things that occur (o:
03/07/2003 04:34 p.m.
So the big thing is I got to talk to Simeon and it was really great. He made me feel tons better about Koye... honestly, he's probably the one that could. But there was reprimanding concerning the amount of time spent with Eric... which I deserve, most likely. Tommy got in on it as well. (o:

But what I didn't think to tell Simeon is that I talked to Eric yesterday about not waiting around for something that may never happen and so on. THAT was an odd conversation. His response came in two parts. Immediately he said something about how if he started dating some girl and I "became available" we'd be back in the same situation only reversed... but he'd "be a bad guy and dump her right away." Hm. Later he told me he couldn't date anyone else. Blah. What am I supposed to do with that? It's really not fair to me. I'm feeling all guilty - for what? Having a boyfriend? Geez. That's nuts. So, you know, I told him how it is... I just hope he gets over it. I still want to be friends with him and do things and whatever, but I think he knows that's it.

That was an extremely long tangent. I was talking about Simeon... He and Tommy are going to talk maybe. I honestly think they'd get along. I hope that goes okay... eek. It means a lot, you know. Oh well.

Hey, almost forgot, Charice's roommate, Mena, asked me if I wanted to study with her and some guy (um, it was 2 in the morning and I was less than coherent) for pre-calc. I was so excited! Wow. That just made me so happy. For many reasons, really... the first being I'm doing HORRIBLY in that class. The second being she's Charice's roommate - sidenote: Eric apparently got Charice on my side and we're friends now... um. - so that's really awesome. Exciting, no? I think so.

But yeah, no headaches, guys! How happy is that? Not even a hint. Wow. I'm the woman. (o: And now it's time to print out a paper about sex education... wow. My how the topics change from Killian Hill to GSU.


I am currently Lovely
I am listening to "#1" by Nelly... stop laughing (o:

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oh blah
03/06/2003 05:11 p.m.
So whatever. You know. Some days are just really stupid days. Today is just a really stupid day. I mean, honestly, I'm so freaking glad Eric and I are going out tonight cause if there were ever a time I needed a drink, it's now. I told him he's going to make an alcoholic out of me. Heavens. I should watch that.

But I got to see Tori on Regis this morning. That made me happy. Funnily enough her new single is Taxi Ride. Fuck.

Parts of me want to bury myself... wrap myself all around like a blanket... in GA Southern. I think I'll always see this place as sort of my savior. And so many interesting things are going on just under the surface, you know? The big, heavy issues that make life interesting. Those parts of me that see that want to sit on the sidewalk and just feel a part of this. They wanna break all ties with the past. Forget about everyone and everything before college.

Somehow I know that can never happen. When I'm sitting there reading about what a great time Koye's having and how Cathy has made him so happy, I know that can't happen. Tommy read my journal entry... he said he understood. I didn't even understand at the time, really. But I do now. Koye's supposed to be my best friend and someone else is making him happy. I couldn't make him happy. That's why reading his journal entries feels like a punch in the stomach for me. I was wondering why Tommy understood. Then I realized, there've been a few references to missing Chris and Nick but none of missing Tommy. I happen to think that's not really a coincidence... I think that's going on very strategically. Very careful not-mentioning of things. But yeah, you wanted to get us? Make us understand? Hurt us like we hurt you? You got me. I understand. I'm hurting.

But whatever. Maybe I'm being presumptious to think those things. I don't know.

Blah. Today's just a stupid day. Just hurry up and be tonight.
I am currently Paranoid
I am listening to nothing

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it hurts me
03/05/2003 09:49 p.m.
Of course it does. A lot.

But that's not allowed. I won't be him here.

He's happy and that's what matters. So I'll be Emily today and not him.

Fun is great. Yeah. I'm happy for him. He deserves to have some fun. Of course.

Mashed potatoes tonight, I think. If Ashley remembers from last night. I miss mashed potatoes so much. So there. I have my fun too.

>:P
I am currently Needy
I am listening to not a whole lot

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understandings and an apology
03/05/2003 06:12 p.m.
Yeah, Tommy had a legit reason for disappearing yesterday. Don't know what I expected. :) But everything is peachy and we had good, though somewhat short talks last night and I'm feeling millions of times better about everything.

That was the "understandings" part. So now here's the "apology" part.

Sorry to Ash for mentioning of snoring. :) She is most certainly sick and can't help it! I'm insensitive and mean for bringing it up. I adore my roommate, lots and lots. Sorry Ash.

There you have it. I'm sure I'll find more to say as the day progresses.
I am currently Fine

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I think it's required
03/05/2003 12:20 a.m.
(tons of journal entries a day... I would not be complete otherwise)

But sometimes you have moments you want to document. I guess this is one of those. I'm revelling in what I'm feeling cause it doesn't make any sense. Tommy didn't call last night; he hasn't emailed yet either. I didn't see Eric after mythology as is the custom and he hasn't called. I have homework for some class, I know. I've really done nothing today. I should be a ball of sadness and guilt.

But I'm not. Cause this is one of those moments where I remember something so beautiful nothing else matters. Eric has mentioned to me his immense jealousy of Simeon. And I was thinking today, if he has anyone to be jealous of, it's Simeon. And that's pretty much how it's going to be for anyone who wants a relationship with me. Because I look at him so... fancifully? optimistically? surreally? One of those maybe. Or all. And it's nothing I can really pinpoint or explain in great detail.

He loves me. He's my friend. He commented on some of my stuff. He posted a journal entry. He's around. He's moving about and being. Somehow that's enough to make me forget the problems I have... for right now.

This moment.

I just wanted to remember that I felt like this today.
I am currently Blessed
I am listening to "Concrete Sky" by Beth Orton

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misplaced my umbrella
03/04/2003 02:43 p.m.
"And I'll be sure to call you. So worry not. You will not be neglected."

ha.

that's funny.

i'm laughing.

not really.

i've misplaced my umbrella.

I am currently Blue
I am listening to roommate snoring (she has a cold! I<3her.)

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walking and thinking
03/04/2003 04:03 a.m.
When I got dinner tonight (by myself... that's the usual) I forgot to take my keys. I didn't notice until I was half-way across campus. I wondered if Eric would be at the Chik-Fil-A. If he felt like eating, that's where he'd be. He doesn't eat very often. Only when he's really hungry. Last night he ordered lemon pepper chicken wings but when they got to him he wasn't hungry anymore. So he didn't eat them. This was at midnight.

He wasn't at Chik-Fil-A. Oh well, at least I didn't have to worry about looking silly in front of people. Tommy said when we were at Subway the last day of his visit, "This is wonderful. Eating together. Seeing each other at our most disgusting-looking." I was offended and said so. He promised he didn't mean I looked disgusting. He said he was referring to himself. He didn't look disgusting eating. A Paula Abdul song we'd heard randomly throughout his visit came over the speakers. I pointed it out. He said he noticed. When I reminded him of it later, he didn't remember. He doesn't remember things sometimes. Only the big things. And moooooons. A story about me and Callie giggling all night long.

When I finished eating I walked out of the Russel Union and stood for a second. I still had some Diet Coke left... I ordered a large. Eric showed me how to get to Hendricks from the Union once. Parts of me wanted to go see him. I knew it wasn't the best idea. Sometimes I wonder if all it takes is a boy saying he loves me, that I'm the perfect woman, that he wants to marry me for me to be interested. It's hard to walk away from a boy who says those things without the leading questions "Do you love me? Am I the perfect woman? Will you ever marry me?"

But I turned the other way and walked back to Brannen. I'd wait for someone with keys to open the door for me. I'd wait for Tommy to call. Eric called first. We talked for a while. Then I hung up to finish homework. I defined some words derived from mythological origins. I couldn't find the mythological source of "hypnotic." Natalie who sits behind me couldn't find it either. Natalie was one of the very few girls in any of my classes who had said hi to me outside of class.

And I waited for Tommy to call. And I'm still waiting. Maybe I'll sleep tonight?
I am currently Somber

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omg (again)
03/04/2003 01:28 a.m.
I don't think I've ever broken the top ten lists! Wow! And yeah, I know I'm #8 most creative and #10 best form, but that is so amazing for me. I'm bubbling over with joy, I swear. Wow. Hmm... that is the happiness in my day today.

Cause pretty much everything else was less than great. Last night Tommy told me how his talk with his parents about this summer went... blah. So here goes - our plan was for me to go to Virginia for two weeks at the beginning of the summer and for him to fly down to Georgia for two weeks at the end of the summer. But after talking to his parents, we ended up with one week for the whole summer. One week. Yeah. I was extremely upset and cried for like fourty minutes. I felt really bad cause I sort of lashed out at Tommy when he obviously didn't deserve it. Shouldn't have done that. Mmmm.

Well, I don't know. I guess that's all.

Now it's time to watch Married by America and choose the boys I want to marry that are "cute to me" as Ashley says. (o:
I am currently Jumbled
I am listening to the wee little TV

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ramblings. yeah.
03/02/2003 10:17 p.m.
Urgh. I hate pathetic. Not really. I just lost a journal entry. Oh well. I'll do my best.

In all honesty, the journal entry didn't say anything. It just mentioned the fact that this week is blurry. I'd like to forget some things about it. Others I'd like to stay in the forefront of my brain forever. Blah.

I wish I were close to Tommy. I wish I were there or he was here. It would make things a million times easier. I miss him so much.

I have a headache. I may just take some asprin and sit here with music until it's time to call my dearest. I need a drink. Someone, please. Hm. Okay, that moment's over.

I need a break. Right now. Urgh. Spring Break in a few weeks. Woo!
I am currently Overwhelmed
I am listening to "Dilemma" by Nelly and Kelly Rowland... lol (o:

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being a typical college student
02/28/2003 04:28 p.m.
I felt exceedingly like a whore in my tight shirt and with some of Ashley's lipstick smeared on my lips (I usually only wear clear lip gloss if anything) and my natural blush covered by an unnatural blush. And at one point we weren't sure if we should go. We heard that not many people were there. It was nearly 11 when we finally arrived. We'd spent about an hour talking about why I was so nervous and why I shouldn't be. Nothing worked. As we walked in, I was practically trembling. I felt the bass press on my eardrums before we were even inside. He looked at me as he paid the cover charge and said "You're going to cry, aren't you? Don't cry." So I didn't. And once we were inside and all I saw were drunken white people trying to dance, I calmed down a bit. The drink helped a little too, I think. And I met some people, mostly girls from Eric's building who, at the end of the night, instructed Eric to bring me around more often cause they liked me. I danced a while... though once we left I began to vehemently deny I did so. We walked back to my dorm from the club - that's how close it is. It only took us maybe 20 minutes. I'm not positive. And Ashley said we could have been arrested if we were seen by the police. I got back to my room and told Ashley all about it. She cleaned! I've never seen our room look so great! So today after English I'm going to go and pick up my side of the room. She's bringing a boy over. :)

That was my night. College. I don't know. I guess I feel more like an 18-year-old today than I ever have before. It's interesting.

He asked me if I'd go back with him. I think I said I would... it was a lot fun. But I'm not sure. I guess it's the kind of thing that'll work itself out.

I've just never seen so many drunk white people dancing so horribly. It was a relief, honestly. So there you go.
I am currently Surreal
I am listening to lol, the girl beside me listening to 50 Cent on headphones (o:

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