Nobody knows that I still struggle with these urges.

Everyone knows and they pretend it doesn't exist.

If they have the boldness to bring it up, it is a trigger.

If they don't, that too is a trigger.

Don't speak of it.

Speak of it and I will love you forever for your bravery to acknowledge it.

This is my dichotomous life.

I pass out and I may not wake up.

If you wake me, I may hate you forever.

No matter the action you choose, it will father the same fate for me.

Nobody can help and nobody can hinder.

It is in me.

It is an addiction.

I need a few days to meditate on who I am and who I'd like to be.

I've failed on my New Year's Resolution, and yet I am succeeding.

What say you, I care about.

What say you, I will never mind.

Every choice leads to that ubiquitous, unchanging outcome.

Live.

Live like I can't.

Live like I could, although I choose not to.

The responsibility is mine and mine alone.

I take to heart that which I can never realize.

I will not die by the hand of God, but by my own.

Control is all we really have.

Remember that, as you too can choose your time.

01/26/2008

Author's Note: 1/28 - Finally edited through sober eyes.

Posted on 01/26/2008
Copyright © 2025 Nikki Rice