I See My Legs Getting Ready for This Walk: June 28th, 2005
06/29/2005 01:05 a.m.

”I have nowhere to go” is my MANTRA for today. The paradox is that while I am repeating this MANTRA my attention is quivering violently as my legs shake. The good part is that I am aware and this awareness stops both the quivering legs. ‘I am not going anywhere,’ I auto-suggest.

I was so dejected and frustrated the whole day yesterday, but I am better off today, rather happy. I am happy that I did not try to escape from this feeling of dejection and frustration. This did affect my 'mood' yesterday that found some solace in the company of a friend last evening and this morning, though this feeling of failure did cause pain. Paradoxically, this pain is the only proof I have of my being ALIVE. Yes, pain can be a driving force, it can be used as a driving force. I am happy.

This frustration and dejection did push me in, made me 'occupy my seat' and ponder the causes of my failure for the umpteenth time, reinforcing the 'what should be', reviving the 'what should be', one more time. The end result is good reflecting in how I am today, happy and ready to 'walk 'pole to pole.’

No doubt that I did not succeed in attaining six sessions of five minutes of 'inner silence' (well, to be honest, I never thought I would succeed so easily but then one needs to trick one's selves. If my goal is to walk 10 miles then I should aim one, but definitely not the starting point and six sessions of five minutes of 'inner silence' is my first milestone I am aiming for) but I did return back to my seat, time and again, which helped me conserve some energies and receive impressions intensely, reviving my hopes despite the inherent hopelessness. And, by the way, I did succeed in undoing many of my associations, denying them and deriving energies from this denial. Yes, successful denials, negation of the negation do generate refined energies. And in the process I did undo my frustration and dejection. I did what I had targeted to do today. Yes, I fulfilled all the tasks. Failures can be the beginning of success if only failures can succeed in pushing you in. And I do see my legs getting ready for this walk towards this first milestone on this path, pathless.