There are so many things I could say at the moment
12/26/2005 09:51 p.m.
but I can't find the right words to bring me closer to you....
I am currently Scattered
I am listening to Phantom of the Opera

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Major Crushing
12/24/2005 04:31 a.m.
Awwwww =))))) ::Blushing:: Gosh I've been doing that a whole lot lately. "Lovely", he calls me lovely, never heard that one really before. It's nice, sweet; he's sweet. Wondering how long it'll be though before he drifts away or I screw it up somehow. I know, I know, Ashley is yelling at me and saying stp thinking that shit and be positive, it isn't always doomed. Everytime he doesn't call back right when he says he will I start thinking bad thoughts again, but he always calls.....erggggg. Let us stay on the bright side: he makes my cheeks rosy and eyes glow. He does those little things that make me feel special, the other day I got a hawiian punch flavored candy cane =P yummy! Ahhh, I need to go take my antibiotics and get some rest, don't wanna raise my temperature again like the other day...just needed a little outlet to vent.


Stay crushing
I am currently Cute
I am listening to Panic! At the Disco

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Another page turns
11/15/2005 10:42 a.m.
So an interesting partay this weekend at my apartment...jumping from lap to lap. And then I had to say goodbye to Mike =*( he's left for Texas. We started getting all sweet when we said goodbye..."I didn't ever think you cared that much"...."you should have just picked up the phone and told me to come see you"...."are you really going to miss me"....I'm not sure if he'll really buy my plane ticket to come visit him in 8 weeks. But that's be really exciting because I've never really been to Texas, I remember talking about planning a road trip with Jeff a long time ago as a joke. I'm kinda afraid to go visit him though...8 weeks is awhile away and with how things seem to be starting with Chris, I might be in a different situation. Gosh, Chris, I've known that name too many times....my hear keeps a folder just for Chris's..hehe. Not too sure about this though....maybe it'll be a sorta relationship again and then fizzle. It's been an extremely long time since I've really been serious with someone and had an actual boyfriend. But who knows, maybe I'm ready....eghhh....not sure if I can get myself back into that girlfriend groove.


Oh Gosh, tonight was a blast, crazy pictures all over the place with my best girlies! I like these exciting evenings of just hanging out, but unfortunately sometimes they lead to sleepless nights and 4AM trips to get coffee to just pull an all-nighter. I get to go to tennis in 2 hours...yay...we're basically done with class so we've teamed up and get to just play games all day. Gosh I'm loving tennis =) I can't wait to get home and play with Rissa. Ooooo Thanksgiving next weekend and I'm only going home for like 3 days, I'm going to have sooo much to do. My time will be spent between Steak 'n Shake and a shit load of friends I've promised to visit. I miss my Fishley, Melissa, and Rissa; my best gurlies that never need to be told how I'm feeling!


Anyway....I wanna see Chris...hehehe =) I'm soo cute!
I am currently Silly
I am listening to George Carlin's HBO Special

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It's getting harder to breathe at night
11/10/2005 10:20 a.m.
I just can't seem to get myself away from this feeling of extreme depression. Nothing bad has happened lately, but it just feels like nothing has happened for soo long. I don't really know how to shake this feeling off, I don't get where it's coming from though. Life has been life, busy and hectic, but I just feel soo...soo...hurt in some profound way. It pains me....something in my chest, this sinking feeling just won't go away. I wish I knew what has lead to this, what series of events have I unravelled this evening?! I miss something, the old days, like really old, like 7 or so years ago. Gosh, those were really the days, I didn't car what the next person thought of me and I had just been set free from expectations. But I guess it's sometime after there that I never took a turn towards good or bad. I just seemed to stay along the path of mediocrity, it feels such a wasted life. I just can't seem to get myself to believe that it's still not too late for me, but I've surrendered to it.
I am currently Needy
I am listening to Jack's Mannequin

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I blame caffine
11/01/2005 07:33 p.m.
Yea yea yea...i'm lovin you out loud. It's feeling like a random quote day...lala...didn't steal your boyfriend. So uh-huh sugarrrrrrr high!
Alright I'm done now, maybe. HOMECOMING 05, GO KNIGHTS!!!! What an eventful week we have and how exciting, I just hope I won't have to work gameday =( but it'll be otay. I was so amped for the Yellowcard concert, it was awesome!
But on to personal shit....I heard a juicy detail from a lil birdie....which I always knew would happen eventually. They just can't stay away from each other, I use to know that, well maybe I still do but it's on hiatus.
OMG! The ouija (i think that's how you spell it) was insane last night, I was sooo creeped out in the beginning. Some things held true but then not so sure about others. And since we stayed up till like 4 am I missed my classes yet again, and it just wasn't an option today, I'm hoping my professor will take my excuse and not fail me =( ahhhh....scarry. I gotta go take care of that now....lattaz
I am currently Hyper
I am listening to Yellowcard

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It never changes...
10/14/2005 09:20 a.m.
So it's been awhile, huh? Hmm...not feeling very pathetic lately and missing the time to contemplate deep thoughts, or rather just complaining with style. Why is counrtry music soo addictive to a sleepless soul? I just can't seem to find something happy pop-like tonight, seems to be when I find time to write, if anything. But it's getting better all the time (ha, I'm listening to that song too). I've got x's on my hand marking me "underage" for the clubs..entertaining evening. But what do I come home to? A quick face wash and drunken dreams??? No, I come home to an empty bed (figuratively) and a hand that's missing yours. I just want to find a nice big swing and let the air wisp my hair against my cheecks, getting some stuck between my lips. I want to contemplate and get it all out, and then leave it all there so I can go home with a clean slate. Oh god how I wish so much to have a clean slate, start over again, or at least to erase some of my past. I just wished that I had more will power over my thoughts, to control them from seeping in your face while trying to find someone new. As if I would ever let someone in again, I mean I've met my share of guys and even let a couple close to me...but as friends. I haven't been in love, or maybe I really never have been. But I've never come that close to what I had felt, I've been consumed...but I know the difference between love lust and being in love. But I just need to add in that damn that love lust can provide enough to not make you want to go out and find that true love shit....diet tastes just as great as regular and only half the pain. I realize that I'm only pushing away the inevitable. But I want to know who it is that teaches us to fear love.....I want to know who taught me to run away. I want to know who taught me to run. I want to know who taught me that I couldn't be with just one person. I want to know who exactly told me that it's okay to fear something that can have the most extreme bliss. Just because of a little pain that may be involved (ok a whole lot) I've been programmed to reject it all. I just can't seem to stop myself either. I know what I get myself involved with now is never going to be more than some technical friendship, but I just can't seem to force myself to stop looking for something to hold me over until I think it is that I'll be jumping off the deep end. I can see myself seeing someone that I don't even really like...wow sounds familiar to a current situation, just because it gives me satisfaction of the moment and can be perceived as me looking like I'm really trying to find something genuine.
Gosh this is a long rant. I just feel so lost tonight. And as much as it hurts to admit, I'm still saving pieces of my heart for a man that's so far gone I'm not sure what he used to look like anymore. Alright, I lied, I can still see the images of his face burned into me. His eyed have been branded into the back of mind to serve as a trigger of a tearful night, or at least a trip down memory lane that aches me. It doesn't matter how far I run, who's arms I'm lying in at night, or how great we can be as friends. I try, and try, and try to keep it at bay; but, even if it's not my urges of feeling something that's not there anymore, you call and say i love you. GOD I hate it when you do that, I love it when you do it. I'm torn because I realize that maybe, just maybe, I can never see you again. If I ever plan on seriously having something real again, if I ever let some schmo get close, I'll have to give you up even as a friend. I'm just not ok with that, I'm not ok with never speaking to a person that was, and still is, a huge chunk of me. Without him I'm just some girl with changing eyes.
Alright, I'm leaving here tonight.
I am currently Needy
I am listening to Random mix, right now it's Mr. Jones...shalalala

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Taly second
07/13/2005 08:15 p.m.
What can I say with this quick passing moment online..........I met someone
I am currently Giddy
I am listening to Shuffles of feet

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Leaving for Tally
07/08/2005 09:40 a.m.
I think I'm writing just to try and relive the moment in your arms.

I realllly wanted to see you tonight, but as it always seems to be, I am disappointed. Ergh, that sounds kinda bad, it's just schedules suck! I don't want to leave for Tally yet. It always seems that whenever I "sorta" start something down here and leave for the program it drifts. Not to even get the thought in my head that we're realy something....which is cool and great for me, but I know this blury vision friendship has to eventually be deemed a title.

Anyway

I've become a music freak....hours no longer wasted in front of the tele, but now a tad more productive with the radio on. Jamming to matchbook romance at this moment..................................................................................................God I'm so blah.


It's funny how one week you're all great late night convo friend and then the next you're I'm too busy with my life kinda guy. Oh well, shit happens.


I'm having these very vivid flashbacks of the other night. Fireworks seem to make things stand out more importantly.
God I can't get enough of you, alright I really can but it feels like I could.


Save me...
I am currently O.K.
I am listening to "Playing for Keeps" Matchbook Romance

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I'm sure I've made up a new word somewhere
06/21/2005 07:30 a.m.
I don't really have anything to say...no thoughtfull quotes or random whims of intelligent blabbing.

So..I've made another boy mistake, it seems I'm so familiar with this that I seem to go into a cruise control mode when it happens. I hate predicting these fallouts though, I just wish I could be wrong about someone for a change.

Maybe I can use this extra energy to do some productive...............................................................................................nope.

I promise myself I'll be more cautious, eventually, whenever life decides to slow down I'll slow down with it. It just all seems to be warp speed and so not going anywhere important these days.

Summer is filled with work, sleepless nights, 2 am binges of blahness, and some deep seeded wanting and yearning for something more; something that I can't seem to make come myself.


I wanna be independent, free from these shackles of reliance.


I should sleep, and let the dreams devour me whole tonight
I am currently Helpless
I am listening to "The Blower's Daughter" -Damien Rice

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Blah blah blah
05/25/2005 04:03 a.m.
I think that I've finally found that person to talk with between the hours of midnight and dawn. God it feels so good to have a talk with someone about anything, about nothing. And to think, I would have never expected that person to be you.
I am currently Excited
I am listening to Damien Rice

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