Here before you is a story which shall never be told. It is a testament to the old ways of
seeking solace among ashes from ashes. It has the Phoenix soaring towards a bleeding sky but
the creature’s wings are broken & she will never fly again. It is not an uncommon fault to
be born only to die. Yet even as senseless as this may seem to your wide open child mind,
there is a beautiful world imbued with diamonds spinning side by side. It dwells within you
& I. It is a sight to see for those who have the heart to look. Don’t look now. Listen
instead if you must but prepare your world for a land without sound. Please understand what
I do not; there are sights & sounds we will never know. I told you not to listen but will
you ever learn? Hello? Are the there? This is your mother speaking. Hello?

Don’t look now. Don't try to hear the whispers between the wind & the wind’s father. They
were never meant for you. I wrote a novel I wanted you to read but I do not have the right
to give you something I have never owned & will never be able to read myself even if I
wanted to. All I am certain of is it is something so beautiful & enchanting it could sear
into nothingness those super-planets rotating backwards behind your eyes. Dwarf stars are
sometimes brighter than their brothers and sisters who loom larger than life itself.

The sun is dancing a waltz & she is beginning to heat up the dance floor. She’s on fire. You
don’t understand? I know, I heard you already. You will never understand until you can read
this novel. Not until you learn the new language of the new way will you ever be able to
dance this waltz yourself. You need to be on fire. But there is good news for us today. The
orchestra has just finished tuning its strings. Sit back with me, won’t you? Take your shoes off.
Let’s take a look & listen together. Let’s fade into god together.

He said he wrote a novel. He said it was a great book. I didn't believe him either. I prayed
it was not true. I asked my personal Jesus to reveal him the blasphemer I knew he was. I
thought he was. Don’t look at me that way. You said so yourself. Why did I listen to you?
You said he was a child of the devil but I knew better. He doesn't have the devils’ eyes. I
do but he doesn’t. Yet still I prayed it was not true.

This reminds me of something I wrote while fleeing a Dallas rehab one morning more years ago
than I can remember. After the principal investigative psychiatrist there told me there was
nothing he could do for me & that I simply enjoyed being high, and that there were no issues
they could see that they might be able to beat out of me with a baseball bat & hat it would
be best for all concerned if I just go home as fast as I can & return to paradise. That is
exactly what I did, returned to paradise.

4:35 AM Dallas, Texas, USA: As the taxi careened through hollowed & empty streets towards
the airport, I wrote ~ INCINERATE MY SAVAGE SOUL ~ I AM PAPER BURNING AT ALL MY EDGES ~ YOU
ARE THE SMOKE I BECOME… smoke … paper … something is on fire this very moment… that novel as
it teeters on the edge of my tempered glass desk in my garden where all my animals come to
pray & play with me. They do so because I have lovingly nurtured our spirits together to a
trust, admiration & respect. You may never disappoint your creatures, ever. They will
remember that and why do so for shame? Because if you are not allowed to say, ‘Yes, I’ll do
that” or “I am on my way” & they wait but you do not come, their grief is their
disappointment & the rain that falls onto the parched landscape of your barren world will
never help a flower bloom. Flowers will not grow in a no man’s land even if it rains forever.

I have a novel on fire teetering ever closer to the edge of my glassine desk … oops, ah
shoot … there it goes … it just fell into my trash. There are billions of timeless symbols
on all sorts of papers & such, some thousands of years old & some even older than that. You
still haven't read them. Me neither & we never will. Are you listening to me? Look at me? Do
you hear what you are saying using my fingers & my mouth to say it?

I have a dream … it is a dream in which we fade into fireworks that sparkle forever without
a pause because forever never stops coming. Our universe is expanding so fast that if you
lay down your garments near the waters of the creek of forgiveness, good luck trying to
retrieve them. They are billions of lights years away already. Never fear. Yes, our universe
is expanding very fast indeed as a healthy heart beat tends to do. It beats in beats out …
just as the breath of the creator of everything & more does. We are exhaling in unison this
very magic moment but soon we shall inhale & once again & again, over & over & over it goes,
a perpetual blossoming. For now, may we only speak of hope. That’s what love is. Hope. Now
let us all go back to paradise & fade into god together.

04/18/2015

Posted on 04/18/2015
Copyright © 2025 Scott Utley