Reflecting on the old year...
12/27/2004 05:48 p.m.
I'm more than ready to say good-bye to 2004. Too much has happened this year. The "Year of the Monkey" is almost over and I am quite relieved. A year that has been marked by major, life-alterning events.

Let's lift our glasses and our spirits (both liquid and metaphysical) to 2005.

I dread (mentally and physically) going back to work next week. The only good thing about it is that there are only 5 months left until school is out for summer. I also get a three day weekend two weeks after we go back.

I have not yet done one of the things I had intended to accomplish on the winter/Christmas break. I have NOT found my resume and revamped it so that I can start sending out job applications. I hate where I am working now and I HAVE to leave. The negativity of the place is starting to seriously affect me.

I am apprehesive about making change. I always have been, but even more so now that I am solely responsible for the health and well-being of my children. Any change I make means possible changes in medical insurance, which means my son may have to change Drs. and we all know what a pain in the butt changing Drs. is.

There are no easy answers, there never are, but with this year coming to a close, it's much easier to look forward and formulate a plan for the future.

Right now I'm still struggling with indecision and conflicint thoughts and emotions, but the impetus is building.
I am currently Questioning

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In Search Of....
12/11/2004 06:04 p.m.
Peace and Tranquility...

I sincerely believe things at work are about to explode into a huge pile of manure. Things have been building over time, but are escalating.... Funny thing is that while my employer can accumulate information in my employment file from year to year and then use it as basis for non-renewal, I can only file a complaint against my employer within something like 30 days of the action that causes the dispute... I can't accumulate the information and use it as part of arbitration.... Go figure... such is life when you are in a field where the primary components are underpaid, overworked, definitely under-appreciated, and frequently used as a "scapegoat" for problems.

I'd already made up my mind to start sending out applications over the Christmas break (because I don't feel I can advocate for my son and work in the same school district), now I'm only more determined to get it done and get the heck out of here ASAP. I've been at the same location for 5 years... longer than I've ever held a single position before (I worked at the same retail store for almost 3 years while I was in college, but I was also working other jobs at the same time).. all together I have worked for this particular school district a total of more than 10 years, although I did leave for 5 years after I earned my certification.

There have been a number of things that have happened over the last 5 years that have made me consider leaving, but the real root of it stems from the end of last year, my placement in my current assignment, how it was handled, and the demands of my current placement (and my inability to meet the expectations of some administrators for me in this placement).

I've been less than pleased about this situation from the beginning. I expressed concerns from the start, but I came in with the idea that I would do my best and I could do "anything" for a year.... well, I'm beginning to wonder about making it the whole year... but I'm not ready or willing to throw in the towel before the year is out quite yet.

Needless to say, I'm on a roller coaser of emotions and thoughts right now... Not really sure how to deal with everything... Not knowing exactly what is going to happen next is the worst part I guess... I mean I have some ideas, and I can pretty well determine the worst case scenario's... and worst case will make things very difficult for me financially, but not impossible. I've been through enough in the last 6 years to know that very little is impossible....

God, Thank you for the support you have given me, through friends, family and Your word, and please give me strength, keep me strong, give me a clear mind and don't let my emotions get in the way of my judgement....
I am currently Bothered

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Dear Dr. Phil...
12/02/2004 05:55 p.m.
I know not everyone thinks much of Dr. Phil, everyone has their own opinion, I've listened to him, watched him and read some of his books, I find him to be not only very knowledgeable and articulate, but also feel he is a caring and compassionate person.

Anyway, I think I am going to write him a letter. I am at my wits end with things at this point.

My son was given Section 504 status at school, but the teachers and some of the administrators are still not willing to give him the accomodations he truly needs. Because I work in the district and my son attends the same school as I work at, I do not feel free to be the advocate my son truly needs. I fear (even if it is my own perception) that if I fight for his rights I am jeapordizing my job security.

I am also fed up with my son's psychiatrist. His meds have been increased AGAIN. My son is virtually sleep walking through his life right now. One of his meds has been increased to 600 mg/day, more than my adult friend had been taking when she was on it. My son hates the Dr., he HATES having his blood drawn every other month (he cried this morning the whole time!) and he has even started modifying his diet hoping that he can get OFF of the meds.

I believe that IF I could find the right Dr. (and the Dr. has to be on my insurance) that my son could learn to cope with/manage his disability through therapy, counseling and changes in his eating habits. The problem is I don't have the resources to do it all on my own. This is soo frustrating!
I am currently Frustrated

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Enraged at my counterparts
11/05/2004 09:42 p.m.
I am REALLY going to control myself, and mind that I don't break the code of conduct, but when you read this you can probably imagine the explitives that are racing through my mind.

Some of you know the struggles I have gone through with my oldest son the past few years, and the diagnosis which he recently received. Some of you know that my sons also lost their father over the summer while they were visiting.

My oldest son has gone into a tailspin. His academic performance and achievement have plummetted. Last year on achievement tests he was at or above grade level. This year on the same achievement test he tested 3-4 years below grade level. He is failing several classes.

I do not want my child identified and labelled as Special Ed. with an Emotional Disturbance. He had the same ED last year and performed well, but he was not in a constant state of depression.

My son attends the school where I teach, and I am desperately trying to get him qualified as a person with a disability under 504. The administrator over curriculm and his teachers have absolutely no empathy or sympathy, and seem to be dragging their feet on the paperwork to qualify him. I actually had the administrator tell me.... "clinical depression is just an excuse... he just has to get over it and deal with it or he's going to get further behind.... there are other things that can be done... I was clinically depressed when I was in 7th grade and he just needs to get over it", but she also didn't lose her father.... to say that I am incensed is putting it mildly.

I no longer know what to do, but, I know I have to do something! My son is under the care of a Psychiatrist, he has been in counselling (the counselor said he doesn't need to come back unless he wants to, and he is in a grief support group. At this point I am debating whether I should allow the school time to put him in 504, or just withdraw him from school now and place him in the school he's supposed to attend, or should I quit my job, try to live off of their SS check, work part-time and home school my son?

How can professional educators be so callous and uncaring?

Angry doesn't even begin to describe my mood.
I am currently Angry

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November 2, 2004
11/02/2004 02:26 p.m.
*Highly editorial content*

And this my friends is the day on which many of us can exercise the greatest privelege (now a right) that has been granted to us by our constitution... the right to vote... to have our voice heard.

I took the opportunity to vote early; with everything that has happened over the past month I didn't want to end up in the hospital and not be able to vote. Even voting early I had to stand in line for an hour! Having worked past elections, including a couple of presidential years, I'm excited to see so many people voting!

No, the candidates I want in office might not win, but with record turnouts expected (I wonder how many of the deceased registered voters will be casting ballots today?), at least people are taking an interest in their government and their country and aren't being complacent and apathetic. Complacency is a disease that maims, destroys and kills.

So today I will drive by the polling, smile when I see the lines, and thank God I'm not standing in those lines. Tonight I will watch the news as the polls close,and the lines gradually dwindle, and before I go to bed, I will pray, and thank God for the blessing of being born in a time and in a country where I have the freedom to vote...

and then.... I'll wait, as all of the accusations about falsified voters registrations, and voting machine malfunctions arise... as I'm sure they will.
My state and Florida both use the "new" E-slate system... no paper back-up, what genius devised this system? Really, is this better than counting Chads?

Maybe by the end of the month we'll know who the President will be? This could make or break some Thanksgiving gatherings. If it comes closer to Christmas, some may lose all of the merry spirit. What kind of New Year's Resolutions will we hear about this year. Will Hollywood has beens once again threaten to leave the country? Or will it be Joe Citizen who declares enough already? I've overheard several conversations of people who are considering life on the other side of the US border (North or South) depending on the outcome. A bit extreme in my opinion, but if they actually follow through... you have to admire them for the strength of their convictions.

November 2, 2004... Election Day... Be safe in your journeys, sound in your decisions, firm in your convictions... and may God bless you on your path.
I am currently Thoughtfull

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All smiles on a Friday...
10/29/2004 01:30 p.m.
Of course, many teachers smile on Friday, at least by 3:45 pm... but my smile started about6:30 last night, my b/f is back from Dallas for the weekend, after being gone for 10 days. =) Unfortunately, he has to go back on Sunday =(, but hopefully only for two weeks, and then he'll be done up there for a few months at least.


*Warning - this section is a little gross*

As far as this whole MRSA thing... well it's a slow process. My lastest two incisions are healing slowly... it would be nice if I could quit bumping them all the time, but that's like trying not to hit your sore thumb. The infection in those is almost completely cleared and the drainage has almost stopped. The two new absesses (#4&5) are going down slowly. I hope that they go away completely and I don't have to go through lancing them. I'm still having a few "break-out" spots... the look like ant bites or little pimples with a purple-red foundation. Folks, if you get something like this, don't mess with it get to the Dr. quick! I don't think I'd wish this on my worst enemy, well, maybe someone like Saddam or Michael Moore, but...

My b/f has had a few "boils" he's been dealing with since his initial spider bite as well. After seeing what my latest incidents resulted have resulted in, he is going to his Dr. this morning. We are both tired of dealing with this since it's been going on for more than a month now! As much as I hate hopsitals, I'd rather be admitted and put on IV's or whatever to get this out of my system once and for all!

Well, I guess that is enough cheerfulness for today. Everyone have a GREAT weekend, I know I will!

I am currently Cheerful

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That itsy bitsy spider...
10/26/2004 01:20 p.m.
deserves a slow, torcherous and painful death!

I finally have an appt. with my doctor about all these damn absesses. To think this all started a month ago from a spider bite! Last week I went back to the Dr. (but not my own, another dr. with the same medical group) with two more absesses. Since their own surgery department couldn't see me the same day he told me to go to Urgent Care. My blasted insurance better cover it, they've already jerked me around over another ER visit at the beginning of the year. Anyway, the hospital was pretty cool about it, they've been seeing more than a dozen absesses a day there, and most of them have been MRSA... lovely, something I can have for the rest of my life I guess... they gave me an IV, with antibiotics and then morphine before they gave me a local for the incisions. Morphine isn't all it's cracked up to be, but at least I was in a "who cares" mood afterwards.

It appears that I have yet another absess, right next to one of my recent incisions, and also a swollen area under my arm. I don't know how much more of this I can take, mentally more than physically, but it's becoming very trying. I hope there is an end to this SOON!
I am currently Frustrated

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Will I get "Spidey" senses?
09/24/2004 01:38 p.m.
From the blasted spider bite on my stomach? I assume that is what bit me. My B/F just got medical release from the Dr. from a bite he got at my house almost 3 weeks ago, now I have this horrible thing on my stomach and it HURTS! I can barely stand to wear my clothes (but can't afford to miss work and can't report naked either)because everything rubs across it. I just hope the Dr. can give me something to help QUICK.

Well gotta run it's that time again.

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Life as we know it...
09/08/2004 01:40 p.m.
is a roller coaster ride. You know one of those g-force ones that keeps you glued to your seat, so all you can do is buckle in and hold on tight!

Took my oldest son to the counselor at his psych's office yesterday. The counselor is suggesting a med check because my son should NOT be having the violent rages he's been having. He even mentioned hospitalization, in front of my son. I told him I didn't think that option was in the best interest or would actually be of any benefit to my son. He acknowledged that most of the time when people are admitted to the hospital it doesn't really "fix" the problem, it just keeps them from being a danger to themselves or others.

My son has also been complaining about chest pains so... He has an appt. with his pediatrician on Friday. He goes back to the psych and the counselor on October 6.

Got an interesting phone call yesterday. Danny "boy".... he's had my phone number since the boys' dad died and he didn't bother trying to call until yesterday. The guise of his phone call was to see how the boys were doing, but it didn't take long before he was asking how I was doing etc. Yeah, ironic how guys take off for one reason or another and then keep tabs to see if your still available at their convenience. I was very happy to tell him I am seeing someone..... not so much happy as in "nah, nah, see what you missed out on"... but just happy to be able to say I had someone great in my life.

"He" came over last night. It was great to spend time with him, especially since he might be sent to Florida soon. If he goes he'll be there any where from 2 weeks to 2 months... Is it terrible of me to hope that he doesn't get to go? Whatever the outcome, it'll all be ok.

Fall baseball is starting up... My youngest son starts practice tonight. My oldest son will be starting in the next week or so. It'll keep me busy again, but hopefully it will run some of the energy out of him. I said that last time too, but it didn't really help much. Hopefully we'll find a solution soon. A large part of the vicious emotional cycle is he doesn't get enough sleep.... He can't/won't allow himself to settle down early to get to sleep, so he's getting about 5 hours of sleep at night during the week. Then he's tired and cranky all day, and he doesn't cope well with his daily stresses, which starts triggering the things that cause him to rage, which makes it more difficult for him to settle down at night and go to bed at a decent time. ... ARGH! no wonder I have so much grey hair!

Well now that I've bored you all to tears, gotta get running and get to work. Take care y'all!
I am currently Blessed

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Wow
08/30/2004 01:17 p.m.
A Hellasciouslybusy weekend! Can't put it all here now, or maybe ever... best to keep somethings to yourself sometimes.

Suffice it to say, the bi-polar meds aren't working the way they should be, there were a lot of rages this weekend, including a couple of potentially dangerous ones. Thankfully, I'm starting to be able to separate my emotions from the attacks. Yes, it still hurts... both watching him go through this and the personal attacks, but... I'm getting stronger and now have someone else to lean on when it gets tough.

Well we're doing achievement testing all day today and tomorrow, and seeing as I've only had about 8 hours of sleep all weekend, it's gonna be an excrutiatingly LONG day.

ttfn
I am currently Better

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