Because procrastination beckons...and spelling is overrated
05/01/2006 04:08 a.m.
Ahhh! I signed on to write a lil entry and pass some time away from my stats book and I say I had a spotlight on my record!! Actually on March 10, which I recoreded that day in my personal journal that something seemed familiar or memorable about that day. Oh well, I'm just being all silly and so0 exciteable.

So0 how do I say fuck you without being or sounding to angered??? I don't care anymore. You told me not to,and I'm so glad that I didn't try to think of you as a random disappearing friend for years now. Because then it would probably kill me everytime you never change. Oh wait I'm sorry it's not your fault, entirely. Blame it on what you will, I never stopped speaking to you because of posessive people. But it's ok, because you don't upset me, you don't make me cry, you don't take my breath away, and you can't even make me smile for long these days. You know i always wondered why I was so bad with people leaving, right at the end of the conversation I turn sour, the moment you head for the door I try to convince you to stay. Ughhh for the longest I couldn't figure where I got this overwhelming concern that people would never come back if they left. And a part of me blames (pause got a text...ahhhhhh john is too adorable and boys are only troubles for friends, nevermind...back) my father. When someone doesn't call me when they're suppose to I kinda freak a bit and get all worried that they're not going to come, meaning we had plans. Sadly most of the time this does mean the evening will unfold as predicted and cancellations and rain checks will be delivered. (ok pause again Schmo is calling :] Ughhh it's hard to stay in this mode after talking to him. But I'll get to that soon.) Whenever my dad use to have plans to come down to see me, I'd expect a call from him when he was suppose to be leaving Daytona....but he wouldn't call. And I'd be sitting around waiting for him, staring out the window wondering what it'd be like to go to a father daughter picnic. Ha, me and my dad....I use to idolize him, and I really never knew why or had any reson to other than the yearning to want to be a daddy's lil girl. I wanted to be the gleaming in his eyes, and I probably was, but where was he? He disappeared for over a year in a half. Ughh nevermind my father was a fuck up and he's sorry and I haven't spoken to him in over two months.....familiarness. Then my brother just left me, I mean he's still there and we were never really all that close. But we had an unspoken bond and understanding. And he left me at that house, with that asshole. He was able to leave and he did, and I couldn't.....he left us there to rot and couldn't find a way to stick around, if not to just monitor mom and the fights. I was no help there, every night I'd walk out slamming the door and driving off into the darkness to get away, because if I stayed I couldn't be too sure of safety. Gah, too much seriousness for what I intended this entry to be. Just wanted to say a lil fuck you you're a worthless friend, and then correct myself, aquaintence. This life is pointless sometimes. People come in and out of it at alternating moments and it's fine, it's my problem that I thought you were more. My bad, I thought I could count on you one day, but who was I kidding. What was I trying to make you anyway. Egh, as long as you say goodbye before ya die right, ha, there it is my lil it's ok it's always ok and lets move on so we can have fun talks. And then you go. (I just can't help it), you never stay long and it hurts (there I said it).


Thank gosh gee golly for Jimmy Eat World, otherwise I'd be (god dammit cocksucker mother fucker! someone's gotta interrupt my music jam AGAIN!) grrrrrr.....I gotta take this call and then study all night long for stats and advertising finals tomorrow morning. Maybe coffee break with john or alone, funnnnnnn!

I L0ve Caffeine!

I am currently Tired
I am listening to Needless to say...it's all in there