As I sit here and time ticks slowly by
I think of all the past memories
Stored in my head, and think of the
Many friends I have left behind
And wonder what has happened to
Them, and where they might be.
I think back to all the fun times
We had together, and all the trouble
We got into. The happy memories
Surface first to make way for the
Horrible ones that are to follow.
There is no changing the order
For this is how they always come,
First the good then the bad.
The images flash in my head
And next comes the sound with it
And I can feel the emotions this
Very moment as I did back then.
After the bad, comes the sad and
these are the ones I dread the most
for most have to do with death.
I often think of death and what a peace
It would bring to my life. Not having to
Deal with money, fighting, bills, and other
Unpleasant things in my life that I do
Not wish to deal with. And after the yearning
Is over I think of how my death would
Affect my friends and family, and the
Sadness it would bring to their lives.
Next comes the thought of anger,
Anger towards myself and how I could
be that selfish to want to cause my
family and friends such pain.
The next step is the calm in the
Center of my mind, knowing that I
Couldn’t cause them such pain
And grief. That I could never take
My life with my own hand on purpose.
So once these thoughts leave, I feel
Myself stable once again, and begin
To brace myself for when these
thoughts shall once again return.

01/29/2001

Posted on 09/20/2001
Copyright © 2025 Angela Hanska