I am going.

It was the unrelenting summer
that heated my desires
for change, my lust
for wander, the months
of inaction driving me away.

More than ever, I was having
premonitions. More than ever,
I felt as if I stood at a
dead end.

Too dramatic.
More like a cul-de-sac.
Too escapable.
More like I missed my turn,
came here,
and seeing no way forward,
stood still
for years while the path
was cleared.



fig. 1, point J at center of circle J

Yes, I can walk to the edge,
stroll around 2π365x,
where x is the future,
but I am encapsulated,
more like



fig. 2, trapped.

Yes, point J can find work,
settle down, live within his
circle, but it is looming now
and a dome, a sphere,
and it might be my imagination,
but I think it's getting smaller.

I decided to break out,
so I am going.



fig. 3, point J, going, existing
beyond the circle, which is now
circle D

Ideally, that would be the case.
However, I retain my sphere;
once I feel I have broken free,
I see it on the horizon,
I have never left,
I move and it moves,
I never reach the edge
the edge always trails me.



fig. 4, the essence of being

After all, once I've gone,
I'm more or less the same.
I attract the same people,
I retain the same habits,
the same patterns and space.

Is it better, then, to accept
one's status as a point in space,
to inhabit one's own sphere,
to learn and define it,
or should one learn and define
oneself as a point within a sphere,
and know that sphere as a means
of knowing oneself.

Either is an admission of defeat.

In conclusion, I am going.
I am going where I will not be solved
or sutured or safe or solitary,
leaving haunts and hauntings,
for new puzzles and possessings,
and I will look back
I will look back.

But I am going, still.

08/14/2010

Author's Note: fig. 5, Slayer

Posted on 08/15/2010
Copyright © 2025 Jason Wardell