It was a Saturday night and I opened my door
When I heard two knocks
It was the first date and I had bought a new dress
It hugged in all the right places,
But left just enough to the imagination
So I didn’t give off *that* impression
He gave me the once-over and I asked
“How do I look?”
A 15-second pause later and his response was this:
“What are those newfangled tight things? Spanx?
You should try them.”
I looked him square in the eye and said
“Thanks, but uhm, I’m already wearing them.”
And shut the door in his face.

You see, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Wait no, that’s not right.
Beauty is in the eye of man.
Because man told me that I’m too fat for this dress.
And man is the one who asked “Is it normal to have your thighs touch like that?”
And man is the one who said my nose is too big for my face
And you know, rhinoplasty is just so common these days, why don’t I look into it?
And man is the one who pointed out that one of my breasts is larger than the other one
And I should really fix it.
But despite all of man’s sayings, I’m not a man-hater
I think I have just decided it is my job in life
To be a man-educator.
To show men that my thighs will in fact touch like this
Because I have wide enough hips to
Give birth to their baby.
And one of my breasts will always be larger than the other
Because more blood is pumped to the right one
Since that’s where my heart is.
And even if he breaks it someday,
It will still be beating.
And he’s got to be kidding about the nose job
Because has he looked in the mirror?
I’ll teach men that curves are beautiful
And so are bones
But don’t hold one woman’s beauty
To a different standard
Because of another woman.
We are all beautiful.
And by the way,
I look damn good in this dress.

01/15/2014

Posted on 01/15/2014
Copyright © 2025 Caitlin Schwartz