what is love?
07/10/2002 06:33 a.m.
So I've been wanting to recount this story for a while but never had the drive or the time or something. Anyway, it's about love in general - which is not something I usually give a lot of thought to. Love for me is usually about one person and is made very specific for him. But Koye and I were asking each other the question "Have you ever been in love?" I, of course ever dense, need an explanation as to the differences between "loving" and "being in love." So Koye gives them, using the "you love your friends - you're in love with a spouse" idea. So have I ever been in love? Yes. Once. I'm fairly sure. It's not who you think. Anyway, Koye mentions that if he's ever really been in love, he must have been in love with a lot of people because that feeling occurs frequently. So somehow I go into an irrational tangent mainly wondering how he could love a certain person. (because I'm a very mean person sometimes). He wanted to know why he shouldn't love that person. "Because that person does NOT deserve your love." He said "That's silly, everyone deserves love." I said "No, no one deserves love." Koye - "That's the same thing - if no one deserves it, then everyone deserves it." And then for some reason I felt the need to outline how love works. (though I'm truly the last person who should talk.) "Love is when you realize that no one really deserves love but you like someone and are compatible with someone to a point that you want to spend the rest of your life with them so you offer to love them despite the fact that they (and you) don't deserve love. And love is completed and is truly love when the other person does and feels the same thing." So basically I said that love is a sham. A deal to be negotiated. A bargain two unworthy people work out to become worthy. After time to think about it, that is the single silliest explanation of love I've ever heard/given. People don't plan out love. Koye called me on how ridiculous my idea was right then and there, but, being stubborn (and mean, remember) I denied it. At the time, it made sense. But when I loved, did I think that boy didn't deserve my love? Of course not. Of course he deserved it. Of course I was willing to give it without a "finishing contract." I never expected his love in return. And I didn't necessarily intend to spend the rest of my life with him. So I think the moral of this story is that it is impossible to explain what love is. And when you try, you come out looking pretty stupid. We can only comment on the feelings before, during and after love hits us. So do I understand why Koye loves this person? Surely. Of course. Obviously. Love isn't rational. It doesn't make sense. It's not supposed to. That would take the fun from it. So, yes, I do understand. And I don't need to know why. I think on some level I do know why. And you know what? Love is good. Even when it hurts. Even when you think nothing will ever be right again. Love is good. And (this thought is mainly for Jonna) it comes to you. Eventually love finds you. I have no doubt that you'll meet a boy who sees all you have to offer. Yes ... ALL you have to offer!! It's immense. Once you see that about yourself - that you DO have so much to offer - you'll realize that it's nearly impossible for you to go on being without a boy noticing it. Give yourself time to grow up, give boys time to grow up. I don't worry about your future in regards to love at all. I know you don't believe me and you don't care to hear it, but I'm being completely serious and honest. Lyrics make it right :) "It's a matter of time and faith." (Shakira, she knows...) So love ... ? That's what I was talking about, right? I'm praying guys at Bob Jones won't all be chauvinistic. That would be a gift. And maybe I can get myself some of that love stuff. :) In conclusion, Koye and Jonna -- I love you guys. Thanks for being yourselves with me. They're some truly great selves. :) It's late and mommy will fume if she finds I'm online. Goodnight.

** hey Koye, note the mood - I'm a handsome, mysterious swordsman!!**
I am currently Mysterious
I am listening to "Sombra De Ti" on the Shakira MTV Unplugged DVD : )