today
08/01/2002 05:11 a.m.
I went crazy again today ... okay so I stole that line from Fiona Apple. But I did. And I got overemotional and just had a huge cry. It all stems from, I don't know, a buildup of paranoia and anger. I expect a lot from people - probably too much. And that's just crazy. I'm always asking for that one last percent. Koye pointed that out. I could have 99% and I wouldn't be happy till I'd sussed out that one last percent. (a Bjork word - sussed...) And that's really not fair. I shouldn't ask so much. Especially when I already get so much. I'm sorry. So a part of me was addressed tonight that I'm not really sure about. I'm confrontational usually. If someone pisses me off, I'm going to call him or her up and say "Hey, that pissed me off and here's why and don't you do it again, or else..." And if I get into an argument with someone, I'm coming with all my guns out. There is an arsenal and when war starts I don't reserve any weapons. I lay them all out on the table. I don't hold back when I'm angry. But what really hurt me tonight, what made me hang up the phone was that I'd do that to anyone, everyone. That is not true. There are people that mean everything to me. It would be impossible for me to destroy any part of these people because to do so would be to kill myself along with them. No one really plans on self-injury - at least not usually - so I would not do that. There are people that I love so so so much that I can't fathom hurting them intentionally. And it scares me when those people don't know when they're included in that group. It's way limited. But you know, when you're on the phone with someone everyday, when you see someone almost every week, when you tell someone everything ... if they're not one of those people, who is? I guess that's why I freaked out. Because I don't let people know how I feel or I don't demonstrate how I feel accurately. I'm sorry. In the end it all comes down to the fact that everything is okay. I'm not angry, they're not angry. The whole result of this craziness is hopefully the knowledge that there are some people I don't ever intend to hurt in any way ever ever. I hope this wasn't way too personal to share with the whole "pathetic" community : ) Ah well, transparency, right? It's a good thing. I'm tired and things are indeed playdoughieish. It's time to go to bed. Love be thine. : )
I am currently Sad
I am listening to "Paper Bag" by Fiona Apple