It never changes...
10/14/2005 09:20 a.m.
So it's been awhile, huh? Hmm...not feeling very pathetic lately and missing the time to contemplate deep thoughts, or rather just complaining with style. Why is counrtry music soo addictive to a sleepless soul? I just can't seem to find something happy pop-like tonight, seems to be when I find time to write, if anything. But it's getting better all the time (ha, I'm listening to that song too). I've got x's on my hand marking me "underage" for the clubs..entertaining evening. But what do I come home to? A quick face wash and drunken dreams??? No, I come home to an empty bed (figuratively) and a hand that's missing yours. I just want to find a nice big swing and let the air wisp my hair against my cheecks, getting some stuck between my lips. I want to contemplate and get it all out, and then leave it all there so I can go home with a clean slate. Oh god how I wish so much to have a clean slate, start over again, or at least to erase some of my past. I just wished that I had more will power over my thoughts, to control them from seeping in your face while trying to find someone new. As if I would ever let someone in again, I mean I've met my share of guys and even let a couple close to me...but as friends. I haven't been in love, or maybe I really never have been. But I've never come that close to what I had felt, I've been consumed...but I know the difference between love lust and being in love. But I just need to add in that damn that love lust can provide enough to not make you want to go out and find that true love shit....diet tastes just as great as regular and only half the pain. I realize that I'm only pushing away the inevitable. But I want to know who it is that teaches us to fear love.....I want to know who taught me to run away. I want to know who taught me to run. I want to know who taught me that I couldn't be with just one person. I want to know who exactly told me that it's okay to fear something that can have the most extreme bliss. Just because of a little pain that may be involved (ok a whole lot) I've been programmed to reject it all. I just can't seem to stop myself either. I know what I get myself involved with now is never going to be more than some technical friendship, but I just can't seem to force myself to stop looking for something to hold me over until I think it is that I'll be jumping off the deep end. I can see myself seeing someone that I don't even really like...wow sounds familiar to a current situation, just because it gives me satisfaction of the moment and can be perceived as me looking like I'm really trying to find something genuine.
Gosh this is a long rant. I just feel so lost tonight. And as much as it hurts to admit, I'm still saving pieces of my heart for a man that's so far gone I'm not sure what he used to look like anymore. Alright, I lied, I can still see the images of his face burned into me. His eyed have been branded into the back of mind to serve as a trigger of a tearful night, or at least a trip down memory lane that aches me. It doesn't matter how far I run, who's arms I'm lying in at night, or how great we can be as friends. I try, and try, and try to keep it at bay; but, even if it's not my urges of feeling something that's not there anymore, you call and say i love you. GOD I hate it when you do that, I love it when you do it. I'm torn because I realize that maybe, just maybe, I can never see you again. If I ever plan on seriously having something real again, if I ever let some schmo get close, I'll have to give you up even as a friend. I'm just not ok with that, I'm not ok with never speaking to a person that was, and still is, a huge chunk of me. Without him I'm just some girl with changing eyes.
Alright, I'm leaving here tonight.
I am currently Needy
I am listening to Random mix, right now it's Mr. Jones...shalalala