missing him and masks
07/31/2002 05:49 a.m.
I REALLY miss him. I don't know why. Maybe it's just because I need a man. But he was so sincere. So submissive. Sensitive. And he liked me. And I liked him. It all sounds really great, huh? But Koye's right - it would get to be too much for me. I wouldn't be able to deal with how servile he is. It would be hard not to take advantage of. And the last thing I'd want would be to take advantage of him. But could we make it work? That question keeps everything alive. That "maybe it could work..." hope. He was a great guy, though. Sincerely. And I miss him . . . I meant to talk about masks. So far all I'm thinking is that they're irrational. People who wear them make no sense to me. It seems like too much work for minimal results. I think I'm a pretty sensitive person. I don't handle criticism well at ALL. I'm big on crying when someone goes "Well, you just aren't good at that." It hurts when people reject you or think you're not good enough. I'm not immune to that hurt. I just think I can accept it, cry a bit and then think "Who are they to know? Who are they to judge?" Cause no one can judge me. No one but God is worthy of that. That's why I never criticize others. Because it's a terrible feeling to feel. And what right do I have? So masks just, what?, cover up that hurt? Eliminate that hurt cause that was never really you to begin with? That doesn't make any sense to me. Why not just be you and if someone doesn't like it, screw them. Who cares about them, who needs them anyway? Certainly not you. You know? I have always had that little wondering in my mind -- "Do I really wear a mask? Am I just hiding from myself and others?" -- but I think that's something a person would be conscious of. Transparency is hard not to give in to for me. I may reveal too much of my real self. Ah well, masks . . . I don't know. I think they're pointless. If a friend really loves you, they'll love you for who you really are, no matter what that is. Otherwise, all your friendships are based on lies. That's what scares me. Don't even get me started on this whole "real self" mess . . . I don't know what to think about it. I think a mask is a mask, not a self. A mask by definition is false. If it's not, it's not a mask. At least that's what I think. I want to go watch the last 10 minutes of Rendez-view. (play on French words!) : ) Okay, goodnight.
I am currently Reflective
I am listening to Rendez-View on my TV