I Must Not Surrender
03/30/2006 09:42 p.m.

March 25th, 2006

I woke up at 6:30 a.m. tired and unhappy after being in bed for seven hours. Just three days ago, I hardly slept for three hours and I woke up fresh and rested. I was so concentrated then. I am so frustrated now.

My inability to deal with my external distractions made me indulge in the meaningless dialoguing, internal as well as external, which eventually became the cause of my frustration and emotional exhaustion.
The body doesn't sleep. It relaxes. The mind needs sleep to recoup its composer and energies.

I know in theory and in practice that the amount of sleep is always in proportion to the exhaustion of a definite quantum of energies. The more I waste energies, the more I ought to sleep. I also know that a continuous internal blah blah is the major cause of this consumption of energies. Emotional indulgence, particularly of a negative nature, exhausts us in almost no time despite the drive you experience at the time of this emotional reaction.

Is this beginning of the end like all my umpteen beginnings so far? Am I going back to square one, as always?

This question brings me face to face. And I sense some energy accumulator opening somewhere within as I find myself preparing for yet another onslaught of the LAWS. Yes, it's the LAWS which don’t let you BE. Don't let you attain. But I knew this from the very beginning, and knowing alone doesn't help me.

I must not surrender.