You'll read if you're so inclined
07/16/2006 07:39 a.m.
My Life is falling apart, ever so brilliantly, falling, falling, falling...apart. Brilliantly of coarse in a bad sense, when it falls into a beautiful disaster it seems I can't move, I can't find my way out through this net, trapping me down. And the troubles keep piling, and the chances of escaping without major damages are minimal. I need an insurance appraisal person to come in and estimate the damages this month will cost me. But then I'll just hve an amount as a goal that I can't possibly reach under these circumstances. But I have no choice. And that's life, and I HAVE to be able to do this on my own, and there is no way I want a mommy pocketbook reinforcement; besides, it's not even like she really has it either. And if money was everything....but it's not, I still screw myself over. It's times like these that I believe karma exsists because I don't deserve any better. I deserve to have everthing else shatter, into millions of pieces that can never all be found to glue back together. It's not pity, it's not self loathing, it's just the truth. I'm no better, no better than you, no better than all of them, no better than that person you despise for ruining your life...because I AM that person. Selfish. Selfish Jenn who can't even get what she wants, if there really is anything that could content me. I don't want to be down, and all it really takes to shift is for someone else to come to me all blue so I can be all happy Jenn to the rescue. Trying to make other people believe that this world holds wonderous joys for them after jumping a few more hurdles. But is it ever over? Does bliss exsist, or only in past tense. I remember being happy, I remember wanting to be held by you; but reading back through my pages of rave only prove that memory misjudged. Only looking back now can I realize what I had then, only by things getting worse can I judge what was bliss. I'm making sense in my head, but I feel the right words will never form the right sentences and yadda yadda you'll never get it right. So what's there left to type but sounds and phrases that let me be self-absorbed as if there isn't life outside this frame. I'm sorry, gah, those words are useless and meaningless. I'm not sorry, not yet at least.....
I am currently Troubled
I am listening to Dashboard Anything