going to college
07/14/2002 11:29 p.m.
I didn't intend to ever discuss this, because I think all my major problems with life are intertwined with this and to actually outline the "big picture" by starting at the top would sincerely take years and years and years. But I think it must be said that going to college was NOT an easy decision. I didn't look at my life when I was in high school and say "Well, I suppose four years of college is the next step." It was not my idea to spend four years at a college where I can't listen to contemporary music, get near a boy, transfer to a better college, just generally do what I'd like to do. That was not my pretty little vision of my life. Not at all. What would I like to do? Move to London, buy a crappy flat, work at a crappy waitressing job and attend mass every Sunday. That sounds like the most beautiful plan in the world to me. But the first thing on my list of things to do in life is *stay alive* which includes not having to rely on my parents to do so. I need to be independent. It's part of what my personality is all about. But I can see very very plainly that if I ever want to get back to England and survive over there, I need to be able to get a job a bit better than waitressing. I don't want to do that for my whole life. I need something that will propel me into a higher, broader range of work opportunities. What'll do that? A degree. Even a degree in English from a silly college in South Carolina. So it's not that I'm allowing the plan of my life to be drawn out for me. Or that I'm just doing what kids are supposed to do when they graduate from high school. I have dreams that I want to attain. Goals my heart needs to reach. And to do those things, logic dictates that I have to go to college. What is normal, honestly? Everyone does things for different reasons. There is no normal. And by extention, there is no different. People are just trying to get there. Wherever it is that they long to be. Some think it's a good idea to go to college, some don't. Does that make one better than the other? Obviously not. Life is not easy. Decisions aren't easy. And it's mean and thoughtless to assume that someone else has an easier time with life or decisions. Koye didn't know he was going to Baltimore his junior year of high school. He was one of the first (if not the first) to declare his disdain for the idea of college. But he is going to Baltimore. He reached that decision due to many different factors that no one but he can claim to know or understand. And it's not anyone's place to say "Well, you're going to college. THAT says something about you..." Because no one has any idea and it's silly to assume you do. And it has taken me months to know what direction I'm heading in during college. A major is a hard thing to choose. I may still change my mind. And I resent the fact the some people don't understand all the sacrifices people who are going to college have to make. There are quite a few. That needs to be seen. The only reason I wrote this journal entry is so that I can state my mental stance that no one's life is easier than anyone else's. And it's wrong to assume that something like that is even possible. Everyone has his own path to follow. And it's hard enough to stay on that path without people taunting you about how easy your path must be.
I am currently Strong
I am listening to "Miss You Love" by Silverchair