Jill Scott!
01/20/2003 04:44 a.m.
I got "Who is Jill Scott?" two days ago. I feel so dumb for not buying it earlier. I loved "Gettin' in the Way" and "A Long Walk" so I'm not sure why I didn't just buy it during all the Jill Scott hype. But what happened was I went over to Eric's when he and Mark were putting together the futon and one of the only CDs he had that wasn't "evil violent gangster rap" was Jill Scott. So we listened. Wow. She's amazing. I whipped out the lyrics book and fell in love. Not to mention how great her voice is. So yeah, Jill Scott. I'm liking her a lot. It's really the only CD that might be considered "sexy." It's nice to finally have one of those.

"you got me feelin like the breeze easy and free and lovely and me / aww when you touch me I just can't control it..."

She's so great.


I am currently Sexy
I am listening to "He Loves Me (Lyzel in E Flat)" by Jill Scott

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random stuff
01/20/2003 12:37 a.m.
I guess when you don't hear someone's voice for a while you forget what it sounds like next to your ear. It's nice when you can be reminded.

That's really all I have to say about that.

I wish I weren't so insecure. The people close to me really have to deal with a lot of crap from me. Stuff they shouldn't have to worry about. I'm trying. I am.

I like Jack Johnson. Praise Ashley for having his CD and playing it in my presence. I scooted myself to Best Buy and purchased it and I'm in LOVE with it. He's neat.

Homecoming was horrible, thanks for asking. :) Nah, it was supernice to see people. But it was me, Simeon, Karla, Jon and Mary Ruth sitting there and randomly turning to each other and saying "I don't want to be here. Why are we here?" Chris was there for a little while. Eventually Ashley and Jared showed up. I was walking around with Ash when Mr. Dawson gave the results for spirit week and, stupid emotional me, I started crying. It was just this terrible night of "I'll never be this excited about anything ever again." Depressing. All those kids cheering about essentially nothing. Once they graduate they'll never do that again. And it suddenly made perfect sense to me why people ride rollercoasters and go to football games and cheer their lungs out and do drugs and have promiscuous sex and get totally drunk and have bar fights and all of that. Everything made sense.

And it depressed me. I've been in a weird mood for the past couple of days. It hasn't translated well over the phone. Big apology to my honey. Yeah. I'm silly.

I suppose that's all I have to say. Except that John and I physically ran into each other at the game and we both pretended it didn't happen. Weird.

I want it to be March right now. Please?


I am currently Scattered
I am listening to "Flake" by Jack Johnson ... again

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"last phase"
01/18/2003 08:31 p.m.
I said I wasn't going to do this anymore. I said I wasn't even going to mention him. But I can't do that. My heart is so heavy. It's filled with... just stuff. Crap. Whatever.

Is it the last phase? I hope to God it is. I don't think I can make it clear how much I want this to end. I want it to be a year later when I can come back to him and he's not upset anymore and he's moved on and we can start over. It'll never be the same. But I want to be in the stage he's in with Simeon. There's history. Some bad stuff. But that's okay. He looks at him in a good way. I don't know. I just want everything to be okay.

Maybe that's asking too much. The spoiled bitchy little princess... always wanting her way. But was "my way" really too much to ask? I didn't think so, but I guess it was.

It's not like I haven't randomly insulted him since this mess; I have. So I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that he's insulted me too. But I'm sorry it's come to this. I honestly am. He was the only good thing in my life for nearly two years. I had other people; I don't mean to slight them. But he was it. My best friend. That's not an easy thing to let go of. Whenever I express any good feelings towards him, whomever is present usually tells me to stop it and remember what he did. Encouraging me to be bitter. That's so silly. At this point, all I can do is wait. My feelings won't change. How could they possibly if they haven't already?

But I'm looking forward to whatever happens in a year or so. When for some reason we'll have to face each other and decide how we'd like to react to that. I just want to hug him again.

I am currently Tired
I am listening to "Flake" by Jack Johnson

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realizations and stuff
01/17/2003 04:53 p.m.
I really don't have anything to say. I don't really know why I'm even writing in this thing.

I'm going to homecoming tonight. That's good. I'm happy about that. But it's one of those things. I'm a little nervous to go back. People I'd rather not think about will either be in attendance or referenced in conversation. I've been trying not to think about things lately. If some painful thought comes into my mind, I just do a 180 and think of something completely different. It's probably just stalling, but oh well.

And I realized something last night. I went to watch a movie with a friend of mine... a boy. And I'm sitting there on the futon, drinking some... er... Mystic... watching Office Space and I was just struck by sadness. The thought that kept coming to me was like "Have fun, that's fine, but this boy you're with... it isn't him." And I don't even think of this boy in a dating-type way, but the fact that he's a boy reminds me of the fact that my boyfriend is so so far away. It was such a sad thought. But nice in a way. It made me realize just how much I care about him. As much fun as I can have at college with friends, it'll never be as good as if I were with him. I miss him. More than I think I can express to him. Hmm.

I had no idea I was going to write about that. Stream of consciousness, people. I still have an hour before my english class that I must find some way to kill. Lucky me. I'll probably post another journal entry tonight recounting events involved with homecoming. Not that you care.

Happy-Birthday-in-three-days-my-love. :)
I am currently Affectionate
I am listening to a printer... printing.

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are you listening?
01/16/2003 09:39 p.m.

Not something I've had to worry about lately.

But now.

I'm revisiting that awful question.

Are you listening to me?

I hate that question.

But what I hate more is when I'm talking to someone and they're not listening.

I just have to understand that I have to be the one who listens.

All the time.

And if I want to talk?

I post a journal entry.




I am currently Bothered
I am listening to boys doing chemistry homework

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poetry, homecoming, my dearest
01/16/2003 08:41 p.m.
I tried to sit and write a poem. There are a lot of feelings going on right now with me so I thought maybe something would come. It didn't. Hm. Just proves you can't force poetry.

I'm done with my long day. Woohoo. I'm going home tomorrow. And to homecoming. Which, really, I'm only looking forward to because I'll get to see Simeon, Jonna and Jared (I presume). If other kids from my class are present, that'd be joyous too. But I doubt there'll be many. Doug's not coming. That's disappointment #1. But I haven't seem Sim in a long while, so that's awesome. I wonder if any booooooys'll be there? (I'm referencing Mike Bedzyk, Matt Norris, Stephen Lee... guys who are basically mythology to me at this point.) That would be neat, but I don't think I'd even say anything to them. Except Matt maybe. But Mike? "Hi! I'm the seventh grade girl who liked you when you were a senior. You probably hated me. I was a big dork around you. A big dork in general, really." So there you go.

Maybe today wasn't such a busy day for my dearest? How do I hope! Yesterday was, and it resulted in "unkind speech" or something similar. My horoscope knows all. It's true. Ah! He's IMing me now! Joy!

Well, I'm going to go do something productive. Maybe. Maybe not. Bye bye!
I am currently Dorky
I am listening to kids talking

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now 5... I'm going to cry
01/15/2003 08:43 p.m.
Mostly because that's the coolest thing ever. But also because... how in the world can I post after this? Everything will be a disappointment. Oh well. It's not about that, honestly. So yeah, it's always been really hard for me not to get caught up in the aspect of "do you like my poetry? is it good enough for you? validate me! validate me!" I've just always been that way. I need to forget that. As cool as it is to have people read and like my stuff, it's okay if not every poem gets 5 votes. Yep. I'm talking myself into it.

Aside from that, I'm bored. I just mailed a package... :) hmmmm... wonder where it's going? Could it possibly be a birthday present? Might be...

But not a GOOD birthday present. I couldn't fit inside the little padded envelope. Sorry, honey. I tried.

I suppose that's all for now. This many journal entries in one day should not be allowed.
I am currently Awestruck
I am listening to I think i'm hearing J Lo... I could be wrong

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studying, religion, and psychology
01/15/2003 06:22 p.m.
I'm in lab. I should be writing an essay. But I don't wanna. Tommy's off studing for psych when he could be SPEAKING with me. Oh well. You know what? This is college. Studying is what we're here for. So there you go. Study all you want, hon.

I wonder how Ash did in tennis? She wasn't feeling so well.

The missionaries called last night to "check on me" ... they're very nice boys, but I don't know.

I need to find myself a Catholic with a car and see about finding myself a mass. I'm so religiously fickle. I'm sorry. You have to do things sometimes. I know what I believe. This is just sort of finding people who believe similarly and congregating with them. I just don't think I believe enough like the LDS kids to congregate. Hm, okay then. I'm crazy. Sorry.

I love my psychology class. I would SO major in that if I didn't have to go to graduate school to get certified. And it's probably too much science for me. But it is way interesting. I'm just fascinated with how people work mentally. And my teacher is great. Hysterical. Awww, I wanna be a psychology majorrrrrrr. Whinewhinewhine. I do that a lot.

Yesterday I purchased the wireless internet card for my notebook so maybe soon I'll have the internet in my room. And then neither girls in Room 3019 will have any reason to leave except for bathroom purposes. "Where are Ashley and Emily?" ... "Oh you silly, they're in room 3019... on the internet!" That's what it would sound like. If anyone ever asked about us. I certainly doubt that for me. Maybe Ash... John... :)

I'm going to go "work" now. Just checking in with you all. Mmm hm. Bye bye.
I am currently Bored
I am listening to typing... typing... they're ALL TYPING!!!

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wow... 4 votes!
01/15/2003 04:04 p.m.
I know that sounds horribly silly when some people on this site get like 10 votes on some poems but I've never gotten four before. That's a happy thing. And it's on a poem I'm feeling so much right now.

I'm not sure if it's better or worse to know what I'm missing. It wasn't easy before we met, but it's a lot less easy now. But now at least I know just exactly how amazing what I'm missing is.

It's pain, yeah, but it's some really wonderful pain. The thing that keeps me going, I guess, is the knowledge that I'll see him again. And we won't have the nerves to deal with like last time. We'll pick up right where we left off. Everything will be so much easier next time. And I can't wait.


I am currently Lucky
I am listening to people talking

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no regrets this time
01/15/2003 12:16 a.m.
I can't imagine living without this.

There are so many feelings I would be without if I were without him.

They are worth everything I've gone through.

Absolutely.

Would I do anything differently if I could?

Nope.

I am currently Seductive

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