart. I can't sleep with you......oh God I really can't; because I'm starting to like you too much. That's never happened before.....you scare me because I know you could hurt me even more then Joe did, far past what shit Jeff pulled, and shatter the pieces I pulled from the wreckage.

I hate you, I despise you,I know what you do to girls...and with all of that, I can't help but want you.


Your hands are too close, covering all of my skin and sending the chills to southern regions. I haven't laid in someone's arms for so long, I don't want to confuse lonliness with feelings for you. I can't take you knowing all of the signs that tell you I'm yours, I can only control my words and facial reaction, but the beating heart and quivers give me away.

You love my body for my pheromones, that smell you can't describe but always tell me is nice.
I am currently Frustrated

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Oh pooey
10/20/2004 04:44 a.m.
What a damn coinky-dink....another rating.

I can still see your face, in my mind, things are soo clear; and I don't want them to be. But hey, it doesn't even have to reside there, I can just look up and see your smile. You're such a bastard! A jerk! All of those names that aren't usually spoken anymore, hoping to bring you to an even lower level. Thanks for the disappearing act. (Is this one permanent?) I hate knowing you sometimes, because it's never fair to me.


I don't think I'll be comming to visit for awhile, I've started to become dependent on our weekly rondavues. I don't want to want you, but you make me; and I don't want to miss you, but you remind me; and I don't want to love you, but you called me baby. God, I've been running from and chasing that name since it first fell from your lips. BABY. "Don't cry baby, it's alright baby, I love you baby"....all of this while our fingers are interlaced. My heart can't think and my mind is absent in your presence. I wish I could talk to you, really talk to you; but, somewhere along the road I became (according to one misadventure) the "black cat". I know what I want to say when you're not around, but the breath does not come, and the words are trapped. I use to love you for your comfort, and for my comfort around you; now there are awkward silences you don't recognize.


SSSSCCCCHHHHOOOOOOOOLLLL SUX!!! But my grades are good, and I even attend class, most of the time. Hell, I'm a goody-goody compared to my former self; actually I started out a goody-goody, so maybe I'm just returning to my old habits. I still wish I could start all over again, and fix things; even though now it doesn't matter, because college is started with a clean slate, thank God!
Money rules the world and makes me insignificant.


"The reasons that I can't stay don't have a thing to do with being in love. I understand that loving a (wo)man shouldn't have to be this ruff."

"So goodbye, please don't cry. We both know I'm not what you, you need. And I will always love you"

-Some things I wish I could have said to you to help explain, or stop pain.....
I am currently Dismayed
I am listening to Timeless love gone wrong songs

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Vroommmmm....
10/06/2004 04:53 a.m.
A new car, with no already had memories.
Goodbye trashy Saturn, I'm getting another red bitch (lol Mel)
Usually I would be thinking about how I'm going to miss the symbolism of the car, with all of my shared memories in there, the good and the bad; but right now I'm only anxious to rid me of it, as if to try and rid me of my past.
I want to forget you, all of the yous in my life. I want to feel weightlessness, free from the burden of your eyes.
Too bad though, I'm not sure I'll ever remember the nights when Chris and I would go drving into the night, together. And then the nights when things got too personal, all I have of him at this moment is a closed-eyed memory and the awkward silence if I were to call.


Lately I feel as if I'm not present anymore, not forgotten, just absent from your grace. It's been so long, yet I still feel like I just tried to make you laugh last night. I can still feel your presence, as if you're going to come tapping on my window, or surprise me with a midnight call.


I remember when I was yours, sad to realize that you may never have really been mine. You were smitten, hypnotized, and seduced; but not mine.
I am listening to Coldplay "Green Eyes"

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