All the Nongoings are BECOMING: May 18th, 2005
06/29/2005 12:07 a.m.

In the course of my 13th attempt I remembered to remember to remember that I forgot to remember the breathing exercise in my previous 12 attempts to remember to remember (R to R), though I am not required to remember since that's how I breathe most of the time, slow and deep, but had resolved to remember just to help me R to R and to encourage a fellow traveler to breathe slow and deep and to use this practice to remember to remember and what all follows remembering. In the first 12 attempts I was trying to hold my attention, looking out for some clue that would lead me to ride incessantly on the back of the attention wherever it moved. I will not say that I was a total failure. But I will rather keep the clue to myself until it proves in application.

It was in my 28th attempt that I realized the heaviness of the attention as if it was an invisible organ capable of traveling in space without the feet. 'Don't go anywhere,' is what I repeatedly auto suggested intentionally in my 28th attempts, realizing for the millionth time that in reality there is no place to go. If there is any place or time it's the time and the place in the time and the place one is. Any going is going nowhere and all the nongoings are BECOMING.

This was sometime in the afternoon. Later, despite a total of 39 attempts, I was distracted by myself feeling distracted by phones, visitors, and my work. I hope to do better tomorrow. I hope in hopelessness.