20/11/10
11/20/2010 09:43 p.m.
Life is what it is. Being asleep is better. Every morning, I wake up, and my first emotion is disappointment. Disappointment that I woke up. Again. I don't understand how, if I've given up, my body won't. My broken heart beats regardless. It just seems unfair. I don't know if there's a greater plan out there for me, but I wish someone would show me the blueprints. I'm getting tired of living emotionally hand-to-mouth, every small blink flattening me. I can't do things I used to be able to. I always hated summer, but now I feel like I'm burning if I'm exposed to direct sunlight. I can't stomach it. I can make small talk with strangers, but I can't see them as human, not if I'm one. People are the strangest aliens imaginable, sometimes I wonder if the UFO that lands and baffles everybody will someday take me home. I am not happy here. This world is not my home. I'm grateful that I have friends, who know how I feel and accept me anyway. Without that reassurance, I'd just wither. I never realised what a dependent personality I had- I thought I was an island, strong and deliberately isolated. But at the first sing of loneliness, I panic. Because I know what'll happen if I ever am truly alone, and it scares me. I don't have a god, I don't have a direction. But least I have foundations. It's not much, but it seems to be keeping me here. Thanks for caring.