Why can't I fall into a hug? When did I become so uncomfortable leaning on another person's shoulder? I'm so tired of seeing people hold each other and sob their eyes out. I remember doing that when I was little. If I had a problem, my mom would hold me and I would cry; I would cry until I was so worn out that I didn't have the energy to be sad anymore. I never felt guilty for crying back then. Just like everything in my life, it seemed so much simpler when I was a child. Now I'm uncomfortable when people try to cheer me up. In one respect, it does help to know they care, but in another light, I want to tell them to get the fuck away from me. It's embarrassing for me to cry, and to have someone take me in their arms and try to coax emotion out of me is scary. I don't want to break down on them, so why do they put me in that situation? I guess because they care about me. But I know how that goes. Love and friendship are so conditional. Why would I give all of myself to someone when I know it will end sooner than I wish? I need to, I guess... but I can't. Isn't there some alternative? Is it possible to live completely inside yourself? I feel like I've come to a point of no return - I'll never be able to feel that safeness of a hug, the release of tears on my mother's shoulder. I wish someone could show me how to feel that way again.

06/29/2003