Did I shave for this?
06/09/2006 08:34 a.m.
So....last entry kinda bleh, and things seem to rise just to fall again. Where is optimistic Jenn? She's running away to North Carolina and maybe then she can finally keep a Chris....just playing. So I play fastforward in my mind with John and bypass the pain, meet Chris and get cozy for all of five days.....he's leaving in two months,"great just enough time for me to get really hurt". Now it's changed to two weeks....gahhh. So knowing me I'm assured that I'll make rash rushed decisions before he goes to keep what litlle bit of him I can here with me. And I don't even know him that well, I dont feel like I could seriously fall for him, but I'll continue along this path anyway as long as he doesnt screw up. ok, so??? Ahhhhh ok someone banged on my window earlier and I texted Chris and he just called to make sure everything was fine =/ :] I make assumptions and drastic conclusions in my head when someone disappears for a few hours. Ugh, I really can't stop that insecurity of them not calling. I know it's simple and there's always a reasonable excuse, but when does it turn from that to they're just avoiding you or disappearing?!? Seriously I can be an amazing girl, and I don't ask for much, and usually I don't get this crazy...it's just this lil voice inside my head that, lately especially, I haven't been able to shut up. And she's crazy and insecure and untrusting and all screwed up. And I thought the other morning while walking back down the hall from his apartment to mine, that maybe this was a rebound of some sort from john. And then that maybe john was a rebound of friends and that far before that they were all began from a rebound of some sorts. Does this make any sense? Am I just losing my mind in this sea of uncertainty??? I want to grasp something that is real, and hold it for more than just an instant. My head is all sorts of crazy and I still really wanna see him these next two weeks, and a part of me wants to try and just talk to john and the other says well fuck that prick. And then I keep calling Carson, gahhhhhh, I never leave behind my bad habits. The past always comes in handy and I have to really try and stop myself and come to grips that something went wrong and it ended for a reason. But my blame is always handed to timing, because it really does all depend on when you meet someone, and it's never the right time. Ok?? Making nonsense again and babbling away into the midhours of the, well until the wee hours before sunrise and alarm clocks and work. I knew earlier that I wanted to take a day off and not see him, but that was before the news of him moving, and now I'm overanalyzing a boy I just met because I want someone to hold me before I pass out, and to brush the hair out of my face, and to say he wants to have me. Gah, see aren't these feasible tasks from a guy? I only ask that he want just me, and the same in my return. So I'll keep continuing these screw ups until it is I think I've found it......
I am currently Brooding
I am listening to "shark bait ouhaha"