Fear & Loathing
06/17/2006 08:31 a.m.
I still shudder at the sound of his name, I lose my breath and can't swallow. My limbs numb freightened tightly....and my heart sinks, my body becomes warm all over and the feeling is overwhelming. My stomache churns and a nauseating bubble tries to escape from my clenched lips. I hate him, and he doesn't know it, he pokes me on facebook, friend requests me on myspace and I don't know how I'm suppose to react or what to do. He doesn't know I've wished to never see him again, and if he did he wouldn't understand and my voice will not find the delicate words needing to be said to make him know. It's pointless now, and I'd rather be burried alive than have anyone else know it. I slipped up the other week.....I blame liquor and mad deep convos. I'm not too sure if Hilary or Niki were too drunk to remember, or if John was even conscious to hear me; but I sure hope not.

Anyway.....wasting the hours away till we're suppose to wake up and drive. Ber and Josh are making up..... It's good that they're making up, I hate things being complicated or messy within a group. I'm never going to have josh back again, not the way our friendship use to be, just spending time together doing nothing and talking and watching movies and just sitting around soaking in each others good company. And Nick has become distant too. Why is it that way?? Every relationship I have is intense and short lived. It's beautiful and plentiful and then gone. But I guess that's what needs to be, or else someone really may know all of you, and there'd be no shadows to hide away or corners to back into. I've had so many "best friends" and they're all on again off again. Coming in and out as we both please, dancing so gracefully amongst each others lives, entertwined for moments and then there's nothing but the space between where we use to be. If my friendships are this screwed up, how could I have possibly ever expected my other relationships to thrive?! In this wasteland of eternity......but I still try. And that keeps my spirits lifted, that in the face of adversity (sp?) I can still pick myself off, do a quick brush-off, and jump back on. It's either that hopefulness that keeps me going or I'm just insanely attracted to life's pain. I'm not sure which it is sometime but my smiles keep me going and there are others even more hopeful than me which makes me believe that some people can really find happiness, without settling, selling out, or pretending.

I'm glad when I can be angry with you, and tell you it's messed up. Because it means I'm comfortable enough to realize that you'll always come back somehow.

The tides change everyday, but in predictable patterns....that is me....ever changing but predictably.
I am currently Odd
I am listening to "I wouldn't bother telling him about the bats..."