finally... a post-graduation entry
05/29/2002 05:40 a.m.
I think on some level, I knew he wouldn't be there. His being there would throw everything out of whack. Craziness would have ensued. He would never have put himself into a situation that could have gotten sentimental or emotional. He'd never go there unless he absolutely had to. I know all that now, and I knew it then... regardless, it hurt. It hurt more that words can express. Not everyone saw what it did to me, actually, just my mom saw. I got into her car and cried as I haven't cried in years. I gasped and gulped and snorted and made all kinds of awkward sounds and I banged my head on the window and hit the dashboard with my fists as hard as I could and went on about how stupid I was and how, if he didn't really care about me, he shouldn't have kissed me and on and on in like manner. This lasted for about thirty minutes. I've never hated him... or myself, for that matter... so much. But for that period - from after graduation on Friday 'til the moment he stepped into my house on Sunday - I hated him. With every fiber of my being, I hated him. I even made plans for my life without him. I decided that since he was abandoning me this summer (which he still is, by the way...) I was going to have my own fun without him. I was going to streak my hair pink (which I still plan to do, by the way...) and go to bunches of emo concerts and flirt shamelessly 'til I found a boy a million times better-cooler-smarter-sweeter-handsomer-lovelier than him. Then I'd go from there. That was the plan. And then... he stepped into my house on Sunday. It was a party for my mom really. I didn't invite any of my friends - not counting him - so it wasn't really my party. I thought that after not showing up at graduation, there would be no way he'd come to this graduation shindig my mom was throwing (for her, really...). No way... no WAY he'd show up. Well, he did. And he bought me a lamp. With butterflies on the shade. Did I tell him I loved butterflies? I can't remember. He picked it out himself. His mom picked out the card, of course. Sentiment, you know. But he picked out the lamp... with blue and pink butterflies on the glass shade. It is really beautiful. We plugged it in... the bulb burned really brightly for a few moments and then burned out. A few days later my dad said "Hmmm, maybe that was an omen of some sort... ?" He was joking, but it made me sad. Sad to think that our relationship could do that. It almost did. I was ready to throw it away. I was holding it - by a thread - over the trashcan. He stopped me. Just that concept... that he stopped me... it makes everything better. I'm still angry he didn't come. Apparently, they were having their floors redone and the guy who was doing it got there late and they couldn't make it to graduation in time. Their PHONES were still working though... hmmm... oh well. I guess not everyone understands they should call if they're not coming somewhere they said they'd come. He's leaving this Saturday for camp. When will he get back, you ask? August. So my summer plans... still intact. Anyone interested in viewing multitudes of emo bands in the Atlanta area with a pinkish-red-haired girl who writes poetry, send an email my way... boys are SO dumb...
I am currently Lazy
I am listening to my own typing...