girls
02/17/2004 04:19 p.m.
an only slightly updated list.

girls to be added to my femininity folder (alphabetically):
alice
amber
ashley
beverly
carrie
carrie #2
celeste
chariece
diana
diana #2
diane
heather
ingrid
jonna
julie
karla
maggie
mary kay
rachel
reece
robin
sierra
shawndra
shea
shereen
sophie
tiffany
venita
vinoja

there you go.

I am currently Calm
I am listening to nothing

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this love has taken its toll on me
02/17/2004 04:38 a.m.
MTV sometimes.

but only sometimes.

I just heard "My Immortal" by Evanesence. wow. and thinking of how he must have heard it. it's a great song. wow. and just... well, it made me sad.

and there are regrets and minutes and notes and kisses and tears so many tears and joy and trust and betrayal and... yeah.

but then I look at it from the rational side. Koye and how much we were hurting him. how perfect Eric is for me. how perfect Jess is for him. and it makes me think, ok, maybe we did it in the VERY hardest way possible, but we worked things out.

such feelings. my.

and now my Maroon 5 song is on. I'm enjoying it greatly.

this is all just too much. I have too many emotions. I'm not even going to try to pick one.

(edit: I paused after writing this and tried to place exactly what my feelings for Tommy are at this moment. what did I come up with? I compared it to how I feel about Simeon. which is really weird since I never dated Simeon. but that is what I'm feeling.)
I am listening to maroon 5!

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a journal entry I shouldn't write
02/11/2004 10:59 p.m.
I wrote this all about a week ago before I'd talked to Koye about it. I'm still not done talking to Koye about it, and these were my notes for the conversation essentially. maybe I shouldn't post it, but, ah heck, why not?

"well, I could mention that he told me he wasn't physically attracted to her. either he lied to me or he's lying to her. either way, it doesn't look good on his part. Eric said to this, "maybe people change?" I then made a sound with my lips and teeth that sounds something like this: "pfuthuth." are people really what I always feared? shake the eight ball. all signs point to yes.

you know what really angers me about it? they were there with him. she consoled him when I was hurting him. and now she turns around and does the same thing I was doing? and it's ok for her?? does he hate her like he hated me? or is it somehow better that it's her? and why? why did I get punished and she's not? WHY? I love him more than she does. we've been friends for WAY longer. and I just feel like she's trying to be me or something. date the boy I dated, STEAL my best friend. this is turning into a very dramatic, middle school "she's taking you!" thing."

and that's as far as I got. some of these things I remembered in my conversation with Koye and he explained "why" to the best of his ability. but I still don't think it's fair. I feel like everything I do is wrong, but everything anyone else does is just fine and dandy. and why should she be shown exception when I wasn't? I don't know, I guess I'm looking at this a different way than he is.

and all that I wrote makes me come off as greatly disliking her, but that is SO not the case. I reeeeally like her. she and I are VERY similar people. eeeeeerily similar. disturbingly similar. so of course it's not like I dislike her. it's just the role she's filling right now that doesn't sit well with me.

it seems like I'm the only one who thinks this is a big, or somewhat big, deal. and that really bothers me. that first paragraph especially. boys might really be what I feared... liars.

I also have the distinct feeling that I'm making too much of this. but I very often have that feeling, so I don't put too much stock in it.

who knows? who knows anything? who knows why I put this up here? it may only cause hurt.

that being said, Eric called me evil the other day when I said that I thought any boy who had rejected a girl deserved to be rejected himself. that it was karma. what goes around comes around.

just saying.

I think that's all. maybe too much. gosh.
I am currently Dismayed

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feminism
01/29/2004 04:28 a.m.
I've yet to be on a campus where most women weren't worrying about some aspect of combining marriage, children, and a career. I've yet to find one where many men were worrying about the same thing. - Gloria Steinem

I can't be a rose in any man's lapel. - Margaret Trudeau

Scratch most feminists and underneath there is a woman who longs to be a sex object. The difference is that is not all she wants to be. - Betty Rollin

And the crazy part of it was even if you were clever, even if you spent your adolescence reading John Donne and Shaw, even if you studied history or zoology or physics and hoped to spend your life pursuing some difficult and challenging career, you still had a mind full of all the soupy longings that every high-school girl was awash in... underneath it, all you longed to be was annihilated by love, to be swept off your feet, to be filled up by a giant prick spouting sperm, soapsuds, silk and satins and, of course, money. - Erica Jong *(thought Koye might enjoy this one)

We have to have faith in ourselves. I have never met a woman who, deep down in her core, really believes she has great legs. And if she suspects that she might have great legs, then she's convinced that she has a shrill voice and no neck. - Cynthia Heimel

I didn't want to be a boy, ever, but I was outraged that his height and intelligence were graces for him and gaucheries for me. - Jane Rule

You don't have to signal a social conscience by looking like a frump. Lace knickers won't hasten the holocaust, you can ban the bomb in a feather boa just as well as without, and a mild interest in the length of hemlines doesn't necessarily disqualify you from reading Das Kapital and agreeing with every word. - Elizabeth Bibesco

FEMINISM! YAY!

I am currently Strong
I am listening to roseanne

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a poem by Heather Nicole
01/28/2004 09:46 p.m.
you see, Robyn was thirsty and Eric told her to get a Powerade from his fridge. she said, "I don't like Powerade." he said, "maybe Mark has a soda?" so she came back with one of my Diet Cherry Cokes. my very own, my own personal Diet Cherry Cokes. MINE. so Eric told me that, and I freaked a little, and Heather witnessed it all. and after reading my "oyster mouth" poem (and saying Leon Phelps would like to read it cause he'd like to say things like "filibuster"), she wrote the lovely poem you'll find below. and made everything in the world right and happy and joyous. and that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I am so glad she'll be my roommate next year. I laughed so hard I cried. here you go.

The Loss of the Diet Coke
(read in the voice of Leon Phelps, the Ladies Man)

You let her take my diet coke!
You son of a bitch.
My capsule of silver cylindrical sex in my mouth.
A flood of pseudo sweetness invades
the hole that is my mouth.
You let her take my diet coke!
That stupid bitch.
Thief of my one carbonated joy.
I hope you choke on my diet coke.
Because of you my despondency is terminal.
Because of you I have one less moment of bubbly goodness.
You let her have my diet coke.
She took my diet coke.
You are both sons of bitches.

I LOVE HEATHER!
I am currently Happy
I am listening to typing sounds

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fractions
01/28/2004 02:56 a.m.
(saxons and satisfaction)

I started it. he finishes it.

he always finishes it.

and when he does,

no one remembers that I started it.

damn him.
I am currently Angry
I am listening to my roommate's computer sprinkling faerie dust

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a fight over pepper
01/27/2004 08:36 p.m.
yeah. I'm skipping walking class. Eric and I just had a fight. over pepper. yes, pepper. and it's like the worst one we've ever had. he left me standing in the cold for 20 minutes. it's a long story I don't really feel like telling.

anyway, he went on to anthropology cause he might have a quiz, but I was planning to skip walking anyway cause I think it might be cancelled. it's freezing outside. so yeah, I'm going to Eric's and maybe I'll take a nap or something.

I feel awful. could someone please hit me with a truck?
I am currently Sad

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ramble
01/20/2004 06:52 a.m.
sometimes it makes its way to the surface. I'll be lying there or sitting and it'll be a dull pain in my chest. maybe I'll ignore it or pretend it's something else. but he asks me what I'm feeling and there's only one thing that makes any sense.

"sad."

and there is no real reason. I usually can't point out one. I'm just sad. it's possible that the whole day could have been wonderful, but at that very second, I'm sad. and as soon as I verbalize what it is, I cry. if he's around to see it, I know he feels like it's his fault. it might not be. it might be. I don't really know most of the time. but now I know that it doesn't only happen when he's around. cause I'm feeling it right now. I don't want to call and wake him up... he has work really early in the morning. besides, I have no idea what I would say.

it's the best feeling when I can just hold him and he's not wondering why I want to. he just lets me. cause, honestly, I don't know why I want to. how could I explain it? so it's best when he doesn't wonder why. when I don't have to stick my bottom lip out for him to hug me, or tickle him in order to make him touch me. I'm allowed to hold him for as long as I want for whatever reason I want.

compromise is one of those things you really have to learn once you get into a serious relationship. and I don't want to have to explain that to him, but, oddly, sometimes it seems like he has to remind me of it. something as simple as our morning routine can cause a fight. I want to lay around for a while and plan out my day before I get moving. he wants to get up, make the bed, go about his day, listen to sports radio, do, do, do. and that can cause a fight. so we wake up, potty and brush our teeth, lay down for a minute and cuddle. once I get enough kisses and decide I'm ready to plan, we get up, start making the bed, and while we're moving, he tells me the plan for the day. compromise.

parents really do a lot to screw their children up. and I didn't even really feel the effects in my case until I went off to college. until my mother decided to confide in me about her relationship with my dad. so the relationship that I use as a base for all my relationships takes a blow, one I never really saw coming, and I'm screwed up in my thinking about things. he keeps telling me, "I'm not your dad." and he's really not, but I've become paranoid about keeping my relationship from doing what my parents' did. one of the most basic things that women require, need, value is to be desired. I'm no different. that is what keeps me from being single forever. I want to feel desired, and if I feel specifically not desired, I must be in danger of becoming old, lonely, bored, washed up. and it's minute by minute. he'll say, "I want you," and I'll be fine for five minutes. then it might occur to me that I haven't been told I'm wanted for a whole five minutes. I must be ugly, fat, undesirable.

the whole world is changing. today I feel older than I ever have. it's like you expect to feel on your birthday, but you never really get that I'm-a-year-older feeling. that's the feeling I have. and I'm going to fall asleep in astronomy tomorrow. goodnight.
I am currently Tired
I am listening to an infomercial

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boy from the TV room
01/19/2004 08:10 p.m.
WOW. I didn't even realize I had POTD until Jared's like "congrats!" and I'm like "huh?" and then I realize I have 3 extra comments and Ryan's is like "POTD!" and I'm like "huh?" and then I go look and I'm like "WOW!"

so basically I'd like to thank the boy who walked into the TV room and said, "hey baby, how you doin'? I love your eyes, baby." can you say blushalicious. nobody says stuff like that to me. but he did. and then I wrote a poem. and people liked it. so it all works out. aaaaaand this brings my number of reads up to over 10,000. that is mind blowing.

this made my day. I have so much homework to do and Eric and I just had a fight... someone at pathetic is looking out for my happiness.

:D

now off to do some homework.
I am currently Clueless
I am listening to the People's Court

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love & poetry
01/15/2004 05:08 p.m.
don't expect love to live up to someone else's poetry. write your own love poetry.

gosh, I need that lesson. a lot.

p.s. I almost just did the dumbest thing ever. am I getting smarter? maybe. last semester I might have actually gone through with it. whew. dodged a bullet there. wow.

the end.
I am currently Needy

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