I don't want to go
08/23/2002 10:22 p.m.
Apparently I should be downstairs right now, visiting with family I won't be seeing for a while. It seems unimportant at this time. I love my family so much, please don't get me wrong. I have the best parents, the best grandparents and (though I may not act like it all the time) the best siblings. I couldn't have chosen a better family. But I can't keep my thoughts from being with my friends. I have to start with John because that's what current. I don't suppose I expected a response from him, but one would have been nice. This just basically sealed the deal. It made me realize that - hey, it's over. Done. No more worrying. So I'm sincerely not upset about that. What I AM upset about, is the leaving of the real friends. I don't consider myself to be a good friend. When browsing my track record when it comes to friendship, you can see it's not great. Bad, even. And people don't want to put up with that. Why should they? I wouldn't. And then along comes someone who can surpass even your own tolerance for yourself. Someone who sees past the petty annoyances :) and stays. Obviously I'm talking about Koye. I have no idea how I would have survived this long without Koye. No one could ever EVER replace him. The fights, the problems, they're nothing. They're totally unimportant and minute. Forgotten. No person could come close to being what he's been for me. And now there's this whole scheduling conflict where we're hundreds of miles apart. All I can really think about that is thank God we have some good technology. But it will be SO different. Koye, and by extension the telephone, have been a set part of my day all year long. And now, that's being taken away. That sucks. We have to rely on email and phone cards for that once-a-week call. And that'll have to be enough. Let me say, it'll never be enough. Whoever designed the way school works had to be a sadist. Let's throw you in here for ten years with people you'll grow to love and admire and then once you're done, rip you away from them violently and without much thought. So this is it. Being ripped apart. It's more physically painful than I'd expected. My stomach has been in knots since Monday. It's not getting any better. So I just want you all to know - Koye, Jonna, Simeon, Jared, you kids who see this "pathetic" thing - I love you. You've been the world to be and will continue to be. You probably have no idea how much I hate having to go away or how much I'll think of you when I do. I need address, both home and email, so I can send things. Like, I don't know, napkins with runny ink or something nicked from the dating parlor or a pretty rock or a card that says "meet at thirteen o'clock under the tree that grows hearts and raspberries" ... things like that. I don't want to go. I think I've said that sentence more than any other this week. I don't want to go. I want to stay and work at a dead-end job and be a bum and just hang all day. I don't want to go. And now, ironically, I have to go. It's dinner time and the chickens are all cooked and I have to go feast upon them. Did I mention that I don't want to go?
I am currently Overwhelmed
I am listening to the extremely loud whirring of a fan